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The Government: Too Big to Succeed

May 3, 2009

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The more I hear, read or otherwise absorb about our government, the sicker I get. Over the course of my lifetime, our representatives have been quickly shedding the pretense of being their constituents’ voice in Washington.

At this point, the entire process has gone off the rails. Here are some suggestions for fixing it:

Term Limits
They’ve slapped one on the highest power in the U.S. ever since FDR refused to die until his fourth term. But for some reason, senators and congressmen are allowed to hold the same damn position for 20, 30, 40+ years.

I’m not sure what this says about their constituents (other than they’d rather not have to change their “angry citizen tirade” letterhead), but let’s just get a new set of ripoff artists into the seats every 6-8 years.

This should motivate any worldbeaters to do more than piss their time away with motions recognizing local heroes (“James Klum, for setting a new meet record at the district II-AA regional quarterfinals…”) and spend more time actually improving their nation. This will also limit the damage done by special interest whores with a career-politician mentality.

Eliminate Automatic Pay Raises
Currently, to be eligible for a bump in pay, all a Congressman or Senator needs to do is sit home and wait for the automatic pay raise to sail through uncontested. Understandably, this day is chosen by the D.C. janitorial system to do a deep cleaning of the usually congested area.

Pay raises should be instituted only upon reelection. Better yet, let your constituents vote on your yearly pay raise. I guarantee most government employees would select the former rather than leave it in the hands of the same people they’re pissing off.

End the War on Drugs
I’m not going to spend much time rehashing everything that’s wrong with this dismal failure. So far, the only purposes it serves is to ensure a healthy income for foreign drug lords and a steady incarceration of stoners.

Revamp the Legislative System
Open any major bill to a public vote. Better yet, allow each state to vote separately. This one-size-fucks-all form of legislating is making a mockery of the word “representative.” Certainly, this will keep a lot of pork from being shoved into the bills’ ILBs. Plus, the government really needs to learn to trust its citizens, rather than following the normal “Uncle Sam’s Day Care for Adults” line of thinking.

Campaign Contribution Transparency
Yeah, this is in place already but who is really going to spend the time researching all of these names and trying to connect the dots. My suggestion is that each candidate be given a NASCAR type jumpsuit on which to sew the logos of each major corporation/special interest group that has donated above a certain dollar amount to them. These logos should also be applied to their campaign vehicles. Once another higher dollar amount has been met, any televised speech/debate should have a mandatory introduction a la this: “Republican Congressional Candidate A, brought to you by Enron, Mobil and a special grant from Philip Morris.”

It’s time to let the people know who you really represent. If elected, the jumpsuit stays on.

Government Employees
Effective immediately, via a speech from Alec Baldwin, all employees have one week left to work. Make them earn their jobs back. Nothing is more crippled than the multi-billion dollar collection of lazy, underqualified, bureaucratic hacks we call public service. And while we’re at it, tear the budgeting system a new asshole. No more of this “use the rest of the budget or we won’t get it next year” bullshit. More wasteful and useless programs have been created and abandoned just to make sure the hole receives the same amount of discarded money from year to year.

To sum up: you’re all fired and have one week to prove you’re worth something. Your new budget is $0. Try to keep it as close to that as possible.

-CLT

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2 comments

  1. All is forgiven.

    P.S. Lots of great articles up above! Cheers.


    • On the subject of forgiveness, may I be so bold as to quote from a bleakly wonderful song (and let’s face it, who’s gonna stop me) :

      “I forgive but I forget…” – Black Flowers (Yo La Tengo)

      Thanks for the compliments, al. Always nice having you drop in.



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