DEA Declares Drug War “Lost”; Will Meet with Drug Lords to Discuss “Terms of Concession”June 14, 2009
The following is a repost from when I was just a young lion tamer. It originally appeared in this blog on January 16th, 2009. My excuse: it’s Sunday; I’m feeling unmotivated; it’s a sign of the downhill slide my writing has taken; se habla espanol… Pick one. Enjoy.
Citing escalating costs and a seizure rate of less than 1%, DEA head Michael Mukasey declared the War on Drugs officially lost. “We hope to meet with drug lords in Mexico, Colombia and Turkey over the next few weeks to determine where we go from here. We hope to be able to control and tax incoming shipments with the cooperation of our former adversaries.” DEA chiefs expressed little surprise in the decision, with one anonymous source stating that “the war was lost the moment Nixon deputized Elvis.”
Some scattered details on the new, legal drug rollout have begun to surface. The DEA is looking to work with the FDA to maintain low purity levels and determine acceptable percentage amounts for “additives” such as baby laxatives, rat poison and antifreeze. The DEA is also looking to control prices through a combination of stockpiling and “no-growth” subsidies. According to Mukasey, the subsidies will be an essential element which will allow small drug farms to compete on the “open” market.
The government is considering licensing currently illegal drugs to distributors across the retail industry. Early front-runners would be major pharmaceutical companies, due to their previous experience in pushing questionable substances onto the American public. Other market front-runners have also expressed an interest.
Coca-Cola has issued a statement expressing interest in returning cocaine to their soft drink line, hoping to capitalize on demand for a return to the “Classic Coke” formula. Pepsi has countered with an expansion of their energy drinks, beginning with their Mountain Dew spinoff “Amp.” A spokesman for Pepsi said, “The rebranding of our energy drink line will begin with ‘Amph,’ the first energy drink on the market to contain actual amphetamines. This will allow us to discontinue use of such dubious energy components such as guarana, taurine and ginseng. We were starting to look like the medical counter at Whole Earth foods, for god’s sake.”
Wall Street is also interested in this turn of events. Traders are looking forward to the brand new “drug futures” market. “It’s been a while since we’ve had anything new to exploit,” said one stockbroker. “Hopefully, unfettered exploitation and speculation will prop up our sagging economy.”
The lifted ban on the sale and use of drugs will also have effects elsewhere:
- The DEA plans to purchase “a large percentage” of the nation’s rehab clinics. The Betty Ford clinics have already been purchased and will be resuming operations under their new title, “Gerald Ford Rehabilitation Centers: Stumbling Towards Recovery.”
- Most major cities will have 24-hour drug services available through Rite-Aid, Walgreens and CVS. According to Mukasey, these outlets should allow the public to “get their supplies in a timely fashion, without the hassle of multiple phone calls or a dangerous car drive to the inner city.”
- The DEA estimates that nearly 9,500 trailer park bathtubs will return to their normal duty. “This should allow more bathtubs to last longer, as their general usage, pre-meth, was less than 30 minutes a month,” said Mukasey.
- Alcoa and General Electric stock prices rose based on an expected surge in aluminum foil and lightbulb sales.
- Mukasey expects anti-drug policies in the workplace to remain unchanged. “Although these substances are no longer illegal, they will still be controlled substances and have many unsavory side effects which are still detrimental to health and productivity.” He added, “Unless your business finds unfocused energy, paranoia and the ability to withstand multiple bullet impacts a plus in middle management candidates.”
- Organized religions across the globe have shown a rare moment of unity to protest the legality of drugs. According to a press release, “religion has, and always will be, the opiate of the masses. To allow opium or any opium derivative to usurp that title is would be a blow to our respectability.”
- The Department of Justice is reportedly considering legalizing prostitution. An anonymous insider stated: “If you’re doing a rail of newly legal blow off a hooker’s ass, it hardly seems logical that you, or your improvised coke delivery system, be imprisoned for breaking another outdated law.”
Surprisingly, despite an across-the-board legalization, hemp will remain illegal. Mukasey commented on the seeming paradox: “Look, the only reason anybody has wanted this stuff legalized is so they could ‘accidentally’ break off a few pot plants for private use. Now that marijuana is legal, that shouldn’t be the case. I mean, come on, we’ve more than met you stupid hippies halfway.”