Summer Movie Guide

May 27, 2009
So much sucking, so little space.

So much sucking, so little space.

Hollywood’s patented “Blockbuster” season is upon us again and you know what that means: late fees, inarticulate staff and “New Releases” that are still available on videotape.

Will Smith Vehicle #31, starring Will Smith
Having lightly stretched his acting chops in recent years, Will Smith returns to familiar ground for a film dealing with a subject near and dear to Will Smith: Will Smith. Early speculation points to action with a 40% chance of comedy.

Leonard Maltin: The Will Smith of Will Smith movies. Will Smith!

Uwe Boll’s I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream
Boll takes on another videogame title with spectacular results. Boll captures the essence of the classic game and its key elements, including car chases, shootouts and some very questionable humor. Starring Scott Speedman, Yasmine Bleeth and for some fucking reason, Daniel Day-Lewis. Best scene: Harlan Ellison, 75 years young, dismembering Uwe Boll.

Harlan Ellison: I’m the Lou Reed of the literary world!

Anybody seen this? I hear it's a passable way to kill three hours...

Anybody seen this? I hear it's a passable way to kill three hours...

Titanic 2
James Cameron returns with a follow-up to his 1997 sleeper indie hit. This time around, billionaire Arland Hubris (Bill Paxton) builds the world’s largest luxury ship (the King of the World) and retraces the Titanic’s ill-fated route. The cast of Airport ’77 joins him.

Boston Herald – Subtle, understated drama. A welcome change from the usual noisy, big-budget summer fare!

Flick Flick (alt. Movie Movie)
Those cutups from over at the Dimension spoof mill are at it again, having ditched any pretense of a contiguous story line. Basically 1-1/2 hours of skewed movie scenes, like a sketch comedy show without the comedy.

Fox-TV – 2nd unit footage of the year!

I Survived
A tragic story of backpacking gone wrong, ripped from the pages of Reader’s Digest. After being mauled by bears, mugged by antelope and sexually harassed by trout, Ben Campbell hikes 1,250 miles through the Montana wilderness with only his faith and his unicycle for company. Starring Shia Lebouf and Michael Wincott as a rogue bear. Featuring large print subtitles.

Onion AV Club – Disturbingly erotic!

Takashi Miike’s Ichi the Killer remade for American audiences. Originally set to be helmed by “torture porn” auteur Eli Roth, a change in studio heads resulted in a push for a PG-13 rating and a larger box office take. Roth, having disappeared up his own ass, was unavailable and uninterested in the project. Chris Columbus (Harry Potter, Night at the Museum) was tapped to helm the remake.

Shifting the action to an American high school, the story features a mysterious foreign exchange student who is known merely as “Itchy,” as no one can be bothered to find out his real name. Itchy’s soon begins to mete out his revenge, stalking the halls and racking up kill after bloodless kill. Also features a comedic subplot dealing with Itchy’s hilarious accent and routine “murdering” of the English language.

Minneapolis Star-Tribune – Chris Columbus continues to show why he is the master of horror!

Thieves and Liars
Michael Moore investigates the UAW, finding nothing wrong there. Just good old American rabbit eaters. Obviously, the real villains are the GM execs and the penny-pinching government. Not featured: the South’s non-union plants, disgruntled taxpayers.

St. Petersburg Times – The fat man makes a point!

Popped! The Orville Redenbacher Story
The inspirational story of America’s favorite popcornier, Orville Redenbacher. Beginning with his modest Indiana upbringing all the way through his reign as the king of popcorn, including such crucial and little-known elements such as his lab accident that resulted in “popped corn” to his strong-arm tactics that kept him on top of such rivals as Henry Butterkist and Melvin “Pop” Secret. Featuring the reanimated corpse of Katherine Hepburn in the title role.

El Paso Herald-Post – Required viewing for Mr. Hermanson’s fifth-grade class!

Candyman: The Sammy Davis Jr. Story
Directed by Mel Gibson and starring Public Enemy’s Professor Griff and Michael Richards, this biopic takes solid aim at who exactly runs this country. Gibson himself describes it as Conspiracy Theory meets Song of the South in Vegas.

