Archive for May, 2009

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RIAA, Jack Ely Team Up to Deprive Themselves of Last Remaining Promotional Tool

May 5, 2009
Jack Ely shows off guitar, false sense of entitlement

Jack Ely shows off guitar, false sense of entitlement

It must be another day ending in “y” if the RIAA is on the attack again. Once again, they’re headed after the radio stations. The same radio stations that the labels got in trouble for paying to get their records played. Apparently, their only remaining means of promotion isn’t good enough.

Things used to be great for the recording industry. They donned their sandpaper dildo and proceeded to fuck each and every artist and fan out there. Then things changed. Used CD stores opened. P2P took off. Artists defected.

Now the sandpaper is in the other anus and the RIAA is feeling the “love” that they have worked so hard to create. So they have responded the only way they know how. By pressing the “Release the Lawyers” button. Now this will all come to a head as two lobbying groups and their lawyers meet in Washington D.C., the ultimate Pyrrhic battlefield.

And who have the RIAA trotted out to tug at the heartstrings of the uninformed? None other than Jack Ely, whose claim to 15 minutes was being the frontmouth of the Kingsmen’s 1963 hit, Louie Louie. Jack’s complaining that he’s not receiving any money from repeated airplay of the hit single.

First things fucking last: He didn’t write the song. Richard Berry did and he owns the rights. By Ely’s logic, the guitarist, drummer, bassist, sound engineer, producer, internist and studio janitor should all be getting a piece of the action. After all, they all were present during the recording.

2. Jack was paid $5000 for his work on this song. I get paid hourly wages at my job, working on a patented tarp system. Just because I am an integral part of the whole assembly team doesn’t mean that I should be picking up residuals from every sale, especially 44 years after working there.

Jack, if you didn’t like what you were being paid, the time to bitch about it would have been 40+ years ago, at the time of payment. Get your fucking head out of the “I’m retired, give me free money,” mindset.

3. Jack’s bitching because he and his wife have to live on $30,000 a year and they “have a mortgage to pay off.” A mobile home mortgage, to be exact.

Fuck you, buddy. I have a family of five to support and will gross a little over $40,000 this year. I have a mortgage to pay off. On a house with no wheels. Keep in mind that I’m still working and providing you with free social security money.

Yeah, your life sucks, former Kingsmen vocalist.

4. You didn’t write the song. You. Did. Not. Write. The. Song. It’s not “your” song. You were simply a tool used to assemble a novelty hit. If you hadn’t done it, someone else would have. It couldn’t have been that tough, seeing as it is one of the most covered songs in rock history. And most cover bands aren’t looking for songs with steep learning curves.

Jack Ely (center), former Kingsmen vocalist, know for his adequate singing talent and incessant "life isn't fair" whining

Jack Ely (center), former Kingsmen vocalist, know for his adequate singing and "life isn't fair" attitude

If you’re not happy with the hired gun money you made, go fuck yourself. You had your chance. I fail to see how it’s the radio station’s fault that you have the negotiating skills of a Ritalin-addled six year old.

Sure, the RIAA is primed for a “multi-year battle,” no doubt urged on by the hourly-billing lawyers. Maybe once they’re done crippling the radio stations and further destroying their already limited future, they’ll head after any marching band who’s done a blaring, atonal rendition of “Louie, Louie.” (For those keeping score at home, that would be every single marching band ever.)

The RIAA has already proved they’re not above dragging 10-year old kids and octogenarians into court, so I’m sure they’ll have no qualms about beating up schoolkids for their lunch money. And once they’re done fucking everyone else out of their money, they’ll resume fucking every artist they represent out of their share.

Postscript: while searching for more info, I came across this interesting post from Jack Ely at mog.com. And by interesting, I mean hypocritical.

And I quote:

The solution is to give the world all the free music it wants, but to give the recording entity, whether it be a record company or a producer, or whomever, a cut of every live performance.

He’s dead on about live performances picking up the revenue slack of file-sharing, but when did he decide that a 44-year-old recording was supposed to finance his golden years?

-CLT

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The Government: Too Big to Succeed

May 3, 2009

googleharm_whitehouse

The more I hear, read or otherwise absorb about our government, the sicker I get. Over the course of my lifetime, our representatives have been quickly shedding the pretense of being their constituents’ voice in Washington.

At this point, the entire process has gone off the rails. Here are some suggestions for fixing it:

Term Limits
They’ve slapped one on the highest power in the U.S. ever since FDR refused to die until his fourth term. But for some reason, senators and congressmen are allowed to hold the same damn position for 20, 30, 40+ years.

I’m not sure what this says about their constituents (other than they’d rather not have to change their “angry citizen tirade” letterhead), but let’s just get a new set of ripoff artists into the seats every 6-8 years.

This should motivate any worldbeaters to do more than piss their time away with motions recognizing local heroes (“James Klum, for setting a new meet record at the district II-AA regional quarterfinals…”) and spend more time actually improving their nation. This will also limit the damage done by special interest whores with a career-politician mentality.

