Archive for April 4th, 2009


And I Looked Back and Saw One Set of Footprints…

April 4, 2009

Another Scott Stapp photo shoot.

Although Jesus has promised to save your eternal soul and at some point, destroy the world to save it from itself, it has been freely acknowledged by many theologians (i.e., “buried somewhere at the back of my thesis”) that there are some things even beyond the reach (or interest) of the Almighty.

The U.S. Economy
The free market, considered by many leftists to be the Antichrist, has undergone a Dr. Moreau-esque transformation (thanks to a meddling government) into a stunted, retarded monkey-like shadow of its former self. Although a very Christ-like figure has been elected president, to date he has shown that he is more beholden to large financial groups and various unions (UAW, Teachers’) than he is to the many voters he promised the world to.

Jesus says: Revelations 14:3 – Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.

Ferris Bueller, considered briefly to be the Antichrist, due to his popularity, boyish good looks and lack of respect for authority figures, is not actually dying or in need of a kidney transplant. At most he just needs a brief ass-kicking or a stern talking-to. And the less said about the unfortunate damage to the reputation of esteemed sausagier Abe Frohman, the better.

Jesus says: Rev. 31:16 – It’s been a long time since anyone referred to the “comedic genius of John Hughes”.

Money on Your Long Distance
Long considered to be the Antichrist by pretty much everyone, telecom companies failed to react to the public’s desire to have small, portable, feature-laden phones that has no long-distance charges whatsoever. These lumbering dinosaurs are now relegated to sniping at each other with “exciting” offers and dinnertime sales calls to the 50 or so Americans who have failed to register themselves on the Do Not Call list.

Jesus says: Rev. 4:21 – You mean this phone only works inside my house? In 2009? GTFO!

Michael Vick’s Career
Briefly considered by some to be the saviour of the ailing Falcons franchise (and thus a false saviour, so an Antichrist), Vick wowed fans with his mobility, open field speed and lifetime quarterback rating of 75.7. Opponents soon learned that if they could keep him contained, he was unable to perform basic quarterbacking skills (see also: Tavaris Jackson). Unable to find his groove on the field, Vick soon returned to his true passion: raising dogs to fight and kill each other. Currently awaiting reinstatement, Vick has already received offers from the Dallas Cowboys and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Jesus says: Rev. 16:12 – Man, look at the arm on that halfback!

the Universal Music Group
Long considered to be the Antichrist by the music purchasing public, the largest music pusher in the world has been damaged by P2P, direct music sales, iTunes and multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. One positive step: extorting $1 from Microsoft for every Zune sold (although this may have backfired due to the “iPod killer” being about as popular as sliced AIDS.) This has forced the aging behemoth to make some cuts in executive perks including a 40% reduction in the “Hookers and Blow” fund.

Jesus says: Rev. 23:19 – Unfortunately, I am unable to say anything regarding this due to my pending lawsuit for downloading “Happy Birthday”.

Print Media
Long considered by conservatives to be the Antichrist due to their unapologetic hard left “reporting,” their reputation seems to have softened as some have righted their stances and veered back to a more central reporting style while others have overcorrected and gone far right (Washington Post, anything Fox News related [not really print media, but I’m making a point]). Their collective failure to understand that the public would probably like to receive their news more than once a day and from more than one source has caused them to collapse under the weight of their journalism degrees. They have responded to this crisis by asking for bailouts, accusing the public of being stupid and hastily erecting paywalls.

Jesus says: Rev. 34:7 – And if that’s not enough, they turn my fingers black.