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NIMF Presents: Blacklisted Video Games

June 17, 2009

The National Institute on Media and Family presents their 2009 list of games that no one should be allowed to play along with a list of hyperbolic adjectives and recommended alternates. If you’ve got a youngster whose mellow you’d like to harsh, just follow the suggestions below:

O.J.'s scenario for how he might have done it was more horrible than anyone could have imagined

O.J.'s scenario for how he might have done it was more horrible than anyone could have imagined

If I Did It
Reenact the Simpson/Goldman murders and subsequent low-speed getaway. Combines the visceral thrill of any quality “murder simulator” with the tedious realism of Penn & Teller’s Desert Bus.

Recommended instead:
The Hunt for the Real Killers – Enjoy a relaxing round of golf with your caddy, former NFL running back, O.J. Simpson.

Guitar Hero: Masters of Backmasking
For experts only! Play all of your favorite rock tracks backward. As the challenge level increases, so do the exhortations to kill your parents, friends, family pets, television, and idols.

Recommended instead:
Acoustic Guitar Hero: Al DiMeola

World of Warcraft: Intervention
New additions like Level 80 Horse Armor translates to hours of thankless grinding, urinating into MTN Dew bottles and locking the infants in the closet. Additional bonus content includes: in-game eBay access (spending real money on fake stuff) and Gold Farm Startup Kit (Korean teenager not included).

Recommended instead:
Cubicle Farm– Put mindless repetition to productive use by filing work orders, filling out office supply requests in triplicate, surreptitiously updating your MySpace page and carrying around a clipboard (Look of Busyness +3)

Careful. While the other three may try to distract you with their 3-part caterwauling, Gene Simmons is in the kitchen schtupping your mother...

Careful. While the other three may try to distract you with their 3-part caterwauling, Gene Simmons is in the kitchen schtupping your mother...

KISS Saves Christmas
Despite their temporary acronym change to “Knights in Santa’s Service,” the boys in KISS still wear their ridiculous garb while touting many traditions based on ancient pagan religions (Christmas trees, gift giving, slaughtering the firstborn male).

Recommended instead:
Nothing. Sit there and enjoy your new sweater, Bobby. Millions of children get no Christmas presents at all. They’re called Jews.

Mortal Kombat: Bloodletting
Featuring 64 kombatants and brand new fatalities including: waterboarding, dirty bomb, e. coli, wrath of God, Colombian necktie, heroin overdose, Drew Peterson, office rampage.

Recommended instead:
Moral Kombat – Don the Armor of the Lord (Judging +4; INT -35) to defeat sin (well, sinners actually). Wage battle against Hindus, Krishnas, Muslims, Gays, the Hilton family, Disney Corp., the liberal media, video game publishers, Obama, the authors of the Sweet Valley High series, Harry Potter: Witch, the Osborne family, Mormons, backsliding Baptists and Judy Blume.

Boom Blox
Set off chain reactions due to inadequate explosives training in this addicting “blowing shit up” simulator. Can you finish the game with all ten fingers?

Recommended instead:
Bomberman 2000It’s you vs. the abortion mills. Protest the killing of fetuses by killing full-grown human beings. Not specifically endorsed by any major fundamental branch of Christianity per se, but not really condemned either.

Pvt. Cent heads to war, visions of cap-busting dancing in his delightful head

Pvt. Cent heads to war, visions of cap-busting dancing in his delightful head

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
The incredibly true story of 50 Cent’s G-Unit, a crack team of crack dealers who singlehandedly ended the war in Iraq. Retrace their footsteps as they battle through the Middle Eastern cliche country of Turbania. (Note: the government has disavowed all knowledge of Mr. Cent’s military activities and multi-platinum chart success. Except about three hours into the office Christmas party, where you may find them “in da club.”)

Recommended instead:
Hammertime!– A subparMario Bros. ripoff featuring pants enthusiast MC Hammer. Harmless platforming action. Recommended because a.) Hammer sporadically claims to be a Christian and b.) he really, really, really needs the money.

Typing of the Dead
A supposedly instructional typing tutor based on the no-frills “zombie headshot simulator,” House of the Dead. Also somewhat based on Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead, a feature-length cutscene of a movie that only works when it is gaming Germany’s public funding for the arts.

