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Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll V. 6

June 27, 2009

Yet another volume of rock and roll factoids, jam-packed full of information you just can’t get with yer wikipedias and yer allmusics. Does your average fansite speculate on the true meaning of Chrome’s wah-pedal fetish or explain Wes Borland’s misshapen head and career-ending gig with Limp Bizkit, the band you knew he’d leave as soon as his pockets were full?

I think not.

Previous versions include:
the Original
the Second
the Third
the Fourth
the Fifth

Chris Martin counts noses before the band heads back to the tour bus

Chris Martin counts noses before the band heads back to the tour bus

Coldplay
Gwyneth Paltrow’s vanity project, featuring “kept man” Chris Martin tickling the ivories and singing his heart out. When she’s not busy dabbling in the music biz, Paltrow takes time out from her hectic mirror-gazing schedule to dole out sickeningly sweet platitudes at her website, GOOP. Most posts are about as pleasant as being on the receiving end of candy that has been in someone’s pockets all day.

Coldplay has been in the news recently due to the fact that they ripped off both Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens in the same song. Martin has issued a statement saying: “If we’re going to rip anyone off, it’s Ben Folds and U2. Perhaps a dash of pretension from Radiohead. That’s it. Maybe a little of the House of Love.”

The most subtle thing about the album was the cover

The most subtle thing about the album was the cover

Consolidated
Basically a stream of slogans hitched to a drum machine, Consolidated with all the subtlety of an ELF-ordained mob beating. Despite “entertaining” their audience with deep political conversations both pre and post-show, Consolidated somehow failed to achieve long-lasting mainstream success. Fans noted that “while it’s nice to be preached at now and again, at some point you just want to yell, ‘Enough! We’re converted already!'”

The members of Consolidated, while not working various odd jobs, gather at their communal flat to swim through the vast vault of ideals and dogma, much like Scrooge McDuck does with actual, useful money.

The Cranberries pose for band photo pose #31: lead singer, look to your left; the rest of you, eyes on me...

The Cranberries pose for band photo pose #31: lead singer, look to your left; the rest of you, eyes on me...

the Cranberries
Much like their namesake, the Cranberries are a bittersweet band, best consumed in small doses, preferably once a year during family holidays involving thankfulness. Sure, you have a little with the turkey dinner, but you’ll never find yourself wandering the aisles of the local food jobber and grabbing a can or two as an impulse purchase.

Maybe it’s the lyrics, which strain for gravitas, much like Keanu Reeves in any costume drama. Maybe it’s lead singer O’Riordan’s brogueish wail, which reminds everyone why they can’t stand Sinead O’Connor. Whatever it is, you’ll put the Cranberries back on the shelf and ask yourself why you even put up with this shit once a year.

Man, these mariachis sure say "fuck" a lot...

Man, these mariachis sure say "fuck" a lot...

the Violent Femmes
There are at least two things wrong with this band’s name, especially the violent part. These three non-femmes, with their acoustic guitar, bass and trap set, resemble not so much the punk outshoot they are supposed to be, but rather a psycho-sexually charged pack of profane buskers.

Largely more tolerable than the Arcade Fire (and twice as compact), a band that sounds nothing like them, but has been known to spend a lonely night or two grabbing their instruments in a public park, subway, petting zoo, etc.

A clear indication that your band has crossed the disappear-up-your-own-ass pretension threshold: Someone asks if anyone feels like busking and more than half the band says yes. It evokes the forced emotions of the musical theater, especially “spontaneous” celebratory songs featuring the entire cast.

Perhaps still known best for their debut album (featuring the best summer song the Beach Boys never wrote: Blister in the Sun), which is OK is you’ve only been in existence for five or so years. Not so much if you’ve been together for nearly 30 years.

After viewing the photo, Danzig fired the band member on the far left

After viewing the photo, Danzig fired the band member on the far left

Danzig
Fronted by the only Spinal Tap member who wasn’t mortified by the Stonehenge set, Danzing features the Morrison-esque bellowing (Jim “Van” Morrison, not Alanis) of Glenn “MOOOOOOTHERRRRRRfucking” Danzig, the Tom Cruise of rock and roll. Strutting around the stage like Foghorn Leghorn’s charge in search of a chicken, Danzig belts out black metal with all the subtlety of leftover Meatloaf, his semi-contemporary.

Apparently “awesome” live, you really owe it to yourself to check them out. Get seats near the front if you wish to see anything other than his backup band (whom he has replaced several times with either shorter musicians or hired guns willing to stand in strategically places “stageholes”).

Because Glenn Danzig is short.

Experts aren't sure exactly when Everclear began sucking, but they theorize it was some point before the tambourine became a featured part of the act

Experts aren't sure exactly when Everclear began sucking, but they theorize it was some point before the tambourine became a featured part of the act

Everclear
Fronted by Portland, OR’s Kurt Cobain, Everclear made a promising start with kickass single Santa Monica. They then proceeded to take the road heavily travelled, producing watery, half-assed rock like so many formerly great bands before them. (I’m looking at you Filter, Goo Goo Dolls and Soul Asylum.)

The only reason to have any Everclear in your music collection at this point would also be the only reason to keep Everclear in your liquor cabinet: to separate less-discerning young women from their underwear.

AM Radio = Take A Picture = Iris = Misery = Jungle juice-powered FAILboat filled with streetdumb amateur hookers.

moodyblues

The all-new Moody Blues, featuring Kenny Rogers and his two illegitimate sons, both of whom are illusionists

Moody Blues
I said “Fuck off.” *disgusted sigh*

The battle of the sexes now has a soundtrack

The battle of the sexes now has a soundtrack

Girls Against Boys
The oldest rivalry in the books, dating back to the Garden of Eden, when Eve said to Adam, “Hey, big guy. Want an apple?”
Adam responded with, “I’m watching the game.”
“Come on, Adam. All the talking snakes are doing it. They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, whatever the hell that means.”
Adam returned to the game. “Well, it certainly seems to be working in Canada.”

