Archive for May 1st, 2009

h1

CTRL-Z to Undelete, Right Click to Save

May 1, 2009
Why Ted married Jane.

Why Ted married Jane.

Bob Sinclar – Gym Tonic.mp3

French House producer (is there any other kind?) Bob Sinclar released this single, featuring a lengthy sample of a Ms. Jane Fonda workout album.

Stand with your feet together, buttocks tight, stomach pulled in, arms straight out to the side, shoulder height. Now flex your hands upward, press the heels of your hands out to the opposite walls, and circle forward. 2..3..4..5..6..7..8..and back.

It drew the attention of the litigious Ted Turner & Moustache, Inc., who apparently claimed Jane Fonda as “intellectual property.” (We can laugh at this later.) No one knows exactly what was objectionable about the sample.

Perhaps Sinclar’s label was unable to cough up ivory backscratcher-type money to secure the rights. Perhaps Mr. Turner wished to keep his wife’s sordid past as a fitness instructor under wraps.

While Ms. Fonda certainly has committed her share of crimes against humanity (popularizing legwarmers, marrying Ted Turner, deluding movie stars into believing they have valid opinions), perhaps none is so egregious as Barbarella, a French nudie pic wrapped in a French art house overcoat.

This, of course, adds to Ms. Fonda’s rap sheet the charge of aiding and abetting Duran Duran, whose members spent most of the 80’s behaving as if they were main characters in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Nixon instantly loses the war on drugs.

Spiritualized – Ladies & Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space.mp3

Jason Pierce (a.k.a. J. Spaceman; amnesiac Jason Bourne) has made some bad decisions as well (naming his child “Poppy,” continuing his feud with Sonic Boom well past the point that anyone cares), but none was more bold and potentially damaging to his heroin slush fund than his head-to-head run-in with the Estate of Elvis Presley.

All told, Ladies & Gentlemen… is a glorious ode to unrequited love/heroin. J then takes a sad song and makes it better (choke on that, Apple Records!) by dropping huge, unaltered chunks of lyrics and melody line from Elvis’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. About a million times removed from, and a million times better, than UB40’s inescapable faux-reggae rendition.

-CLT

Advertisements
h1

CYA FTW!

May 1, 2009
Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Had an interesting (if nearly pointless) experience at work today.

A little background: I work in metal fabrication making items like caps and tarp systems for semis and grain trailers, etc. Pretty much everything in the building (machinery and parts) is either 1.) sharp, 2.) heavy or 3.) deadly.

One of my fellow employees shows up at work today, still obviously hammered and reeking of alcohol. This employee has earned the nickname “Pockets” (a reference to where his hands always are) and spends almost every morning looking more than little hungover.

More background on Pockets: approx. 23 years old, two DUIs on his record, goes home after work and takes a nap before hitting the bars all night long and showing up for work the next day.

I go up to him and say, “Are you still drunk?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Really? Because that’s all I’ve been hearing.”

I check with his friend who gave him a ride to work.

“Is he still drunk?”
“Yeah. I didn’t realize how drunk until I gave him a ride. He’s been drunk before but not this bad. I’m getting pretty sick of his shit.”

I go back to Pockets.

“You think it’s OK for you to show up here all fucked up?”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Are you kidding? You reek of booze.”
“No, I don’t.”

(We’ll pause here to consider the stupidity of that last riposte. Your personal BAC may be beyond my skill as a layman, but I’m pretty sure you can’t argue about the odor you’re emitting. That’s public domain. And it smells exactly like an opened beer. Several of them.)

“You’re drunk and you’re going to show up here? Someplace where everything is heavy and done on heavy machines? Best case scenario is you hurt yourself. But more likely, you’re going to end up hurting someone else.”
“I’m not fucking drunk.”
“What you need to do is go sit your ass down until our manager gets here.”
“But…”
“I’m not your supervisor so I can’t make you do this, but you need to get the fuck out of everyone else’s way.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re full of shit.”

I wait for our supervisor to show up and tell him that I’m fairly sure Pockets will still blow hot on a B.A.C. test. He follows the employee handbook on this. Get an independent witness. Done. Get HR to fill out paperwork for the B.A.C. test. Done. They escort him off to the clinic for the test.

My conversations with him took place between 7:20-7:45 am. He gets escorted out around 9 am. They don’t even get to his test until after 10 am. Even with the extra 3 hours of not drinking, he still blows hot.

I’m thinking that’s it. Goodbye.

But no. He now has to attend mandatory Employee Assistance Meetings and has one more strike left. He shows up verifiably drunk again and he’s gone. My manager told him, “If it was up to me, I’d fire your ass now.”

He should be gone. He is willing to put himself and others in danger just because he likes to drink pretty much nonstop. He loses a limb, so what. He’s still living with mommy and daddy and has nobody relying on him for income.  But if he injures nearly anyone else, he’s taking food off the plate of decent human beings who have the ability to show up and do their job unimpaired.

So, thanks to our government, nearly everyone gets to be treated like a government employee and be given a million chances to show how incompetent they are. You have someone show up drunk to work in an already dangerous job and they still get a mulligan.

Bullshit.

-CLT

h1

Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion V. 3

May 1, 2009

Volume 3 – Philip J. Fry, Turanga Leela and other Random Characters

The final set of quotes, all needing only a minimum of editing to break the ice at events such as: your child’s circumcision, “family planning” office small talk, anger management classes, prom chaperoning or public indecency arrest. Enjoy!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Wait! I'm having one of those things... like a headache with pictures... an idea!

Philip J. Fry

  • Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex.
  • But you’re better than normal, you’re abnormal.
  • I don’t like having discs crammed into me… unless they’re Oreos… and then only in the mouth.
  • I’ve got to stop living in the past, by which I mean the future.
  • I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
  • Hey, did everything just taste purple for a second?
  • Don’t you worry about “blank.” Let me worry about “blank.”
  • There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics that are more important than me.
  • It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
  • They’re like sex, except I’m having them!
  • I don’t regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
  • I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff!
  • We’re in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
  • I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
  • Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
  • When will young people learn that playing “Dungeons and Dragons” doesn’t make you cool!
  • It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up.
  • Well, it used to be milk… and time makes fools of us all.
  • I’ll show ye.
  • People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
  • Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
  • But existing is basically all I do!
  • Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you’re gonna be lonely.
  • I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
  • It’s hot in here! The butter in my pocket is melting!
  • Maybe you can’t understand this, but I finally found what I need to be happy. And it’s not friends. It’s things.
  • C’mon guys, tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999… again.
  • Ow! My sperm!
  • I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love but…
  • No need to pack pants, people. Let’s roll!
  • My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
  • Wow! Check out that guy! He makes Speedy Gonzales look like regular Gonzales.
  • We’re all sick of your new upbeat outlook on life.
  • These new hands are great! I’m gonna break them in tonight.
  • All right… It’s Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all Rush mix tape. Let’s rock!
  • Because it taught me so much. Like, how you should accept people, whether they be black, white, Klingon or even female.

Read the rest of this entry ?