New from Time/Life Books

June 10, 2009


Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

It’s summer again and time to crack open the garage, toolbox and several hundred PBR’s. The tireless fanatics at Time/Life have been cranking out book after book, each one just waiting to yank your free time away from you. Here’s a brief look at some of the new additions.

How to Kill Your Idols – Thurston Moore with Mark David Chapman

Brick Wall Construction: No Education Needed! – Norm Abram with Roger Waters

101 Fad Gadgets: Assemble at Home for Fun and Profit!

Light Bulb Installation: Thorough Instructions for Polaks, Blondes, Lawyers, Drummers, Government Employees, etc.

Building Your Own Language: A Combustulant Display of Wordsmithering by Don King and Al Sharpton

Tennis Shoe Assembly: Malaysian Edition (3rd Grade Level Reading Required)

What Color Is Your Parachute?: Bernie Madoff Will Let You Know

How to Handle Any Emergency – includes instructions on common emergencies such as:
– McDonald’s out of McRibs
– Unruly McDonald’s drive-thru customers
– Being called fat
– Being called drunk and fat
– Room cleaning-related violence

Fritzling Up Your Basement: Austria’s Best-Kept Remodeling Secrets

Dorm Room Decorating – includes tips on:
– Cinderblock shelving
– Pizza box desks
– Which porn magazines should you have on your coffee table
– 101 great bong stashes
– Milk crate CD storage
– Where the fuck is my student aid?

Holy Fuck! Water’s Not Working: the Amateur’s Guide to Household Wiring

Backyard Archaeology: Digging in the Dirt – hidden “treasure” examples:
– Tab can (ca. 1982)
– Matchbox cars
– Cinnamon, the dog you thought went to “live on a farm”
– Missing pages from Laura Palmer’s diary
– Stacy Peterson
– Thousands of pissed-off fire ants
– Used condom
– Buried power lines
– Peter Gabriel

Projects You Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Build, Snap-On Tools or No
– Treehouses with zip lines
– Anything involving depleted uranium
– Guantanamo Bay replica
– Particle accelerators
– Affronts to God

Cellphone Photography – tips on these tricky shots:
– Underskirt
– Restroom lighting
– Photographing yourself nude
– Concerts
– Your supposedly hilarious friends romping in a carefree fashion
– That douchebag keying your car

Woodworking (and Other Double Entendres) – includes:
– Tool handling
– Hand lathing
– Screw driving
– Hammering
– Drilling
– Pounding
– Banging
– When to use “That’s what she said,” for maximum effect
– Steadying your erection
– Using nuts
– Inserting your penis into her vagina, possibly repeatedly

101 Half-Assed Projects – examples include:
– “Light-switch covers. I am in the zone.”
– “That looks pretty straight.”
– “Maybe a shim or two might help.”
– “I’ve got some picture nails…”
– “I’ll sand it now, and seal it right before winter…”
– “Airplane line and a birdhouse? Now we’re playing with power!”

The Inept Handyman’s Guide to Artful Swearing: Thousands of Useful Phrases
“Holy mother of God, my finger!”
– “Jesus fucking Jones, 3/16″ off shouldn’t be that much of a problem!”
– “Mortise-and-tenon framing? What eggheaded cocksucker wrote these instructions?”
– “‘It is best to be two people?’ Fuck you, you stainless-steel whore!”
– “Hold at shoulder level? For how fucking long? Until my fucking arms fall off, you worthless piece of shit?”

Installing Your Own Home Security System – tips for handling these common situations:
– Talking down angry law enforcement after the seventh false alarm in two hours
– Trimming your run to the reset panel to 10 seconds or less
– That cat has got to go
– Quit touching the goddamn windows! Jesus, here come the cops again.

Where the Sidewalk Ends: You, Your Water Lines and City Hall

Birdhouses and Shit: Hundreds of Ways to Waste Your Children’s Summer Vacation and Make the Best Use of Your Inadequate Tool Selection

Settling Homeowner Disputes – examples include:
– So, suddenly it’s my tree after it takes out the windshield of your Beamer.
– Stop measuring my grass with a caliper, you anal piece of shit.
– You know, if you really want me out of your neighborhood, maybe you should stop rewriting all my signs to say, “For Sale: By Asshole.”
– I don’t see anywhere in the association agreement where it specifically states that I cannot construct a moat and drawbridge.
– I don’t know what you’re so upset about. The shallow, unmarked graves are several feet within my property lines.

