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Dollar Store Shopping Spree

May 29, 2009
Color costs extra.

Color costs extra.

Ah, the $1 store. Home of non-FDA-approved household items, has-been celebrity-endorsed items and factory rejects from around the world. The following is just a small sampling of the bargains to be found at your nearest buck boutique.

Food

  • Funky Bunches of Oats
  • Prince of Tides Breakfast Cereal
  • Ramen Helper
  • Spicy-Ohs Pasta in Habanero Sauce: Twice the Fun of Regular Ohs!
  • J.Q. Butterkist Popcorn-Flavored Corn Chips
  • Imitation Margarine
  • Michael & Isaac Fruit-Flavored Chews
  • Nerks (Hamish Industries’ foray into the lucrative candy field)
  • Grade A Large Rooster Eggs
  • Speed Freak Energy Drink (Contains essential vitamins and methamphetamines)
  • Gatorade: Fig Rush!
  • Tastee-Aid Colored Beverage Mix (New flavor: purple!)
  • Wintergreen Pepsi
  • Xena!: the Animated Series Fruit Snacks (Flavors include: apricot, tomato, plantain, purple)
  • Donald Mill’s Signature Candy Selection: Black licorice, butterscotch hard candy, Starlite mints, anise chews, butter mints, rye Lifesavers

Household

  • Flounce Fabric Softener
  • Seed Packets: Kudzu, Milkweed, Brussels Sprouts, Mulberry & Turnips
  • $2 Whore Makeup Set (Half-Off!)
  • 3 Pk. Notebooks: Community-College Ruled (Extra Wide)
  • Home Lead Testing Kit (Warning: Contains Lead)
  • Not Pig Shit Fuel: Methane Refill Pack
  • Narco-Leptic Cough Syrup (Drank 2 and Call Me from the E.R.!)
  • 3-Prong to 2-Prong Cord Regression Kit (Contains: tin snips, large warning label)
  • Tan Your Own Pleather Kit
  • Old Navy $1 Flip-Flops (form orderly line, please)
  • Herbal Essence Mouthwash (A refreshing blast of ginseng and nightshade!)
  • Snorks Chewable Vitamins
  • Burlap Swabs
  • Gold Bond Unmedicated Powder (no active ingredients)
  • J.B. Weld Liquid Bandages
  • 8-Month Calendar (Does not include February, June, September and parts of May and December)
  • Dr. Scholl’s Baby Powder
Helloooooooo Branson! Anyone here from the Midwest?

Helloooooooo Branson! Anyone here from the Midwest?

Video/Music/Electronics

  • Sony Mavica Digital Camera
  • Size “B” Batteries
  • 90 Min. Mem-O-Rexx Audio Cassettes with Patented “Dobly” Noise Reduction
  • “Blank” Videocassette: Contains part of Steel Magnolias recorded off a USA Network broadcast
  • The Best of Oh That Jason!
  • Tracy Chapman’s Greatest Hits (Does not include Fast Car or Give Me One Reason)
  • Tom Daschle Tax Software (2007 Edition)
  • Paystation 3 (The fun of saving money in the shape of the entertainment system you’ll never afford!)
  • Videogame: the Videogame (100 Breakout variations and 1 shitty Tetris knockoff)
  • Faces of Death 3 in a Cartoon Cavalcade package
  • The Chevy Chase Show: Episodes 1-4
  • Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead: the Criterion Collection
  • The Holy Bible on Tape: Read by Kirk Cameron
  • Every album Fu Manchu ever made
  • TimeMaster Calculator Watch (Accurate Up to Twice a Day!)
  • Takin’ Care of Business!: Bachman-Turner Overdrive Live at the Branson, Mo. Civic Center 2009! (cassette only)

Toys

  • 1000 Ct. Mixed Caps (Contains Less Than 50% Duds!)
  • Fondle Me Elmo: *giggle* You’re going to jail, shorteyes!
  • Bible Playset: The Book of Numbers Matryoshka Dolls (Beget and beget and beget – the fun keeps shrinking!)
  • John Rocker Talking Doll (Says Nine Offensive Phrases!)
  • Steve Guttenberg Action Figure
  • Zimbabwean Play Money
  • Michael Vick Rookie Cards
  • Lil’ Gardner Kit (Contains: shovel, hat, rutabaga seeds, diazinon, subsidy check)
  • Lil’ Artist Set (Contains: beret, guide for mixing primary colors, burnt sienna crayon, lifetime unemployment)
  • Bingo Cards (No “Free” Space)
  • Eazy-E Lil’ Gangsta Playset (Contains: Oakland Raiders cap, bandanna, plastic Glock, AIDS)
  • Sinister Ducks Board Game

Books

  • All Cows Go to Heaven: the Chicago Meatpacker’s Rebuttal to Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle
  • Pop-Up Book of Intestinal Disorders
  • Where’s Waldo?: Misprint Edition
  • Oprah Winfrey’s Diet of the Month: How I Lost 80 Pounds and Kept it Off!
  • Scary Movie novelisation
  • Mediocrity Complex: the Chad Kroeger Story (by Chad Kroeger and John Updike)
Miraculously turns unlit hallways into lit hallways.