Eliminate Automatic Pay Raises
Currently, to be eligible for a bump in pay, all a Congressman or Senator needs to do is sit home and wait for the automatic pay raise to sail through uncontested. Understandably, this day is chosen by the D.C. janitorial system to do a deep cleaning of the usually congested area.

Pay raises should be instituted only upon reelection. Better yet, let your constituents vote on your yearly pay raise. I guarantee most government employees would select the former rather than leave it in the hands of the same people they’re pissing off.

End the War on Drugs
I’m not going to spend much time rehashing everything that’s wrong with this dismal failure. So far, the only purposes it serves is to ensure a healthy income for foreign drug lords and a steady incarceration of stoners.

Revamp the Legislative System
Open any major bill to a public vote. Better yet, allow each state to vote separately. This one-size-fucks-all form of legislating is making a mockery of the word “representative.” Certainly, this will keep a lot of pork from being shoved into the bills’ ILBs. Plus, the government really needs to learn to trust its citizens, rather than following the normal “Uncle Sam’s Day Care for Adults” line of thinking.

Campaign Contribution Transparency
Yeah, this is in place already but who is really going to spend the time researching all of these names and trying to connect the dots. My suggestion is that each candidate be given a NASCAR type jumpsuit on which to sew the logos of each major corporation/special interest group that has donated above a certain dollar amount to them. These logos should also be applied to their campaign vehicles. Once another higher dollar amount has been met, any televised speech/debate should have a mandatory introduction a la this: “Republican Congressional Candidate A, brought to you by Enron, Mobil and a special grant from Philip Morris.”

It’s time to let the people know who you really represent. If elected, the jumpsuit stays on.

Government Employees
Effective immediately, via a speech from Alec Baldwin, all employees have one week left to work. Make them earn their jobs back. Nothing is more crippled than the multi-billion dollar collection of lazy, underqualified, bureaucratic hacks we call public service. And while we’re at it, tear the budgeting system a new asshole. No more of this “use the rest of the budget or we won’t get it next year” bullshit. More wasteful and useless programs have been created and abandoned just to make sure the hole receives the same amount of discarded money from year to year.

To sum up: you’re all fired and have one week to prove you’re worth something. Your new budget is $0. Try to keep it as close to that as possible.

-CLT

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Just Call Me Malfunctioning Eddie

May 2, 2009
Bartender, give me your strongest, cheapest drink.

Bartender, give me your biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.

In all the compiling of Futurama quotes (Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol. 3), I got carried away and forgot the love. No, wait. That was definitely there. Too much of it, perhaps.

No, I forgot to post the greatest Bender quote of all. The one which truly has a million uses, as we all have found ourselves in places or situations we couldn’t get away from fast enough (paternity tests, traffic court, office spirit committees).

“Well, I’m sick of this room and everyone in it.”

Please accept my humble apologies for this oversight and enjoy these three Futurama tunes.

The Elves’ Xmas Song.mp3
Robot Hell.mp3

The Bureaucrat Song.mp3

-CLT

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CTRL-Z to Undelete, Right Click to Save

May 1, 2009
Why Ted married Jane.

Why Ted married Jane.

Bob Sinclar – Gym Tonic.mp3

French House producer (is there any other kind?) Bob Sinclar released this single, featuring a lengthy sample of a Ms. Jane Fonda workout album.

Stand with your feet together, buttocks tight, stomach pulled in, arms straight out to the side, shoulder height. Now flex your hands upward, press the heels of your hands out to the opposite walls, and circle forward. 2..3..4..5..6..7..8..and back.

It drew the attention of the litigious Ted Turner & Moustache, Inc., who apparently claimed Jane Fonda as “intellectual property.” (We can laugh at this later.) No one knows exactly what was objectionable about the sample.

Perhaps Sinclar’s label was unable to cough up ivory backscratcher-type money to secure the rights. Perhaps Mr. Turner wished to keep his wife’s sordid past as a fitness instructor under wraps.

While Ms. Fonda certainly has committed her share of crimes against humanity (popularizing legwarmers, marrying Ted Turner, deluding movie stars into believing they have valid opinions), perhaps none is so egregious as Barbarella, a French nudie pic wrapped in a French art house overcoat.

This, of course, adds to Ms. Fonda’s rap sheet the charge of aiding and abetting Duran Duran, whose members spent most of the 80’s behaving as if they were main characters in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Spiritualized – Ladies & Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space.mp3

Jason Pierce (a.k.a. J. Spaceman; amnesiac Jason Bourne) has made some bad decisions as well (naming his child “Poppy,” continuing his feud with Sonic Boom well past the point that anyone cares), but none was more bold and potentially damaging to his heroin slush fund than his head-to-head run-in with the Estate of Elvis Presley.