Chicago Sun-Times – Like a refreshing blast of whiskey-soaked breath!

Love in a Time of Mono
Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s classic, updated for the Twilight set. Starring some freshly-scrubbed youngsters fresh off the Disney Genetic Imagineering campus. Oh, and Diane Keaton.

Elk River Fortnightly – Like going to the mall!

One-half of the world's oldest known rivalry

One-half of the world's oldest known rivalry

Remake of the classic 50’s atomic scare film. With rampant nuclear testing no longer a threat, this remake posits the theory that the ants have mutated due to hybrid vegetables and steroided cattle. Highlighting the dangers of tampering with nature, the protagonists hope to calm the rampaging ants with protest songs and “Them! Were Here First” demonstrations.

The ants, showing a startling lack of conscience, destroy everything in their path, following the instinctive pattern of “Eat, Kill, Raise Millions of Young.”

NBC TV – More fast-paced than an Al Gore slideshow, and only half as boring!

Oh That Jason!
Cult-classic 50’s sitcom hits the big screens in a long-awaited update. Transported to modern day through a badly-explained mishap involving a malfunctioning TV and a wrathful God, Jason’s family suddenly find themselves face-to-face with the future. Hilarity ensues as they try to purchase a “flying car,” a “domestic robot” and other modern accouterments.

While they try to make heads-or-tails of this present-day future, Jason’s family bands together to help an alcoholic private detective hunt down rogue Replicants, treat the Eloi to some American barbeque with their homemade time machine and spend some family time in the Ministry of Love.

Alan Moore – A complete piece of shit. Please remove my name from the credits or deal with my long-haired and vaguely menacing lawyers.

The Long Dark Lunch Break of the Soul
Looking to build an Office Space-type franchise, this film features the soul-crushing day-to-day experiences of Hamish Industries’ peon, Adam Truitt. Meet an office full of misfits as Alex deals with rogue refrigerators, bad goth albums, incredibly violent business trips and his unrequited love for Carlita. The despair climaxes as Allen finds himself trapped in subplots that are never resolved and “voluntold” for various unpleasant office social functions.

A note: Although the film tested well, studio execs noted that much of the audience, while mildly engaged in the story, would talk amongst themselves at lengths about pretty much any subject, frequently causing the main character to break the fourth wall and join in.

XM Radio – If you only see one movie this year, that’s just kind of sad.

Action Film
Michael Bay and John Woo team up to present the first film to be shot entirely in slow-motion. Tony Scott stops by to fuck with the color balance and film stock.

Woonsocket Rooster – Heart-rending dialogue and edge-of-your-seat romance!

Oscar Bait
A Merchant-Ivory production of yet another slow-paced costume drama. Starring Dame Judy Dench, Liam Neeson, James Wood and Emo Philips. Featuring luscious cinematography, numerous costume changes, stilted dialogue and long periods of nothing much happening so you can pee without missing important plot development.

Salt Lake City Rabble-Rouser – You could bounce a quarter off Dench’s ass!



  1. Hahaha…

    You the man!

    Ahhh, my.

    That hack Alan Moore made a complete duck’s breakfast of what was supposed to be gripping coming of age story about a compulsive masturbator; his wacky dad; the leg humping neighbour, and an inert rag doll. Plus the Claire Collins cameo was cut out. Which was a real shame. That gal can act. I’ve never seen anyone swing a whiskey bottle like her. You just wanted to yell “duck.” Back to the duck thing: If that “writer” Moore had just focused up on the screenplay, all those disastrous 2nd act problems would never occurred. (I mean, really, four flying car chase scenes??) But no, Moore was too busy writing and directing his little “Sinister Ducks” project.

    Sure, it’s a masterpiece, but at the cost of “Oh, That Jason” which had the potential to be a gripping, coming of age story about a compulsive masturbator.

    Heartbreaking, really…


    I’ve heard “Popped” also includes the true (and grizzly) romantic homosexual story between Orville and his “grandson” Gary. Word is that the title has a lot to with the “deflowering and devirginizing” scene of young innocent “stars in his eyes and junk up his butt” Gary. Apparently it’s a pretty grueling 40 second scene.

