Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion V. 3

May 1, 2009

Volume 3 – Philip J. Fry, Turanga Leela and other Random Characters

The final set of quotes, all needing only a minimum of editing to break the ice at events such as: your child’s circumcision, “family planning” office small talk, anger management classes, prom chaperoning or public indecency arrest. Enjoy!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Philip J. Fry

  • Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex.
  • But you’re better than normal, you’re abnormal.
  • I don’t like having discs crammed into me… unless they’re Oreos… and then only in the mouth.
  • I’ve got to stop living in the past, by which I mean the future.
  • I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
  • Hey, did everything just taste purple for a second?
  • Don’t you worry about “blank.” Let me worry about “blank.”
  • There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics that are more important than me.
  • It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
  • They’re like sex, except I’m having them!
  • I don’t regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
  • I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff!
  • We’re in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
  • I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
  • Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  • When will young people learn that playing “Dungeons and Dragons” doesn’t make you cool!
  • It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.
  • Well, it used to be milk… and time makes fools of us all.
  • I’ll show ye.
  • People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
  • Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
  • But existing is basically all I do!
  • Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you’re gonna be lonely.
  • I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
  • It’s hot in here! The butter in my pocket is melting!
  • Maybe you can’t understand this, but I finally found what I need to be happy. And it’s not friends. It’s things.
  • C’mon guys, tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999… again.
  • Ow! My sperm!
  • I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love but…
  • No need to pack pants, people. Let’s roll!
  • My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
  • Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
  • We’re all sick of your new upbeat outlook on life.
  • These new hands are great! I’m gonna break them in tonight.
  • All right… It’s Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all Rush mix tape. Let’s rock!
  • Because it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female.

I know you think Bender's great, but have you ever considered that he's not that great?

As your new captain, I plan to do as little dying as possible.


  • Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let’s go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
  • I don’t mean to offend but this tastes like vomit.
  • I’m rich! Suddenly, I have an opinion on the capital gains tax!
  • I don’t see you with a Fungineering degree.
  • I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!
  • I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
  • Ooh, I think I’ll wear that slutty dress I’ve been saving for Easter!
  • The only thing that other crew did better than us is suck and die.
  • What are you? A whining machine?
  • At the risk of sounding negative, no.
  • Alright, This is the third hose fight I’ve broken up today, and the second using actual hoses.
  • Hey, hey! We can all fight when we’re drunk!
  • Well, at least here you’ll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
  • The only kind of crawling I’m doing to you is away. From.
  • All right, all right, I’ll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you.
  • Baseball was as boring as Mom and apple pie.
  • It’s traditional. Just like aluminum bats and the seventh inning grope.
  • Please… Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive day care centers.
  • Nice ass, ass.
  • You’re vegetarians. Who cares what you do?
  • Stop bickering or I’m gonna come back there and change your opinions manually.
  • Then today is your lucky day. Because I happen to be a holding, stroking, loving machine. Also spanking.
Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived.

Scruffy's gonna die the way he lived.

And misc.

  • If for any reason you’re not completely satisfied, I hate you. – 7-11 clerk
  • Something’s wrong. Murder isn’t working and it’s all we’re good at. – Nichelle Nichols
  • I’m going to open a file of whoop-ass on you. – The Masked Unit
  • Well, keep adoption open. It’s a good way of having kids without having sex. – Head of Orphanarium
  • You’re just jealous! Nobody loves you because you’re tiny and made of meat! – Planet Express Ship
  • I apologize for nothing! – Hedonism Bot
  • This opera’s as lousy as it is brilliant! – Robot Devil
  • I can do more than talk; I can pontificate! – Nibbler
  • Hey, butt out. This is between me and everyone in existence. – Yivo
  • Sir, your derangement is impressive. I’m appointing you my official stalker. – Calculon
  • You’re not made of Tuesday! – Roberto
  • In the end, it wasn’t guns or bombs that defeated the aliens, but that humblest of God’s creatures, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. – Scary Door Narrator
  • Admiral, will we stop attacking at any point? Or is this one of those phony bologna feel-good wars like the War on Drugs? – Lars
  • That was so terrible I think it gave me cancer. – Calculon
  • I’ll fix him like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-eating war hero. – Robot Nixon
  • I just pray they like me half as much as I do. – Calculon
  • I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe! – Transylvanian peasant robot
  • Now I’m off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts. – Mom
  • These robots make me sick to my ass. – Mom
  • Cram a bastard in it, you twerps! – Mom
  • I gotta make sure this isn’t another scientific fraud like global warming or secondhand smoke. – Mayor Poopenmeyer
  • Your neutralness, it’s a beige alert. – Neutral Officer
  • Frankly, I’ve never felt voting to be all that essential to the process. – Gerald Ford’s head
  • Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me. – Amy
  • Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not. – Transylvanian peasant robot
  • You have nothing to worry about. Except a nightmarish life of unremitting horror. – Gypsy fortuneteller
  • Look, I’m programmed to be very busy. – Calculon
  • Good way to avoid frostbite, folks: Put your hands between your buttocks! That’s nature’s pocket. – Free Waterfall Sr.
  • Hey baby! Ever do it in a suitcase? – Jockey
  • Aww…he looks like a little insane drunken angel. – Amy
  • You can’t shut us down! The internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people’s ideas. – Nappster employee
  • Boy, I’ve never seen him so down. Or ever before. – Scruffy

Previously on Fancy Plans…
Volume 1 – Zapp Brannigan and Bender
Volume 2 – the Professor, Hermes and Zoidberg



  1. that’s a great collection — thanks

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