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Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v2

April 24, 2009
Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

[The following feature with Rob Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice has been edited for length and clarity.]

Word, dawgs. Vanilla Ice back again, dropping some music science all over your blogging asses. Heavy shit, yo.

Hope this internet shit starts taking off, yo. Shit is tight for the V-Dog. Rent-A-Center says they coming for my kick-ass living room set in about a week if I can’t pull some green out of my ass. Fuck em. They can have the shit. Good luck getting some of those stains out. I tried fucking everything. But the cushions is flipped so you can’t hardly tell.

But I ain’t dwelling on that shit. Got some gigs in the pipeline. My bro Todd’s nephew’s bar mitzvah’s coming up. And I’m still on the short list for the Westeria Mall opening. But that’s a tough gig to get. Both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson is signed up and those mall people always want to bring in the chick crowd.

Fuck, dawg, I’m all about the ladies. I’m still in my prime. I put on a little weight but you can’t hardly tell. Still toned like I was in that “Sex” book. Still trying to tan twice a week, but it’s tough. Denny’s says if I miss another day, I’m out of a job. Fuck em. I’m running my ass of there 24 hours a week. Who the fuck has that kind of spare time? Seriously. I should bust some ninja shit on them. Go Turtle go! Go Ninja go! Ninja something… turtles in the house… turtles… ninja… ninja go.. bust it up…

[ed. – At this point, Ice begins to sob quietly. Then, embarrassingly, much louder. Ice alternates between broken “Ninja Rap” lyrics, cursing at me and telling me to “get the fuck out, bitch,” apologizing to me, and seeing if I “got a spare $20 until next week.” Rob mixes himself a couple of Cosmos, slams them and disappears into the bathroom. He reappears about 10 minutes later, somewhat more composed.]

Anyway. You heard about this shit? Somebody’s making a hip hop documentary. That bitch from 3rd Bass called up just to tell me he got interviewed. Pussy-ass bitch. Fucking talking head. 3rd Bass was never no “cultural phenomenon.” That’s straight out of US Magazine. You could look it up. He can talk it up, but he wasn’t tapping that fine Madonna ass back in the day. That was all V-Dog, going deep. Fuck yeah, bro! You know what I’m saying!

[ed. – Rob gestures for a “high five.” I comply and catch him on the rebound. He then asks to borrow my cellphone telephone, as his “Trac-phone got all the minutes used up. Long distance is supposed to be free so how come all them 900 numbers cost so fucking much?”]

Hey, mom. It’s Rob.
Yeah. Yeah. Things is alright. Got some gigs lined up.
You know anybody at the Westeria Mall?
I don’t know. I just thought all you grownups knew other people. I mean, you’d shop there, right?
Anyway, I gots some stuff lined up but it ain’t all in place yet. I was wondering if I could borrow like $500 or so until the end of this month.
Mom. Mom! Stop yelling.
Mom! They’re gonna take my fuckin furniture! What am I supposed to do?
Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to swear. Sorry.
I did ask Dad.
He said, “I’m changing my locks and my phone number.”
For reals.
He also said, “If there are any parents more ashamed of their offspring, it could only be Mr. and Mrs. Federline.”
Mom. Mom. It’s not that funny.
Anyways…
Could you help me out? Maybe just a couple of hundred?
By the end of this month. Early next month at the latest.
Thanks. I’ll have it back soon. For reals. Bye, Mom.

Awesome. Now I can get properly weeded, dawg. But that’s for later. What are we hearing today?

Wire – Three Girl Rhumba.mp3

Wow. That went by fast. These dudes are from Britain. Holy shit, look at the size of that Wikipedia disambiguation page. I’m gonna need to tighten up before I do any more research. Keep that brain lubricated.

[ed. – I do a couple of shots of Apple Pucker with the “V-Dog”.]

It’s the research, dog. It’s what puts me ahead of that pussy Everlast. That and my ninja turtle shit. Go ninja go!

Elastica – Connection.mp3

Sheeit. An all-chick band? I thought that was just in the cartoons. Well, I guess Courtney Love had the Hole thing. She look like she’d be a freak in the sack, know what I’m sayin? But, she probably, like, want to pee on you or some other weird bullshit. Oh well, takes all kinds.

Verdict: These songs are like when two chicks show up at the party wearing the same thing and one of them runs out crying and the other chick who stayed at the party sleeps with the crying chick’s boyfriend.

I say sue. Fuck em.

Thanks for popping in. Now I gots to go see my man about a plant. V-Dog out.

Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v1

-CLT

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8 comments

  1. Apologies on the mp3 links. Mediafire seems to be crashed at the moment. I’ll try to have them up later today.


  2. If you’re getting booted, save some room for me. I owned that album twice. Bought it, got tired of it, sold it, saw it on the rack a year-and-a-half down the road, said to myself “That’s a pretty good album. I wonder why I sold it,” and purchased it again.


  3. mp3 links are linked.


  4. vanilla ice was an original, everybody liked him, like him or will like him


    • Absolutely. He’s definitely a legend, mostly contained in his own mind.


  5. I will like him, too…

    “Thanks God made Vanilla Ice!”


    • HAHAHA!!! Fernando!!! And Ice!!! Thanks God made baby!!! And Ice!!!

      I like to refer to my preferences in the future tense as well. It’s the way I will be writing.


    • Ha!

      I will be looking forward to reading!



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