Miraculously turns unlit hallways into lit hallways.

Misc.

  • $2 Whore (50% Off!)
  • Grandma Brand Sunglasses
  • Herpes Simplex (Free!: See Cashier)
  • Semi-Temporary Tattoos: Contains lysergic acid and caustic soda
  • Ennui for Men (cologne)
  • Moodkiller Bodywash by Axe (5 gal. container)
  • Head Lice (Free!: Master P’s Hat Collection – Aisle 4)
  • Jesus Nightlight (As I went to the bathroom/fridge, I saw two sets of footprints…)
  • Factory Second Bumper Stickers – Includes:
    – Honk if You’re Sexually Frustrated
    – Milwaukee is for Lovers
    – My Other Car is a Moderately Priced Sedan, Also
    – God is My Co-Signer
    – Dick Cheney/Alice Cooper 2012
    – Is That a Restraining Order in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
    – I Can Go from 0-Bitch for No Apparent Reason
    – Beam Me Up, Scotty; I’m With Stupid
    – No Stereo
    – Calvin urinating on Hobbes

 -CLT

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19 comments

  1. That’s one helluva an awesome post. I can’t decide if “Ramen Helper”, “Size ‘B’ batteries”, Snork chewable vitamins” or “3-Prong to 2-Prong Cord Regression Kit” is my favorite, because damn it, I love them all! I’d fork over the $75 for sure, although I guess the herpes and lice would be free. Gotta love them rooster eggs, don’t even need refrigeratin’…


    • Rooster eggs, now that’ll put hair on your chest. And possibly your internal organs.

      RR, great to see you.


  2. As always, I am wildly amazed and fabulously impressed by your comic skill and also profoundly concerned about your fact checking. There are a few things here that could get you into some trouble, my friend. Please read my notes and take then under consideration. If not for me, do it for Jesus.

    Funky Bunches of Oats

    (This is going to get you in trouble with the Quakers. They are always watching CLT. They travel in packs, wear funny hats and carry bows and arrows. The word “Quaker” may mean to tremble in the way of the Lord, but other than fearing that crazy bitch, God, they’re fearless. Expect a serious wedgie…

    Nerks (Hamish Industries’ foray into the lucrative candy field)

    (I think you mean Nerks ™ Note the trademark. Unless you want your ass in a Hamish sling. Remove the nerk™ Or you are seriously nerked ™ . I’m talking up the nerking ™ nerk ™ . If not, see you in nerking ™ court.

    Donald Mill’s Signature Candy Selection

    (Mr. Mills may have something to say about this. Good call on leaving Mrs. Bodsworth out of this. That’s inviting serious trouble.)

    Flounce Fabric Softener

    (Interesting fact. If you snort it. It kills you.)

    Takin’ Care of Business!: Bachman-Turner Overdrive Live at the Branson, Mo. Civic Center 2009! (cassette only)

    (The name of this band is Bachman Apple Turnover Drive… Sigh… Didn’t we discuss this already?)

    Sinister Ducks Board Game.

    (Your ass belongs to Alan Moore now. Interesting fact, the board game was made in China and the recalls have begun due to toxic dice. Also, the Sinister Ducks Board Game included an addition “Old Gangsters Never Die” board game. Roll the dice. Suck in the toxins. Just have fun. http://home.insightbb.com/~fourcolorheroes4/free/OriginalGangsters.pdf )

    Mediocrity Complex: the Chad Kroeger Story (by Chad Kroeger and John Updike)

    (Original title: “I was a Merry Seaman”)


    • Alan –
      Thanks for stopping by and throwing a few left-handed compliments my way.

      As for the fact checking, Clive Cussler once approached me on that very subject. He said:
      “Cap, no one has time to do the research. It’s just the way it is. I’ve been cranking novel after novel for years without any issue. Here’s what you need to know. Ships float. Except when they don’t.

      Have you ever been in the engine room of a salvage ship? Who has? Certainly not you or I. And certainly not the people looking for a light summer read. All you have to do is throw around some descriptively noisy and oily terms to make them feel as though they are.

      Transponders. Radar. RF adapters. Gizmos. Clanging. Heat.

      Did you know the average battleship displaces nearly 120,000 tons of water? Or that the Queen Elizabeth II only moves six inches for each gallon of diesel it burns?

      These are all made up. You just have to sound authoritative and they’ll follow you anywhere.”

      At this point, I began looking for the exit. But it was a luxury liner, and I had no intention of throwing myself into several hundred thousand tons of displaced water while being ground to death by the props at 6 inches to the gallon.

      Much like his anecdote, this one has no point, either.

      Thanks for stopping by!


    • Stopping by is always my pleasure.

      And thanks for sorting me out. I needed that. 😉 I am wiser man now, equipped with false info that I believe to be the truth.

      About, “Oh, That Jason”

      Did you remember the 1959’s TV show “Oh That Sparky”?

