And I Looked Back and Saw One Set of Footprints…

April 4, 2009

Another Scott Stapp photo shoot.

Although Jesus has promised to save your eternal soul and at some point, destroy the world to save it from itself, it has been freely acknowledged by many theologians (i.e., “buried somewhere at the back of my thesis”) that there are some things even beyond the reach (or interest) of the Almighty.

The U.S. Economy
The free market, considered by many leftists to be the Antichrist, has undergone a Dr. Moreau-esque transformation (thanks to a meddling government) into a stunted, retarded monkey-like shadow of its former self. Although a very Christ-like figure has been elected president, to date he has shown that he is more beholden to large financial groups and various unions (UAW, Teachers’) than he is to the many voters he promised the world to.

Jesus says: Revelations 14:3 – Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.

Ferris Bueller, considered briefly to be the Antichrist, due to his popularity, boyish good looks and lack of respect for authority figures, is not actually dying or in need of a kidney transplant. At most he just needs a brief ass-kicking or a stern talking-to. And the less said about the unfortunate damage to the reputation of esteemed sausagier Abe Frohman, the better.

Jesus says: Rev. 31:16 – It’s been a long time since anyone referred to the “comedic genius of John Hughes”.

Money on Your Long Distance
Long considered to be the Antichrist by pretty much everyone, telecom companies failed to react to the public’s desire to have small, portable, feature-laden phones that has no long-distance charges whatsoever. These lumbering dinosaurs are now relegated to sniping at each other with “exciting” offers and dinnertime sales calls to the 50 or so Americans who have failed to register themselves on the Do Not Call list.

Jesus says: Rev. 4:21 – You mean this phone only works inside my house? In 2009? GTFO!

Michael Vick’s Career
Briefly considered by some to be the saviour of the ailing Falcons franchise (and thus a false saviour, so an Antichrist), Vick wowed fans with his mobility, open field speed and lifetime quarterback rating of 75.7. Opponents soon learned that if they could keep him contained, he was unable to perform basic quarterbacking skills (see also: Tavaris Jackson). Unable to find his groove on the field, Vick soon returned to his true passion: raising dogs to fight and kill each other. Currently awaiting reinstatement, Vick has already received offers from the Dallas Cowboys and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Jesus says: Rev. 16:12 – Man, look at the arm on that halfback!

the Universal Music Group
Long considered to be the Antichrist by the music purchasing public, the largest music pusher in the world has been damaged by P2P, direct music sales, iTunes and multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. One positive step: extorting $1 from Microsoft for every Zune sold (although this may have backfired due to the “iPod killer” being about as popular as sliced AIDS.) This has forced the aging behemoth to make some cuts in executive perks including a 40% reduction in the “Hookers and Blow” fund.

Jesus says: Rev. 23:19 – Unfortunately, I am unable to say anything regarding this due to my pending lawsuit for downloading “Happy Birthday”.

Print Media
Long considered by conservatives to be the Antichrist due to their unapologetic hard left “reporting,” their reputation seems to have softened as some have righted their stances and veered back to a more central reporting style while others have overcorrected and gone far right (Washington Post, anything Fox News related [not really print media, but I’m making a point]). Their collective failure to understand that the public would probably like to receive their news more than once a day and from more than one source has caused them to collapse under the weight of their journalism degrees. They have responded to this crisis by asking for bailouts, accusing the public of being stupid and hastily erecting paywalls.

Jesus says: Rev. 34:7 – And if that’s not enough, they turn my fingers black.



  1. My good friend, Ram told me to check you guys out. He said this blog was very funny and smart. Good ol’ Ram has never steered me wrong yet…

    Great stuff!

  2. Dang, I hate when I see a post I want to respond to, then realize it’s a week old.

    Ahh well. Respond I will anyway.

    I don’t get this, re the press: “Their collective failure to understand that the public would probably like to receive their news more than once a day and from more than one source …”

    In what way do they fail to understand this, exactly? Newspapers have been online for ages, and most do continuous updating. It was years ago when I first read about newspaper publishers considering themselves to be “web-first” news outlets. In fact, I’m confident that the vast majority of news we get online is generated by newspaper organizations.

    I suppose this should also be considered a response to the commenter who wrote: “… if your business’ delivery method remains mostly unchanged from the time of Gutenberg, and things start to go belly up, how the hell isn’t the question, ‘Why did it take this long?'”

    Again: Huh? I’ve been reading newspapers on the web since I first got online, back in the mid-’90s. The problem for newspapers isn’t that they never changed delivery methods — the problem is that they DID. Advertising revenue on the web is a pittance compared to print.

    I’ll never understand why this situation confuses so many people, including some smart people, as those at this blog appear to be. Newspapers have done everything your typical tech-head would have wanted: they embraced the Internet very early, they’ve distributed their content for free — almost entirely without any restrictions or DRM — they’ve been lax about copyright enforcement, they’ve spent years testing all sorts of “business models,” etc.

    And yet not only are they struggling anyway, they get scorned for supposedly being behind the times or slow to act?

    That’s just bizarre to me.

    • Howdy –

      It seems to me that your defense of the newspapers falls along those who might get in a huff because the media focuses on the one captain who drunkenly ran a oil tanker aground while millions of gallons arrive safely everyday.

      Sure, it’s a very small ratio of fuckups but that’s all anyone’s going to pay attention to. And we wouldn’t if they didn’t spend so much time and energy calling attention to themselves.

      And it’s not just being behind the times, it’s the reactions: sue and criticize the internet users who could possibly help them build a successful online community.

      AP wants per word payouts. Maureen Dowd (and a host of others) wants to hold Google responsible for everything. Degree-holding journalists claim that only degree-holders can do proper investigative journalism. And so on.

      And I imagine He cries a little on the inside when people rush to the newspapers’ defense while my casual Jesus-bashing goes ignored.

  3. […] DMCA takedown notice, which oddly enough left the music selections unscathed. However, it did rob this post of a fine photo of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and its attendant Scott Stapp bashing. […]

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