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May 1, 2009
Why Ted married Jane.

Why Ted married Jane.

Bob Sinclar – Gym Tonic.mp3

French House producer (is there any other kind?) Bob Sinclar released this single, featuring a lengthy sample of a Ms. Jane Fonda workout album.

Stand with your feet together, buttocks tight, stomach pulled in, arms straight out to the side, shoulder height. Now flex your hands upward, press the heels of your hands out to the opposite walls, and circle forward. 2..3..4..5..6..7..8..and back.

It drew the attention of the litigious Ted Turner & Moustache, Inc., who apparently claimed Jane Fonda as “intellectual property.” (We can laugh at this later.) No one knows exactly what was objectionable about the sample.

Perhaps Sinclar’s label was unable to cough up ivory backscratcher-type money to secure the rights. Perhaps Mr. Turner wished to keep his wife’s sordid past as a fitness instructor under wraps.

While Ms. Fonda certainly has committed her share of crimes against humanity (popularizing legwarmers, marrying Ted Turner, deluding movie stars into believing they have valid opinions), perhaps none is so egregious as Barbarella, a French nudie pic wrapped in a French art house overcoat.

This, of course, adds to Ms. Fonda’s rap sheet the charge of aiding and abetting Duran Duran, whose members spent most of the 80’s behaving as if they were main characters in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Spiritualized – Ladies & Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space.mp3

Jason Pierce (a.k.a. J. Spaceman; amnesiac Jason Bourne) has made some bad decisions as well (naming his child “Poppy,” continuing his feud with Sonic Boom well past the point that anyone cares), but none was more bold and potentially damaging to his heroin slush fund than his head-to-head run-in with the Estate of Elvis Presley.

All told, Ladies & Gentlemen… is a glorious ode to unrequited love/heroin. J then takes a sad song and makes it better (choke on that, Apple Records!) by dropping huge, unaltered chunks of lyrics and melody line from Elvis’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. About a million times removed from, and a million times better, than UB40’s inescapable faux-reggae rendition.

-CLT

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