Archive for May 29th, 2009

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Dollar Store Shopping Spree

May 29, 2009
Color costs extra.

Color costs extra.

Ah, the $1 store. Home of non-FDA-approved household items, has-been celebrity-endorsed items and factory rejects from around the world. The following is just a small sampling of the bargains to be found at your nearest buck boutique.

Food

  • Funky Bunches of Oats
  • Prince of Tides Breakfast Cereal
  • Ramen Helper
  • Spicy-Ohs Pasta in Habanero Sauce: Twice the Fun of Regular Ohs!
  • J.Q. Butterkist Popcorn-Flavored Corn Chips
  • Imitation Margarine
  • Michael & Isaac Fruit-Flavored Chews
  • Nerks (Hamish Industries’ foray into the lucrative candy field)
  • Grade A Large Rooster Eggs
  • Speed Freak Energy Drink (Contains essential vitamins and methamphetamines)
  • Gatorade: Fig Rush!
  • Tastee-Aid Colored Beverage Mix (New flavor: purple!)
  • Wintergreen Pepsi
  • Xena!: the Animated Series Fruit Snacks (Flavors include: apricot, tomato, plantain, purple)
  • Donald Mill’s Signature Candy Selection: Black licorice, butterscotch hard candy, Starlite mints, anise chews, butter mints, rye Lifesavers

Household

  • Flounce Fabric Softener
  • Seed Packets: Kudzu, Milkweed, Brussels Sprouts, Mulberry & Turnips
  • $2 Whore Makeup Set (Half-Off!)
  • 3 Pk. Notebooks: Community-College Ruled (Extra Wide)
  • Home Lead Testing Kit (Warning: Contains Lead)
  • Not Pig Shit Fuel: Methane Refill Pack
  • Narco-Leptic Cough Syrup (Drank 2 and Call Me from the E.R.!)
  • 3-Prong to 2-Prong Cord Regression Kit (Contains: tin snips, large warning label)
  • Tan Your Own Pleather Kit
  • Old Navy $1 Flip-Flops (form orderly line, please)
  • Herbal Essence Mouthwash (A refreshing blast of ginseng and nightshade!)
  • Snorks Chewable Vitamins
  • Burlap Swabs
  • Gold Bond Unmedicated Powder (no active ingredients)
  • J.B. Weld Liquid Bandages
  • 8-Month Calendar (Does not include February, June, September and parts of May and December)
  • Dr. Scholl’s Baby Powder
Helloooooooo Branson! Anyone here from the Midwest?

Helloooooooo Branson! Anyone here from the Midwest?

Video/Music/Electronics

  • Sony Mavica Digital Camera
  • Size “B” Batteries
  • 90 Min. Mem-O-Rexx Audio Cassettes with Patented “Dobly” Noise Reduction
  • “Blank” Videocassette: Contains part of Steel Magnolias recorded off a USA Network broadcast
  • The Best of Oh That Jason!
  • Tracy Chapman’s Greatest Hits (Does not include Fast Car or Give Me One Reason)
  • Tom Daschle Tax Software (2007 Edition)
  • Paystation 3 (The fun of saving money in the shape of the entertainment system you’ll never afford!)
  • Videogame: the Videogame (100 Breakout variations and 1 shitty Tetris knockoff)
  • Faces of Death 3 in a Cartoon Cavalcade package
  • The Chevy Chase Show: Episodes 1-4
  • Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead: the Criterion Collection
  • The Holy Bible on Tape: Read by Kirk Cameron
  • Every album Fu Manchu ever made
  • TimeMaster Calculator Watch (Accurate Up to Twice a Day!)
  • Takin’ Care of Business!: Bachman-Turner Overdrive Live at the Branson, Mo. Civic Center 2009! (cassette only)

Toys

  • 1000 Ct. Mixed Caps (Contains Less Than 50% Duds!)
  • Fondle Me Elmo: *giggle* You’re going to jail, shorteyes!
  • Bible Playset: The Book of Numbers Matryoshka Dolls (Beget and beget and beget – the fun keeps shrinking!)
  • John Rocker Talking Doll (Says Nine Offensive Phrases!)
  • Steve Guttenberg Action Figure
  • Zimbabwean Play Money
  • Michael Vick Rookie Cards
  • Lil’ Gardner Kit (Contains: shovel, hat, rutabaga seeds, diazinon, subsidy check)
  • Lil’ Artist Set (Contains: beret, guide for mixing primary colors, burnt sienna crayon, lifetime unemployment)
  • Bingo Cards (No “Free” Space)
  • Eazy-E Lil’ Gangsta Playset (Contains: Oakland Raiders cap, bandanna, plastic Glock, AIDS)
  • Sinister Ducks Board Game

Books

  • All Cows Go to Heaven: the Chicago Meatpacker’s Rebuttal to Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle
  • Pop-Up Book of Intestinal Disorders
  • Where’s Waldo?: Misprint Edition
  • Oprah Winfrey’s Diet of the Month: How I Lost 80 Pounds and Kept it Off!
  • Scary Movie novelisation
  • Mediocrity Complex: the Chad Kroeger Story (by Chad Kroeger and John Updike)
Miraculously turns unlit hallways into lit hallways.

Miraculously turns unlit hallways into lit hallways.

Misc.

  • $2 Whore (50% Off!)
  • Grandma Brand Sunglasses
  • Herpes Simplex (Free!: See Cashier)
  • Semi-Temporary Tattoos: Contains lysergic acid and caustic soda
  • Ennui for Men (cologne)
  • Moodkiller Bodywash by Axe (5 gal. container)
  • Head Lice (Free!: Master P’s Hat Collection – Aisle 4)
  • Jesus Nightlight (As I went to the bathroom/fridge, I saw two sets of footprints…)
  • Factory Second Bumper Stickers – Includes:
    – Honk if You’re Sexually Frustrated
    – Milwaukee is for Lovers
    – My Other Car is a Moderately Priced Sedan, Also
    – God is My Co-Signer
    – Dick Cheney/Alice Cooper 2012
    – Is That a Restraining Order in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
    – I Can Go from 0-Bitch for No Apparent Reason
    – Beam Me Up, Scotty; I’m With Stupid
    – No Stereo
    – Calvin urinating on Hobbes

 -CLT

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