Futurama Quotes for Any Occasion v. 1

April 27, 2009

Volume 1 – Zapp Brannigan and Bender Bending Rodriguez

With a little tweaking any of these quotes could be shoehorned into your next awkward situation, be it business meeting, first date, intervention or distant relative’s funeral.

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Could you ask that a little more... sexfully?

Zapp Brannigan

  • Oh, god. I’ve never been so happy to be beat up by a woman.
  • In the game of intergalactic chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
  • Come back when it’s a catastrophe.
  • If we hit that bulls-eye rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
  • My strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it.
  • When I’m in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
  • I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan. At your service.
  • You know, I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.
  • If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
  • I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
  • We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
  • Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don’t have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.
  • Same speed ahead!
  • Ladies, you’re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again and again.
  • Hell of a thing sending another universe to certain doom. Lots of fun, though. Makes a man feel big.
  • The quickest way to a girl’s bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.
  • I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about.
  • Teenagers all smoke, and they seem pretty on the ball.
  • You win again, gravity!
  • Call me cocky, but if there’s an alien out there I can’t kill I haven’t met him and killed him yet.
  • Stop exploding you cowards!
  • What makes a man turn neutral… Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
  • Perhaps I could paint the fence, or service you sexually? Or mop the floors.
  • Let me ask you a serious question: Does the company that made your bra make a girdle as well? I ask because a friend of mine…
  • Fly the white flag of war!

I am Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

I am Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!


  • Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The x makes it sound cool.
  • Grab a shovel. I’m one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
  • I’m so embarrassed. I wish everyone else was dead.
  • Your best is an idiot!
  • So long, losers, whom I’ve always hated.
  • Compare your lives to mine, then kill yourselves.
  • I hate the people who love me, and they hate me!
  • Hey! Do I preach at you while you’re lying stoned in the gutter?
  • Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!
  • Of all the friends I’ve had… you’re the first.
  • Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.”
  • This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!
  • I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.
  • Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them
  • Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.
  • I’m sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
  • I never meant to hurt anyone… or help anyone.
  • Hey, I don’t tell you how to tell me what to do, so don’t tell me how to do what you tell me to do
  • Humans are dumb and they die easy.
  • I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.
  • Prepare for a surprise attack.
  • It’s not all about money; although I would like much much more.
  • Oh. Your. God.
  • My life, and by extension everyone else’s is meaningless.
  • They’re not very heavy, but you don’t hear me not complaining.
  • I could pound your head ’til you thinks that’s what happened.
  • Would you kindly shut your noise-hole?
  • Now you know why I used the qualifier “practically.”
  • C’mon, it’s just like making love! Y’know… Left, down… Rotate 62 degrees… Engage rotor…
  • You’re the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn’t wanna see the sexeteria!
  • It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes… which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
  • Friends? That activates my hilarity unit! I’m just a machine to you. You’re no more friends of me than you are with the toaster or the phonograph or the electric chair!
  • There was nothing wrong with that food! The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
  • Fleeing somewhere?
  • Wonderful! Then you’ll all come to my exceedingly long, unair-conditioned baptism ceremony!
  • There! This’ll teach those filthy bastards who’s lovable.
  • Ah, nothing like a warm fire and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.
  • Stupid anti-pimping laws!
  • Now my usual fee is 500 bucks. But seeing how it’s you, I’ll need it in advance.
  • I meant ass whiplash.
  • Call me old fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.
  • Today, I’ve personalized each of your meals. For example, Amy, you’re cute. So I’ve baked you a pony.
  • Wow, your kid is great. How hard you say you had to hit him?



  1. Normally I askew such drivel, but being that we barely know each other, I will let it pass this time. Even though it pains me to admit it, some of these were rather amusing. You are not off the hook yet CLT!!

    • Harmony –

      Of course it’s drivel, you mouthy broad. I’m a blogger.

      If you start “askewing” drivel (as you so elegantly misspoke), you’ll reach the end of the internet in 7-10 minutes.

  2. Harmony’s acidic comments aside, (damn you Harmony!)
    I will merrily confess to being a serious Zapp Brannigan fan.

    • The Zapper is truly one of the greatest characters in animated history:

      (not so appropriate for everyday conversation):
      Z: I suffer from a very sexy learning disorder. What do I call it, Kif?
      K: *sigh* Sexlexia.

      Z: Brannigan’s love is like Brannigan’s law: hard and fast.

      And one I forgot to add:
      “I’d like to impose a toast.”

  3. Extra bonus quotes with the comment thread!

    Love it.

  4. Brannigan is a star.

    The episode with the amazonians and “death by snoo snoo” saw him at his best.

    To be honest, the whole damn thing is sheer class. Whoever invented Zoidberg should be knighted.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Nobbly.

      Truly a classic episode. More bonus quotes:

      Zapp: She’s built like a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro.

      Recording: The number you are calling has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.

  5. Super post, Need to mark it on Digg

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: