Archive for April 24th, 2009

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Oh, That Jason!

April 24, 2009

fifties105

Developed by the fledgling Fox network in the early 1950’s, Oh That Jason!was the anchor of their Saturday night lineup (“You Can’t Un-Watch It!”) from 1953-55. Hailed by critics as “horrifying,” “reprehensible” and “relentlessly depraved,” Oh That Jason!has nonetheless gained a small cult following among the readers of Alan Truitt’s depressingly funny blog, Sick Days.

Below are some highlights of Oh That Jason’s three season run:

Debut Episode
We meet Jason’s family (wife Mary, son John and daughter Amy) as well as being introduced to their farming neighbors, Willie, Ethel and their son, Jed. With Willie away on business, Ethel takes over the “man’s work.” Hilarity ensues as Ethel realizes she is over her head and loses an arm to the combine.

Episode 8
Jason’s wife tries to organize a community garden but is incarcerated by the local police following a tip from a visiting Joseph McCarthy. Meanwhile, John puts into practice some valuable lessons gleaned from his literature assignment, Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.” Hilarity ensues. Special Guest: Joseph McCarthy as himself, delivering a speech on the dangers of mutual effort.

Episode 12
Jason takes a business trip to Las Vegas, where some associates talk him into visiting a burlesque house. Jason is in the clear until he runs into his wife’s sister Emma, a burlesque performer. After a long night “out with the boys,” Jason finds himself racing to the airport to make his plane. Will he remember that Emma’s body is still in the rental car trunk? Hilarity ensues.

Episode 16
Jason’s neighborhood association greets the newest addition to their suburb, a Negro family from Alabama. They waste no time welcoming them by constructing them their own set of bathrooms, a seat on the bus and their very own table near the rear of the local eatery! Unfortunately, their new neighbors soon return to Alabama after discovering they possess the most flammable lawn on the block.

Episode 23
When their neighbors are suddenly called away for a family emergency, Jason and his family offer to watch their new infant until they return. Hilarity ensues as the child proves to be a handful. Jason’s wife discovers that a car ride seems to calm the baby and Jason makes the best of the situation by organizing a late night road trip to Safe Haven, Nebraska. Special guest: Gilbert Gottfried as the Colicky Baby.

Episode 26
In a crossover with Leave It to Beaver, Jason’s son John becomes fed up with Wally’s conniving, two-faced shit and beats him to death in the basement. Hilarity ensues as the family comes together to cover up the hideous crime.

Episode 32
In this very special Christmas episode, daughter Amy volunteers at the local soup kitchen. She overhears some of the patrons speaking about “riding a white horse.” She trails them to the “wrong side of the tracks,” where she learns a little drug slang and a lot about life. As the police sweep in to deliver a savage beating to the strung-out addicts, Amy breathes a sigh of relief and vows never to help anyone again.

Episode 37
Returning from a business trip to Mexico, Jason agrees to help out a kindly stranger by carrying his bag through customs. Unfortunately, the bag is full of marijuana and Jason is detained by the local police. Hilarity ensues as the situation is sorted out. Jason finally returns home to his wife, telling her, “There are no hard feelings. The police were just doing their job. And, as usual, they did it half-assed.” Jason and Mary enjoy this delicious pun as he points to the baggies of black-tar heroin floating in the toilet. Special guest: Charlton Heston as Detective Edward Mendoza. 

Episode 44
Summer has arrived and Jason takes his family on vacation to a log cabin in the woods. While reading some selections from a leather-bound set of Good Housekeeping magazines, Jason inadvertently awakens an evil deep within the forest. Hilarity ensues as the family fights off evil trees, reanimated corpses and Jason’s own hand, which has gone evil.

Episode 51
In this season finale turned series finale, Jason’s son John has a “Who’s on First” type conversation with his coach while trying to explain how exactly he “plays for the other team.” Hilarity ensues.

-CLT

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Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v2

April 24, 2009
Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

Ice displays his "Shocker" prototype.

[The following feature with Rob Van Winkle, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice has been edited for length and clarity.]

Word, dawgs. Vanilla Ice back again, dropping some music science all over your blogging asses. Heavy shit, yo.