The Super 8 Guide to Interior Decorating – tips on:
– Brown lamps, yellow shades: classics never get old
– Thrift shop paintings add some ambiance and a hint of quiet desperation to any room
– Which carpet colors hide blood, vomit and other bodily fluids
– Searing fluorescent lighting can make any bathroom look larger; dirtier

Get a Lawyer!: The Bruce Williams Guide to Property Ownership



  1. Damn, CLT.

    I know I’m supposed to feel that it’s a big world and there is enough room for many excellent humorists/writers, but every time I come here I just want to hang it up. I’m not worthy.

    And my pal Alan, who is standing right beside me, might sometimes feels the same way, but I doubt it.

    • BKT –

      Thanks so much for the compliments.

      No reason to hang it up. The blogosphere is potentially infinite and I’m barely using up 1/3 of the cleverness (which, disappointingly, still pays only $0/year).

  2. Put me down for that Handyman’s Guide. I could use a few more good phrases for household mishaps.

    • Not that swearing ever solves any problems, but I certainly feel a fuck of a lot better every time I do.

      Thanks for stopping by, y&b.

  3. Despite all the bad words this is a halfway decent set of titles. Do they have them as books on tape? Or in large print?

    If so, let me know, lad, and I’ll leave you my credit card number, social security number, home address and phone number in another comment.

    I’d be interested in:

    * Talking down angry law enforcement after the seventh false alarm in two hours (I have some issues with my neighbour’s cat crapping in my rose bushes and apparently that isn’t a justifiable 911 call)

    * And, naturally, “That cat has got to go.”

    Again, let me know about payment. If credit cards are no good, I can pop some paper money in an envelope and sent it via the postal service. I keep lots of cash in my house.

    Best regards,


    • Don!

      Truly a pleasure to see you. You must have given the live-in nurse the slip (possibly distracted her with a futile hunt for the mythical “milkman”).

      We have them available as “large print on tape,” which is basically someone yelling the text to you.

      And thanks for the pointer on the cash. We will take cash, mainly because it is untraceable.

  4. As always. A superb outing. I picked up a copy of How to Kill Your Idols – Thurston Moore with Mark David Chapman.

    The chapter “Rock N’ Roll Bullet Hole” was impressive in its clarity on the subject of madness, guns and the oeuvre of Jodie Foster. But what was truly admirable was that it was written in Heroic Couplet.

    • Alan-

      Wonderful to see you again.

      Heroic couplet was also used in Stacy Keach’s autobiography and the latest edition of The Guinness Book of World Records. Its day has come.

  5. Fucking brilliant! I laughed the whole way through. I’ve got this smile on my face that I can’t remove.

    I was angry about one thing though… As a Polish-American citizen I was outraged by “Light Bulb Installation: Thorough Instructions for Polaks, Blondes, Lawyers, Drummers, Government Employees, etc.” I bought this book and it was broken. All the pages were upside down and the cover opened from left to right! Plus they wouldn’t let me return it.

    • RR-

      Thanks for popping in.

      I’m sorry about the book. We had a mixup in shipping and must have sent you the Hebrew translation of The DaVinci Code.

      If you hold it to a mirror right-side up and read right-to-left it should make more sense.

  6. Those wacky penal colony descendents! What horrifying thing will they do next?

  7. I did what you said, but was so distracted I forgot the bulb and ended up sticking my goddamn finger in the socket… eeekzt!

    • That’s why the book suggests more than one person for the job, with hilarious results.

  8. CLT,
    I have a ton of things around here that need to be fixed. Since you’re the resident expert, can you stop in and help me out? Have you read the “woodworking” book?

    • I read enough to giggle childishly at pretty much any instruction. I’m not sure how much actual “fixing” I’d get done, what with all the giggling and shouting of, “That’s what she said! Woooooooo!”

  9. This is refreshing, we could use a few of these for our staff from time to time to keep things lighthearted.

    • It’s nice to have an endorsement from a real-live handyman. Definitely makes it all worthwhile.

      Myself, I’m from the “measure twice, cut a check” school of handymanship.

      Thanks for stopping in, AH.

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