Recommended instead:
Mavis Beacon Teaches Internet Typing LOL– Covers: emoticons, saying “you suck” in 34 languages, LOL variations, commonly misspelled words and how to misspell them, apostrophe and quotation mark free-for-all, U=You and other recent discoveries.

Postal
Despite its accurate portrayal of the humble mail carrier and his day-to-day battles with dogs, marching bands, mall patrons, “save the something” protesters and a rogue Gary Coleman, the main concern is the level of necessary violence needed to complete the game. There is also the taint of Uwe Boll to be considered.

Recommended instead:
Write your grandmother a letter. She’d love to hear from you. No, not an email. An honest-to-goodness handwritten letter. Use this stamp. No, wait. These are no good anymore. Nope. Not these either. Maybe… Here. Use two of these 1-cent stamps, this 33-cent stamp and part of this dollar bill. Tape it on good. Don’t you feel better?

Tetris
This addicting puzzle game comes to us courtesy of the USSR Gaming Collective. While the enjoyment factor is high, the many levels of subtext work together with young peoples’ fertile minds to destroy the remaining fabric of American society. The constant dropping of “blocks” symbolizes the Communists’ wish to wall their subjects off from the rest of the world. The fact that certain blocks disappear after lining them up indicates that Communism will always be less than the sum of its parts (at best) and (at worst) a harbinger of the mass genocide and “disappearances” of large amounts of their population during Stalin’s lifetime.

Recommended instead:
Lincoln Logs. All-American goodness. Named after our 2nd-most famous assassinated president. You know, the one without the ridiculous Oliver Stone biopic. Build cabins, walls, roofs, watch the dog eat them. Fun for all ages (except three and under).

-CLT

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11 comments

  1. Too funny!

    I must know: Where has Mavis Beacon been all my life? Does she carry a yardstick?


    • I think she resides in Britain. So she carries a meterstick. And a stiff upper lip.

      Good to see you, Alan.


  2. Ugh, I guess I shouldn’t have went on that spending spree and bought all of those video games last weekend. Where were you then?

    Don’t forget the classic “Tomb Raper” The necrophiliac’s favorite consisting of hours of electronic simulatations. And stimulations.

    Instead, I recommend “Tomb prayer” where the player learns to pray for the souls of the departed as well as their own.


    • Brilliant!

      Grab your shovels, kids: it’s Tomb Raper!

      I believe they also made a controversial abortonist sim “Womb Raider.” Available only in the Ukraine and other black-market economies.

      Thanks for the great comment, CC.


  3. KISS saves Christmas is on four months backorder, DAMN IT! When is ‘Capitalist Lion Tamer’ – virtual reality and cyber world game “where players get to relish in rich literature and bathe in hilariosity” in due in stores?


    • Unfortunately, probably never. It’s tied up in production hell as I sort out the various offended parties, not the least of whom is the estate of Alan Moore.

      You may ask why I refer to his estate. Moore knows. And he had better watch his hirsute back.

      Thanks for classing up the joint, RR. Always a pleasure to have you here.


  4. “Hey. The name’s changed. Should I release the product?”


  5. Your posts are so long I forget what I wanted to say before I get to the end. You’re marvelous!

    First: Where is my Manhattan? I haven’t heard the crash of a vehicle into my house, yet. By the way, make sure the house catches on fire because I only have fire insurance. We can drink and watch the 102 year old albatross go up in flames.

    Second: I would buy Moral Kombat just to wage war on the Harry Potter empire. But not because they’re of the devil, but because they SUCK.

    Third: Instead of any of these alternatives, I would go with this game instead. http://www.theseanachai.com/2005/10/05/ref/

    It’s a podcast about a video game that would be a best seller for sure.

    Another brilliant post, CLT. Huzzah.


    • BKT. Always nice to see you and thanks for the kind words.

      Re: your request for a house fire. Your drinks are on the way, nestled safely in the hatchback of a 1974 Pinto.

      Re: H. Potter – he really is due for a severe beating, isn’t he? Just in case you haven’t seen this already:

      Re: Podcast – I will check that out this weekend. Thanks for the pointer.


  6. I’d hold MM for ya while ya work ’em over, if’n ya wantz me 2…


  7. when it comes to video games, i enjoy playing those that have very nice graphics and story like Plantz and Zombies `~`



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