    Shocking, really…


    What the critics didn’t understand about the Alpooh Truitt character was that his constant breaking of the forth wall was an ironic attempt to capture both the spirit and the cartoon absurdity of Luis Buñuel and the cinematic genius of character actor and auteur, Bug Bunny. Really. If it was good enough for the Bourgeoisie as well as the discreet charms of “le wascally wabbit,” it should have been good enough for the benighted masses.

    Sad, really…

    • Oh, man… that comment is too good for words.

      Have you ever considered writing? (Not professionally, of course, as you may be forced to lose the the phrases “compulsive masturbator” and “junk up his butt.”) You seem to have a knack for it, unlike Moore or that hack, Updike.

      Thanks for the masterful comment. I’ll need some time to recollect my scattered thoughts and to bang my head against the wall until I stop hearing, “Ducks, ducks, quack-quack.”

      Thanks again, beautifully played.

    • As always. Totally my pleasure. Great post!

    • Christ! Love that lack of comma work, Alan.

      It reads like I’m patting myself on the back. That’s the kind of stunt that hack of a scribbler and all round language abusing bastard, Updike would do.

      Let’s try this again.

      “As always, totally my pleasure. Great post!”

      (please note the comma)


  2. I’m damned excited about the Orville Redenbacher Story and I don’t mind telling you. Been waiting a number of years for that story to be told and now that I know they are bringing Kate back that’s the icing on the cake.

    I have to say I take some exception though to the remarks of Mr. Dachshund regarding Orville Redenbacher and his grandson. It’s damned rude and out of line. The man half-way near invented popcorn for Christ’s sake – he deserves a little more respect.

    Damn but I’m all worked up now.

    Anyway, thanks for the advance word on the films. They all look like crap that only young people are stupid enough to enjoy (with the notable exception of the Orville Redenbacher story) and I will likely picket them all on principle.

    All the best, CLT. Off for a nightcap, Larry King and then bed.

    Donald Mills

    • I’m glad there will one reason to get you outside this summer. Careful at the multiplex. It will be full of youngsters.

      Thanks for the great comment, Don. Always a red-letter day when you stop by.

  3. My cameo got cut? And I have to hear it second hand from Andy? Should I be concerned that I had a cameo in a movie about a compulsive masturbator? They told me he was just friendly. Very friendly. Of course, then Alfie has to say “As always. Totally my pleasure.” He forgot to mention he was the body double in the ‘action’ scenes.

    CLT, save me a space on the wall. I’m having these horrible moments where I just want to scream, “DUCK!” and I don’t even have a whiskey bottle to swing. I decided to swig it instead.

    • You don’t remember?

      Jeeze, you wrote the first draft and insisted on a “Hitchcock moment.”

      When I said “I’m not sure” you hit me with a whiskey bottle.

      One of the producers happened to walk by and then said, “Hey, I like that. The drunk writer gal can swing a whiskey bottle.”

      This ringing any bells?

  4. It’s going to be one great fucking summer!!!

  5. I rang your bell with the whiskey bottle. That’s the last thing I remember.

    That’ll teach you to argue with me.

    • Whiskey always brings families closer. At least that’s what I pieced together in between emergency room visits and therapy.

    • I never drank until I met Alan. He drove me to it. Then he drove me home. Then I drove him to the ER to get stitches in his head, then he drove me to the police station for driving drunk.

      Now I need therapy. Alan and I must be related.

  6. Nothing like being a second-rate Sinbad, who, as far as I can tell, is neither white nor black. He seems to be something else entirely, like a tracksuit mannequin from a Big-N-Tall store.

  7. I’m so glad to see that Hollywood is beginning to put some substance into their movies. The last few years have been so incredibly pathetic, but this summer it looks as though the tides might be changing. I’m especially interested in “I Survived” if only to see how a unicycle is ridden in the wilderness.

    • Y&B-

      The unicycle is puzzling. The fact that it was brought into the wilderness is confusing enough, but to bring it back out with you? There’s just not enough downhill or proper pavement.

      Thanks for the excellent question, Y&B.

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