Hope this internet shit starts taking off, yo. Shit is tight for the V-Dog. Rent-A-Center says they coming for my kick-ass living room set in about a week if I can’t pull some green out of my ass. Fuck em. They can have the shit. Good luck getting some of those stains out. I tried fucking everything. But the cushions is flipped so you can’t hardly tell.

But I ain’t dwelling on that shit. Got some gigs in the pipeline. My bro Todd’s nephew’s bar mitzvah’s coming up. And I’m still on the short list for the Westeria Mall opening. But that’s a tough gig to get. Both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson is signed up and those mall people always want to bring in the chick crowd.

Fuck, dawg, I’m all about the ladies. I’m still in my prime. I put on a little weight but you can’t hardly tell. Still toned like I was in that “Sex” book. Still trying to tan twice a week, but it’s tough. Denny’s says if I miss another day, I’m out of a job. Fuck em. I’m running my ass of there 24 hours a week. Who the fuck has that kind of spare time? Seriously. I should bust some ninja shit on them. Go Turtle go! Go Ninja go! Ninja something… turtles in the house… turtles… ninja… ninja go.. bust it up…

[ed. – At this point, Ice begins to sob quietly. Then, embarrassingly, much louder. Ice alternates between broken “Ninja Rap” lyrics, cursing at me and telling me to “get the fuck out, bitch,” apologizing to me, and seeing if I “got a spare $20 until next week.” Rob mixes himself a couple of Cosmos, slams them and disappears into the bathroom. He reappears about 10 minutes later, somewhat more composed.]

Anyway. You heard about this shit? Somebody’s making a hip hop documentary. That bitch from 3rd Bass called up just to tell me he got interviewed. Pussy-ass bitch. Fucking talking head. 3rd Bass was never no “cultural phenomenon.” That’s straight out of US Magazine. You could look it up. He can talk it up, but he wasn’t tapping that fine Madonna ass back in the day. That was all V-Dog, going deep. Fuck yeah, bro! You know what I’m saying!

[ed. – Rob gestures for a “high five.” I comply and catch him on the rebound. He then asks to borrow my cellphone telephone, as his “Trac-phone got all the minutes used up. Long distance is supposed to be free so how come all them 900 numbers cost so fucking much?”]

Hey, mom. It’s Rob.
Yeah. Yeah. Things is alright. Got some gigs lined up.
You know anybody at the Westeria Mall?
I don’t know. I just thought all you grownups knew other people. I mean, you’d shop there, right?
Anyway, I gots some stuff lined up but it ain’t all in place yet. I was wondering if I could borrow like $500 or so until the end of this month.
Mom. Mom! Stop yelling.
Mom! They’re gonna take my fuckin furniture! What am I supposed to do?
Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to swear. Sorry.
I did ask Dad.
He said, “I’m changing my locks and my phone number.”
For reals.
He also said, “If there are any parents more ashamed of their offspring, it could only be Mr. and Mrs. Federline.”
Mom. Mom. It’s not that funny.
Anyways…
Could you help me out? Maybe just a couple of hundred?
By the end of this month. Early next month at the latest.
Thanks. I’ll have it back soon. For reals. Bye, Mom.

Awesome. Now I can get properly weeded, dawg. But that’s for later. What are we hearing today?

Wire – Three Girl Rhumba.mp3

Wow. That went by fast. These dudes are from Britain. Holy shit, look at the size of that Wikipedia disambiguation page. I’m gonna need to tighten up before I do any more research. Keep that brain lubricated.

[ed. – I do a couple of shots of Apple Pucker with the “V-Dog”.]

It’s the research, dog. It’s what puts me ahead of that pussy Everlast. That and my ninja turtle shit. Go ninja go!

Elastica – Connection.mp3

Sheeit. An all-chick band? I thought that was just in the cartoons. Well, I guess Courtney Love had the Hole thing. She look like she’d be a freak in the sack, know what I’m sayin? But, she probably, like, want to pee on you or some other weird bullshit. Oh well, takes all kinds.

Verdict: These songs are like when two chicks show up at the party wearing the same thing and one of them runs out crying and the other chick who stayed at the party sleeps with the crying chick’s boyfriend.

I say sue. Fuck em.

Thanks for popping in. Now I gots to go see my man about a plant. V-Dog out.

Vanilla Ice Presents Compare/Contrast/Sue v1

-CLT