Creation: The Real Story

March 24, 2009
God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

Before the flamewars start, we’re not here to debate evolution vs. creation. We’re not discussing whether this happened, but rather whether it is recorded correctly in the Word of God (as written by Man). This translation issue (as a God/Man dictionary was unavailable) was further compounded by the obsolete vernacular in which it was written.

The world was not created in seven days.

Seven is a nice, magical number used by a variety of religions as a “holy” or “good” number. Some creative license was taken here to shoehorn the actual length into something inspiring that looks good on a felt board.

The universe was actually created in seven business days. Its creation actually coincided with a long holiday weekend which gave God closer to ten days to get the job done. God actually rested from Friday to Monday, strolling in around 10 am to get the job done by Wednesday. This was tightened up by early scholars to seven days so that Sunday (and occasionally, Saturday) could be taken off for religious reasons, particularly during the football season.

Earth’s original placement was farther from the sun.

During God’s test run of the solar system, Earth was much closer to Mars. The additional distance from the Sun (originally planned to rotate around Earth before catastrophic initial testing) caused what was retroactively referred to as the “Ice Age” and wiped out the dinosaurs. God checked in to find most of his original occupants dead (bummer) and was recorded as saying, “Jesus, it’s cold.” Adjustments were made.

Alien races were created before man.

Most alien races preceded man and were used to beta test Earth during the critical adjustment period. Among the comments left by testers of Earth v. 0.1.1.b:

1. Where all the white women at?
2. Jesus, it’s cold.
3. Clipping issues.
4. Nowhere to insert probes.
5. Sniper needs to be nerfed.
6. Will there be a map creator in the final version?

The Bermuda Triangle is a glitch.

A miscalculation of the circumference and surface area of the earth caused this area to be stretched and quickly stitched together (at great expense). The name was changed from “God’s Folly” to “Devil’s Triangle” to defer blame to Satan, who was hastily created, briefly adored and unceremoniously kicked out.

The creation process was one of many plans for earth’s startup.

God considered many other business models before adopting his pet strategy as the Universe’s original micromanager. Other plans included:

1. Turtles all the way down.
2. A series of inhabited flat discs.
3. Evolution.
4. One of every species with a universal penis adaptor for variety.
5. Some sort of huge explosion.
6. The “Deep South” plan comprising of years of inbreeding.
7. Half-sharkalligator, half-man race
8. All apologists, all the time.
9. Noah to helm franchise reboot after Joel Schumacher’s disastrous run.

As is usual with creation discussions, more questions have been raised than answers. Feel free to consult your local religious radio station for some pamphlets or talk to the many unattractive and angry protesters outside your local abortion clinic for more information.



  1. Makes me proud that we’re related.
    I know that probably sounds facetious in print.
    But I mean it.

  2. I’m proud that were related as well. We are all God’s creatures after all.

    Have to say CLT, a really really excellent post. You nailed it. Well done.

  3. Thank you for the kind comments, but all praise for inspiration has to go to the Big Man himself: Albert Haynesworth.

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