      Classic TV!

      http://www.averyant.com/AverysJournalMarch0507.htm


    • Hahaha!

      Classic TV, indeed.

      Like it was ripped from today’s headlines: “House Torched by Family Dog While Owner Stands Idly By; Good-for-Nothing Alcoholic Painter Presumed Dead”

      Oh, and don’t thank me. Thank Clive. He’s published in 230 countries and 78 different languages. Presumably.


  3. So many quality items to buy and so little money!

    Father’s day is coming. I’m getting my husband the $2 whore (50% off)! I’ll have more time to write!

    oh wait

    Which 50% is off anyway? The top 50% or the bottom 50%?


    • I believe the split is vertical. Enjoy!

      Thanks for shopping with us today, CC.


    • Damn.

      I made a comment to my husband of 16 years that after having 4 children, I don’t have the body I used to have and how could he possibly have sex with me. I fluttered my lashes and smiled coyly and everything.

      He said, “I close my eyes.”

      So, I really only wanted to buy the top half so it could nag him relentlessly about all of the household duties he’s neglected. He won’t see the bottom half again for a really long time.

      Vertical just won’t work for me. Even if I bought the J.B. Weld liquid bandages, knowing my luck there are only rights or only lefts. If I bandaged them back together, half of it would be upside down, and I think my husband would just enjoy that way too much.

      For Father’s day, I’m getting him “The Best of Oh that Jason!” since I know it’s about a compulsive masturbator.

      My husband may find the sitcom to be a life model.


    • “Only rights or lefts…”

      That’s dollar store shopping for you. Stay out of the shoe section. Nothing but disappointment there.


  4. Well, lad, another top drawer list.

    And the inclusion of rye lifesavers is much appreciated. Dipping the damned butterscotch ones in my glass is time consuming, sloppy and, I suspect, Un-American.

    Now, I’m a little tired son from reading your damned long list so I’m going to leave my order here and would appreciate it if you could get it filled up PDQ.

    Food:

    Obviously, I’ll be wanting the rye lifesavers and other “signature” candies but if your margarine is “I can’t believe it’s not toxic” brand I’ll take a small tub of that too.

    Household

    If the damned 8 month calendar is pre-1952 consider it sold.

    Video/Music/Electronics

    That’s all crap and I’d prefer we not speak of it again.

    Toys

    Shoot me over a few bingo cards the Steve Guttenberg Action Figure. I’m still angry about Police Academy and snapping that doll’s neck might help me get past it.

    Books

    Sure I don’t need to say it but “Pop-Up Book of Intestinal Disorders” would be helpful (and include some tums would you?)

    And I don’t do “Misc.” If something isn’t good enough to be labelled and categorized I want nothing to do with it.

    Thanks. I’m waiting by the door.

    Don


    • Don-

      How the hell are ya! Let me see what I can do for you…

      The margarine says ‘I can’t believe it’s not toxic,” but does include a warning saying that this claim has not been approved by the FDA. So, I guess it’ll make for an interesting game of Russian roulette played with toast.

      The Guttenburg doll says it “can be bent into 40 different painful and humiliating positions.”

      The 8-month calendar is fill-in-the-blank, so I guess it could be for any year, including non-Julian.

      Ah, Tums. Now you’re talking a real product with a real price tag. May have to pick that up on your own, Don.

      Thanks for the comment, Don. Hilarious!


  5. I do have several cartons of mis-labeled Fundamental Jelly brand Flavored Personal Lubricant in the Mango Chutney flavor if anyone is interested???

    Nice list CLT. I am still looking for “The Biggest Loser” blopper video…you know the one where we accidently see Jillian Michaels’ weiner.


    • FJ-

      Wonderful to see you and your disfigured hand out and about.

      I don’t see why that Personal Lubricant wouldn’t fly off the shelves. Perhaps we could slap on a Rachel Ray endorsement to seal the deal.

      “I hate getting wet. Thank god for FJ’s Personal Lubricant in Mango Chutney. Yummers! Now the only thing I’ll have to fake is the orgasm!”

      Excellent comment. That video will surface eventually. On the internet, everything always does.


  6. I am your war machine/I am your ghetto meme.


  7. CLT,
    I’m just too damned intimidated. You bought the last 50% off nanny so you’d have time to write, didn’t you?

    I’m also disappointed that I don’t have a product in the Dollar Store. You’re waiting until you write the Tiffany’s post to include me, aren’t you?

    (flutters eyelashes a la Claire Collins)


    • BKT-

      Great to see you.

      You’re absolutely right. Tiffany’s is just dying to have someone take some cheap shots at them, and that someone could probably be me. Knits, cashmere, something… it probably writes itself.

      As for the nanny situation, the $1 nanny is actually just a large bottle of Sleepytime Narcotic Cough Syrup, made by the lovely people at Dub Narcotic Soundsystem.


  8. Let’s not forget Fiddle Faddle


    • Or as the Dollar Stores term it, Foddle Fuddle, to avoid copyright infringement or any indication of quality.



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