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Upper Midwestern State Community College and Vocational School Courses

May 18, 2009
The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

The scenic Upper Midwestern State campus, located just outside the maximum security prison.

Summer’s here and, unfortunately, will soon be gone, much like this rapidly fanned bong smoke. Hopefully more rapid than that, Mom’s almost to the front door. Jesus! Open that window!

Time to apply for college. And not just any college, the cheapest college money can buy. Browse some selections from UMSCC&VS’ upcoming academic year.

Required

  • The Main Entrance Doors Are “Pull” – Key info for new students. Also covered: lining up in alphabetical order, last name first (needlessly complex?), and why are all of our parking spots marked “Handicapped?” (Just park anywhere and help us mount a counter-attack against those Devry eggheads.)
  • G.E.D. Fundamentals – Getting a handle on our only admission requirement.
  • Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey: Introduction to Basic Mechanics
  • It’s Not Rocket Science and Other Phrases You’ll Be Hearing a Lot Of – Also covers: “dangerously underqualified,” “lowered expectations,” “potential liability,” and “You’re 36. Move the fuck out of our house.”
  • Shop Class Basics – Learning to count to ten with fewer than ten fingers; fallback obscene gestures.
  • The 1040EZ: Mastering the Only Tax Form You’ll Ever Need
  • Will It Blend? – What MSDS sheets aren’t telling you.
  • From Airliner Repair to Birth Control: 1001 Uses for Duct Tape

Vocational

  • VCR Repair – Tape jams, tracking and 12:00. Required course for admission to basic laserdisc repair.
  • How to Take Advantage of Women and the Elderly – Entry-level Auto Repair course.
  • MLM & You: Fallback Careers and Moonlighting – The power of exponential math brought to you by Amway. Also of interest: World Book Sales – Wikipedia for slow children.
  • Geocities Presents: The Future of Website Design – Animated GIFs, multi-colored text, banner ads and other key basics for your Tiffany fanclub website.
  • Basic BASIC: Your “GOTO” Programming Language
  • Copier Repair – Earn up to $30/hour installing toner cartridges and selling extended warranties.
  • If You Want to Spend Time with Your Family This Holiday Season, You’d Better Hope They’re Shopping Here – Essentials for a career in retail.
  • Executive Mailroom Training: Blue Collar in a White Collar World – Stop believing all that Hollywood bullshit. You’re going nowhere.
  • Geek Squad Basics – Earn up to $11/hour selling extended warranties, “installing” pre-installed software and stripmining porn from customers’ hard drives.
  • Sounds Like a Hardware Problem: Microsoft Tech Support basics
  • Game Design – You like games, right? Then you’re perfect for this. You also like low-paid, 18-hour workdays and have a solid background in higher math and computer programming, right? No. Not so much, huh. Go hang out with those blonde morons, then.
  • Quotation Marks and the Commercial Signing Business – Just put “them” anywhere!
  • Security Guard Training – All the fun of being a cop (hassling teens, strip-searching teens) with none of the responsibility (preventing crime, solving crimes).
  • Cable Installation – Throw out your calendars and clocks. You won’t be needed these restrictive items any more!
  • Outsourcing – The Man’s plan to keep you hip-deep in Amway cleaning products; World Book encyclopedias.
  • Shopping Cart Wrangling – Advanced techniques for lines of 20 or more carts.
  • Elementary School Coaching – How to deal with violent parents, inept children and your own sex offender past. Also included: where to get the best buys on those sweet polyester shorts.
  • Everything’s Gone Retarded! – Dealing with suddenly becoming left-handed.
  • Introductory Tuning – Increasing your horsepower through careful decal application.
  • Dental Technicians: Grabbing the Brass Waterpik – With Prof. Shane McGowan.
  • Over-the-Road Trucking – Covers: methamphetamine selection, caring for your two sets of logbooks, and how not to respond to law enforcement (see example).
    Example:
    Which is the correct response?
    Weigh-Station Officer: “You look like you’re a couple hundred pounds overweight.”
    A. “Well, that makes two of us.”
    B. “This always happens during a lunar eclipse. Simple physics, really.”
    C. “Someone thought the illegals would appreciate a sack lunch.”
    D. “So… you want me to let some air out the tires or something?”

Electives

  • Art Appreciation – We have never, and will not ever be using nude models. Please stop asking.
  • Advanced Bong Assembly – How to turn yesterday’s shop class project into today’s “tobacco-only” recreation device.
  • In the End, Does It Really Matter?: The Poetry of Linkin Park
  • Pain Don’t Hurt: The Tao of Patrick Swayze – Includes discussion of “Water ain’t Wet” (Point Break), “Dancing ain’t Dirty” (Dirty Dancing) and “Planes Don’t Crash” (Donnie Darko).
  • Political Science: Diebold invites you to get your crowd-sourced ass to work on designing a better electro-vote machine.
  • Debate Class: Ford vs. Chevy – Who truly deserves Calvin’s urine?
  • Computers and Creative Writing – Covered: how to fail to make your point in 500 words or more (blog pointers), the subtle nuances of Youtube comment threads and the DiggNation citizenship exam [1109 Diggs].
  • Music Appreciation: From Hair Metal to Rap Metal – The best of the last 20 years of rock. Not included: those whiny-ass “grunge” years.
  • Things That Are “Gay” – Open discussion on everything from Kevin Federline’s latest single to that ridiculous shirt you’re wearing.
  • Film Appreciation: Pioneers of the Straight-to-Video Market
  • Bumper-Sticker Philosophy: From “Honk if You’re Horny” to “My Other Car is a Bible” – Making the least out of space limitations. See also: Twitter

-CLT

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4 comments

  1. Not soon enough, I’m afraid.

    Professor Chester “Chet” Bennington tries so hard but only gets so far…


  2. So much comedy… Packed full of hilarity. Must lie down from laughing pain. Once recharged will read again… And again… And again…

    Wow.

    FYI: I flunked out of VCR repair – three times. So I took a “Black Electrical Tape – Friend or Foe?” course and used what I learned there to cover up the 12.00 on my VCR. Did you know? Black Electrical Tape can be our friend. And it nicely covers up that flashing 12.00 Ha, ha! I win! I think… Wait…

    The Security Guard’s lament – “We don’t get to carry guns even though we should be able to.”


    • Thanks for the kind words, but no one gets to drive the classic Ferrari, least of all you, Ferris.

      I was thinking about adding another elective – The Hetero Apologists’ Guide to Top Gun (Advanced) – Discussion of seemingly unimportant volleyball scene.

      Seriously though, thanks for the compliments.


    • 🙂
      As always, you’re in fine form.

      The Hetero Apologists’ Guide to Top Gun (Advanced) – Discussion of seemingly unimportant volleyball scene. I’d be very interested in signing up. You know, I’m sure, that those volleyball scenes were all pivotal to intrinsic plot points and not just an excuse to show off bouncing breasts covered in wet sand?

      What am I saying? Of course you knew that.



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