All told, Ladies & Gentlemen… is a glorious ode to unrequited love/heroin. J then takes a sad song and makes it better (choke on that, Apple Records!) by dropping huge, unaltered chunks of lyrics and melody line from Elvis’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. About a million times removed from, and a million times better, than UB40’s inescapable faux-reggae rendition.

-CLT

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CYA FTW!

May 1, 2009
Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Had an interesting (if nearly pointless) experience at work today.

A little background: I work in metal fabrication making items like caps and tarp systems for semis and grain trailers, etc. Pretty much everything in the building (machinery and parts) is either 1.) sharp, 2.) heavy or 3.) deadly.

One of my fellow employees shows up at work today, still obviously hammered and reeking of alcohol. This employee has earned the nickname “Pockets” (a reference to where his hands always are) and spends almost every morning looking more than little hungover.

More background on Pockets: approx. 23 years old, two DUIs on his record, goes home after work and takes a nap before hitting the bars all night long and showing up for work the next day.

I go up to him and say, “Are you still drunk?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Really? Because that’s all I’ve been hearing.”

I check with his friend who gave him a ride to work.

“Is he still drunk?”
“Yeah. I didn’t realize how drunk until I gave him a ride. He’s been drunk before but not this bad. I’m getting pretty sick of his shit.”

I go back to Pockets.

“You think it’s OK for you to show up here all fucked up?”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Are you kidding? You reek of booze.”
“No, I don’t.”

(We’ll pause here to consider the stupidity of that last riposte. Your personal BAC may be beyond my skill as a layman, but I’m pretty sure you can’t argue about the odor you’re emitting. That’s public domain. And it smells exactly like an opened beer. Several of them.)

“You’re drunk and you’re going to show up here? Someplace where everything is heavy and done on heavy machines? Best case scenario is you hurt yourself. But more likely, you’re going to end up hurting someone else.”
“I’m not fucking drunk.”
“What you need to do is go sit your ass down until our manager gets here.”
“But…”
“I’m not your supervisor so I can’t make you do this, but you need to get the fuck out of everyone else’s way.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re full of shit.”

I wait for our supervisor to show up and tell him that I’m fairly sure Pockets will still blow hot on a B.A.C. test. He follows the employee handbook on this. Get an independent witness. Done. Get HR to fill out paperwork for the B.A.C. test. Done. They escort him off to the clinic for the test.

My conversations with him took place between 7:20-7:45 am. He gets escorted out around 9 am. They don’t even get to his test until after 10 am. Even with the extra 3 hours of not drinking, he still blows hot.

I’m thinking that’s it. Goodbye.

But no. He now has to attend mandatory Employee Assistance Meetings and has one more strike left. He shows up verifiably drunk again and he’s gone. My manager told him, “If it was up to me, I’d fire your ass now.”

He should be gone. He is willing to put himself and others in danger just because he likes to drink pretty much nonstop. He loses a limb, so what. He’s still living with mommy and daddy and has nobody relying on him for income.  But if he injures nearly anyone else, he’s taking food off the plate of decent human beings who have the ability to show up and do their job unimpaired.

So, thanks to our government, nearly everyone gets to be treated like a government employee and be given a million chances to show how incompetent they are. You have someone show up drunk to work in an already dangerous job and they still get a mulligan.

Bullshit.

-CLT

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Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion V. 3

May 1, 2009

Volume 3 – Philip J. Fry, Turanga Leela and other Random Characters

The final set of quotes, all needing only a minimum of editing to break the ice at events such as: your child’s circumcision, “family planning” office small talk, anger management classes, prom chaperoning or public indecency arrest. Enjoy!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Philip J. Fry

  • Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex.
  • But you’re better than normal, you’re abnormal.
  • I don’t like having discs crammed into me… unless they’re Oreos… and then only in the mouth.
  • I’ve got to stop living in the past, by which I mean the future.
  • I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
  • Hey, did everything just taste purple for a second?
  • Don’t you worry about “blank.” Let me worry about “blank.”
  • There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics that are more important than me.
  • It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
  • They’re like sex, except I’m having them!
  • I don’t regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
  • I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff!
  • We’re in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
  • I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
  • Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  • When will young people learn that playing “Dungeons and Dragons” doesn’t make you cool!
  • It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.
  • Well, it used to be milk… and time makes fools of us all.
  • I’ll show ye.
  • People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
  • Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
  • But existing is basically all I do!
  • Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you’re gonna be lonely.
  • I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
  • It’s hot in here! The butter in my pocket is melting!
  • Maybe you can’t understand this, but I finally found what I need to be happy. And it’s not friends. It’s things.
  • C’mon guys, tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999… again.
  • Ow! My sperm!
  • I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love but…
  • No need to pack pants, people. Let’s roll!
  • My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
  • Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
  • We’re all sick of your new upbeat outlook on life.
  • These new hands are great! I’m gonna break them in tonight.
  • All right… It’s Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all Rush mix tape. Let’s rock!
  • Because it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female.

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