The Evolution of a Schoolyard Myth

April 25, 2009
Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

Oops. Looks like someone forgot their gun!

A brief look at the development of schoolyard mythology, your child’s greatest and most trusted source of disinformation.

Let’s say that Thom (Kid A) has awakened late at night in search of a refreshing drink of water. As he approaches his parents’ bedroom, he hears unusual noises and decides to quietly enter rather than throw the door open wide and launch himself across the room.

To Thom’s young mind, there is a dark and mysterious battle being waged in his parents’ bed. And Dad winning. Or at least he was, but Mom seems to have the upper hand now! Either way, Thom is faced with many unsavory choices, none of which will spare him from awkward looks and forced conservation from his parents in the days to come.

Perhaps his parents will have a brief “bird-and-bees” chat with him for the five minutes they see him each morning. This will undoubtedly raise more questions than answers, and will most likely be handled with all the skill and grace of a move from the window seat to the aisle in the coach section.

“Thom… when a mommy and daddy, after 13 years of marriage, can tolerate each other…” There may be some consolation and the promise that everyone involved is okay, if just a little hungover.

Thom will now take this information to the school. From here, he may run into Charles (Kid B) and give him a rundown of his last twelve hours. Charles may be able to add or subtract from this equation, mainly based on a.) the number of older siblings he has or b.) the number of premium movie channels he has.

The combined knowledge (A+/-B) will be taken to a relative expert, the twice-pregnant sixth grader who is now enjoying the benefits of the state’s “Two Strikes and You’re Tied” program. Tracey (Kid C-mother of Kid C2 & C3) will begin to fill out the picture.

This occurs countless times over the next several days. Depending on the noises and gestures made during Thom’s recounting of this event, there may be additional conversations from his parents, teachers and the principal to factor in.

All involved may feel it is best left to the school’s health class to straighten Thom out. However, due to religious interference, the greatly emasculated “Sex Ed” will be unable to meet the challenge, and will most likely follow this route:

“Sex. Don’t do it. If you feel you might be doing it, please stop and speak to an adult. If you are with an adult while this is happening, please stop and speak to a policeman.”

This load of information will unravel and reknit itself several times. The adults will be unwilling to add anything useful to this and the children will let their imaginations run free.

A couple of weeks down the road, the teachers will be shocked to find the schoolchildren disappearing behind the outer buildings to rub daisies on each other as a test of their love for butter.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

[By the way, the rubbing a daisy on a person’s arm to see if they like butter has its roots in the ancient tradition of some Amazonian tribes. However, their test for food reactions/allergies involved using the adrenal glands of a river eel, which had to be removed while the fish was still alive!]



  1. One of the few things less informative than the awkward “caught in the act”conversation, is a shorter conversation followed by, “Here, read this” and then having a book shoved at you.
    Upon reading the book, you find that sex sounds like a most unpleasant endeavor and, apparently, is for making babies…The unpleasantness and poor illustrations that leave you a bit fuzzy on what actually happens seem like good reasons not to do it at the time.

    My parents are lucky that I’m so good at educating myself.

    • Yeah, nothing like sex ed from the p.o.v. of “God.”

      Sex: it’s for making babies. If you’re not pregnant, you’re doing it wrong and should stop immediately.

  2. “Two strikes and you’re tied”

    I’m using that in my next “Sex Education for Geriatrics” lecture

  3. I firmly believe that all teenage fucking should be done in the strict missionary position, thank you very much.

    • I second it.
      Eventually, they’ll be too bored to reproduce, or their attention spans, at least, will be too short to finish the task at hand.

      It’ll be like, “Fuck this! I’m gonna go check my MySpace.”

      Plus an all-missionary-all-the-time plan will cut down on fucking between people who really don’t want to see each other’s faces.

    • Plus, it will help with identification process when someone wants to start pressing statuatory rape charges.

  4. That’s a win, win, win…I do believe.

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