Archive for April 15th, 2009

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Mysteries of the Deep

April 15, 2009

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Mediterranean Hellfish
Although rarely seen in the U.S., the Hellfish can be raised as a housepet. Due to its sensitivity to light, the Hellfish must be raised in the dark or lit only with a UV lamp. Its diet consists of smaller, more translucent fish and the tears of the damned.

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South Atlantic Drifter
Some recent studies have shown the Drifter to be an extremely well-traveled fish, as its speculated migratory pattern is believed to follow this pattern:

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Most of the scientific community, however, believes this to be “horseshit,” citing the large amount of land covered.

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North Atlantic Lutefisk
Revered by the Norwegians for its oily texture and rotting flesh, the Lutefisk has been fished to near-extinction. Rogue trawlers still roam the North Atlantic for the ultra-rare fish as it can go for nearly $700/troy oz. on the black market. The often futile Lutefisk fishing trips coined the popular Norwegian phrase, “Nothing but net.”

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North American Nickelback
A bland, but strangely popular whitefish, offering no distinctive features or flavor. Used as a food source for many cooks, the Nickelback has earned the derision of more discerning chefs around the world. Anthony Bourdain has stated, “I’d rather strangle myself with my own intestines than have anything to do with Nickelback.”

Nickelback is usually one of the featured dishes at KROQ’s annual Dane Cook and Sausagefest, the summer high point of Southern Californian frat boys and mooks.

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North American Quadfish
Known by many different names (phish, ghoti, jesus fish, darwin fish), the Quadfish has become popular with ironic t-shirt wearing students, aging hippies and in the case of the “jesus fish” variety, aging Republicans.

-CLT

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