After a few more hours, Adam relented and downed the apple, which was spiked with the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve both realized (at the same time, OMG!) that they were naked and extremely self-conscious about their figures. Adam said, “Jesus, woman. Isn’t the laundry done yet?”

Of course God, like all mad scientists, was extremely irritated to find his creations had become sentient. He booted them from the Garden of Eden with, “Well, you’re the world’s problem now,” figuring they would survive “two weeks, tops” in the wild and He would soon be able to sweep the whole fiasco under the rug.

Unfortunately, they lived for years and inbred up a storm, turning their back on God, thus beginning the world’s second longest rivalry: us vs. them. (See also: Pink Floyd)

I've been making a man, with blonde hair and a tan...

I've been making a man, with blonde hair and a tan...

Nelson
The twin sons of Ricky Nelson, conceived in-vitro using Nova-IVF’spatented “Rock & Roll Stud” baby blend, which features the “contributions” of Edgar Winter and Fabio. The Nelson twins were born without fully-functioning autoimmune systems and were raised in a protective bubble and fed a special diet consisting of wheatgrass shakes and adult contemporary music.

Later in life, when doctors declared the boys “adequately healthy,” the Nelsons formed their own band, diluting the shallow end of the rock pool from 1990-1992. After several VH1 specials failed to raise public interest above “Who Gives a Shit,” the beautifully hideous twins sank into obscurity, surfacing briefly to finish each other’s sentences in Grit magazine interviews and battle the Proclaimers in low-level wrestling matches.

-CLT

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14 comments

  1. GOOP is the worst. She refers to Billy Joel as William


    • Nothing like having priviledged people, who can live however the fuck they want to, decide to enlighten the masses on all the ways they live their life wrong.

      I’m not eating right. Perhaps I need Mario Batali to stop by. Hmmm… seems he’s not interested. Oh, well. Back to McDonalds.

      Thanks for the comment and repeat business, DrU.


  2. I saw the Moody Blues in Vegas, it was awesome! They did “saw the women in half”, “pour the milk in the paper funnel” and “where did all these doves come from”. On to Nelson, man I miss them, those chicks are hot! They’re the best thing to ever come out of Lita Ford. As for the rest, you are the best at giving me the inside scoop, (except for the goop, could’ve done without that).


    • Haha! Ah, Rooster! You so damn funny!


    • RR,

      If you’re missing those hot Nelson sisters, just break out some Hanson videos. That oughtta scratch that itch.

      I’m really sorry to have missed out on the Moody Blues extravaganza. The last illusionist I saw was known as “Three Card Montel” and he was working the alley behind the liquor store.

      He made over $300 of my dollars disappear. And himself, once the local fuzz had been alerted.

      Thanks for the great comment, RR. Alan’s right. You are damn funny.


    • I never made the Nelson-Hanson connection until now. *shudder*

      Thanks for enlightening me yet again CLT.


    • Yep, CC.

      They’re all eerily-pretty and scarily-blond.


  3. Wonderful post.

    You don’t like The Moody Blues. I am shocked. And saddened.

    HA!

    Just kidding…

    The Violent Femmes got interesting again once they started suing each other.
    And after their reunion tour too boot. But radical mood swings were always the order of business for Gord and the gang. From singing about “Jesus Walking on the Water” to lyrics like “Yeah, I’m gonna corner you in an elevator/And then you won’t be able to put me off ‘til later” the whole “what the hell is going on here?” thing was a constant with these guys. But those first three LPs. And seeing them live. Well, damn that was good.


    • Alan, always great having you here.

      I’m not sure if this is why Rolling Stone won’t return my calls and/or manuscripts. A quick bio of the Femmes that does nothing more than bash the Arcade Fire for their non-stop busking.

      They used to get several spins from me when I DJ’ed at a local bar. Beyond the obvious first album picks, these tracks also got several spins:

      American Music
      36-24-36 (which would flow beautifully into “Girls” by the Beastie Boys)
      Dance, Motherfucker, Dance
      Black Girls

      and my personal favorite:
      Country Death Song


    • Those fools at Rolling Stone have no idea what they’re missing out on.

      Gotta love that Country Death Song.


  4. You continue to fascinate me with your musical genius and insight. Screw Rolling Stones. You’re too good for them.


    • Thanks, CC.

      They did offer that once. I was all like, no way RS, I wouldn’t screw you if you were the last mainstream-touting dinosaur on earth.

      They had several more drinks and got over it pretty quick. I saw them leaving with Obama.


  5. You got the funny in you.

    Unsolicited suggestions for the next FPGR&R: Calexico, The Brian Jonestown Massacre, and Stevie Wonder (I believe PC rules state that it’s okay to mock blind people if they are rich).

    Oh, and that damn Vampire Weekend. They are well reviewed but near as I can tell they have channeled and combined everything bad about Talking Heads, Paul Simon, and Violent Femmes with none of the good. If Beck sucked, he would sound something like VW.


    • That’s the second request I’ve gotten for Brian Jonestown. The other came from the talking dog above you in the comment thread. I should really get off my proverbial ass and get to it.

      I think Mssr. Wonder is fair games as well. He’ll never see it coming. (I guess I could start there. Nowhere to go but up…)

      There should be another installment on the way soon. Thanks for the repeat business, OO. Again, great to see you.



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