Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 2

April 29, 2009

Volume 2 – Professor Farnsworth, Hermes Conrad & Dr. John Zoidberg

Another pack of exciting quotes, compiled by hand with little regard to clarity or comprehensiveness. Use them at your next NA meeting, MLM conference, PETA protest or any other acronym-related activity.

Even I thought I was insane when I came up with my latest invention...

Even I thought I was mad when I came up with my latest invention...

Professor Farnsworth

  • Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!
  • If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the Angry Dome!
  • Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you.
  • Sweet zombie Jesus!
  • Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
  • Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news!
  • Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.
  • I’m sciencing as fast as I can!
  • I can wire anything directly into anything – I’m the professor!
  • In his absence I am calling a mandatory company meeting. To the mandatorium!
  • Oh, I never knew how much I’d miss him until he was gone! Not that much, as it turns out.
  • My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable!
  • There’s just one little problem, and it’s a big one.
  • Good God! Just knowing we’re in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo!
  • Choke on that, causality!
  • Everyone’s always in favour of saving Hitler’s brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you’ve gone too far!
  • Tonight’s a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
  • Now, now! There’ll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.
  • If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
  • I don’t know how to teach. I’m a professor!
  • This is uncomfortable and humiliating! Now, if they could put it the form of a suppository…
  • Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can’t have either one.
  • Don’t do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God. Don’t not do it!
  • Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a broken mp3.
  • With that big new Romanticorp contract, I’ve been able to make those government mandated upgrades you’ve all been suing me about.
  • This isn’t a business. I’ve always thought of it more as a source of cheap labor. Like a family.
  • Very well! Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!
  • A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished! Oh, the Jedi’s are going to feel this one.
  • Oh no! I should do something….but I am already in my pajamas.
  • Some say I’m robbing the cradle, but I say she’s robbing the grave.
  • I only have a few years left to live, I don’t want to spend them dead.
  • That’s whatever you were talking about for you…
  • I’m beginning to think there’ll be no forced mating at all.
  • Perhaps it is your attitude that needs a good bending! A 90º bending! To a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
  • It’s the Apocalypse all right. I always knew I’d have a hand in it.
  • Ah, to be young again, and also a robot.
  • This thing isn’t worth the gold it’s made of.
  • So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.
  • That’s going to bleed when my heart beats.
  • Who needs courage when you have… a gun!

Welcome to Stampytown! Population... six.

Welcome to Stampytown! Population... six.

Hermes Conrad

  • Labor Day? That phony-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
  • I’m gonna go home and relax, the traditional, Jamaican way – a glass of warm milk and a good night’s sleep.
  • I’d like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space.
  • I don’t want you to worry about your jobs while you are away. That’s why I’m firing you now.
  • Don’t be a hero! It’s not covered by the health plan!
  • Like my granny used used to say back in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay, “If you want a box thrown into the sun, you got to do it yourself.” God rest her zombie bones.
  • Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things!
  • I wasn’t meant to be a bureaucrat! I’m only anal 83.76% of the time!
  • Someone requisition me a beat!
  • I’d love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen.
  • This isn’t a pet license, it’s a fishing license. And it’s mandatory!
Guess where I've been!

Guess where I've been!

Dr. Zoidberg

  • Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
  • Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it!
  • I don’t like the looks of this doctor. I bet I’ve lost more patients than he’s cured.
  • It’s funny because it’s poisonous!
  • Your music’s bad and you should feel bad!
  • I lost it. …In a volcano.
  • Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!
  • If rich people like it, then I’ll take it. One “Art” please!
  • You may have lost the woman of your dreams, but at least you still have Zoidberg. YOU ALL STILL HAVE ZOIDBERG!
  • By the way, I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.
  • Hooray, I’m useful!
  • Alright, so you’re nonchalant, quit rubbing our noses in it.
  • Casual hello. It’s me, Zoidberg. Act naturally.
  • I’ve heard of that…who says I haven’t!
  • It’s toe-tappingly tragic!
  • They’re tastier than an unguarded penguin nest…
  • Don’t look into it, but I’m a respected internal medicine doctor

Also of interest: Futurama Quotes Vol. 1 (Zapp Brannigan and Bender)



  1. Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!

    Now THAT’S my style. I’m definitely incorporating that into my language.

  2. There are definitely some keepers here.

  3. Because of my self-imposed of standalone lines, I had to leave out one of my favorite Prof. Farnsworth moments:

    (while prepping for a dip in a boiling, hot tar pit at the youth spa)
    Spa Attendant: Sir, it is neither necessary nor wise for you to be naked.
    Farnsworth: Bah. You sound like my tennis instructor.

  4. Oh, and another one:

    Leela: I’m going to prove to Fry that he’s not a robot as only a woman can.
    Prof.: By doing his laundry?

  5. Simply put: This is a great thing you are doing here.

    • Thanks, Al. It’s really a labor of love as those who admire shopworn cliches would say. But, God help me, I do love this show.

      (As the Professor prepares to be hauled away by Death)
      Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom pull cords, cruel though they may be…

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