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My 2nd-to-Last Will and Testament

March 22, 2009
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CLT's funeral. Not pictured: friends, family.

In the unlikely event that I should die, the executors of the Capitalist Lion Tamer estate have been instructed to use as many of the following phrases during contruction of my full-page (minimum) obituary. Feel free to suggest others as I continue to taunt fate and whatever by restating that I am definitely not planning on dying anytime soon.

Jobs/Hobbies/Accomplishments

– “puppet wrangler”
– “harpsichord enthusiast”
– “fearless disregard of GAAP”
– “superstar DJ”
– “inventor of the Sex-Mo-Tron”
-“known phlebotomist”
– “…blatantly homoerotic action films”
– “…abuse of line-item vetoes”
– “…army of mutated, rabid house pets”
– “treasured music archivist”
– “robber baron”
– “foremost expert on tooth decay”
– “…massive collection of recalled foods”
– “Public Enemy hype man”
– “alleged father of octuplets”
– “…multiple public indecency arrests”

Survived by:

– “his wife of 200 years”
– “the entire population of the world”
– “known mob associates”
– “his massive, but pointless, mp3 collection”
– “his archnemesis: Top 40 radio”
– “suspected homosexual Kenny Chesney”
– “the Notorious B.I.G.”
– “millions of grieving fans”
– “his mutated, rabid ‘petting zoo'”
– “a massive collection of obsolete drug paraphenalia”
– “his bloated ego”
– “bastard octuplets”

Possible Causes of Death

– “accidental discharge during weekly justin.tv broadcast: ‘Gun Safety and You'”
– “complications due to smoke inhalation, third degree burns after discovering that only HE could prevent forest fires”
– “crushed under weight of own genius; rapid pet elephant”
– “careless miscalculation during Sex-Mo-Tron stress testing”
– “extraterrestrial encounter with Killer Klowns”
– “actual cause of death unknown; possible Keyser Soze-related”
– “life taken by IRS agents in exchange for $1.2 million in back taxes”
– “ELF firebombing”
– “shootout with pre-cog strike team”

Various Funeral/Wake Instructions

– “body available for viewing at random locations sent via GPS”
– “body to be cremated before donation to Johns Hopkins University with instructions to ‘Fix THAT, brainiac!'”
– “those attending with small children are asked to sit near the back, or preferably, at home”
– “bar opens at 4 pm; drunken, violents arguments to begin at 7 pm”
– “passive-agressive reading of will at 8 am following day”
– “Among the musical selections to be played at the wake: Aer Obama by Daft Punk, selections from Now Music vols. 16, 17 and 21, the Melvin’s first three albums in entirety. Rob Van Winkle will perform Turtle Rap to close out the night.”
– “Mob associates will provide a pre-funeral ‘shakedown’ session. Bring cash.”
– “Attendees are encouraged to be measured for a coffin in foyer by ghoulish funeral home employee wearing sleeve garters an a bowler.”
– “Applause to be held until the end of the scheduled service. Sarcastic applause to be held indefinitely.”
– “Those in attendance who have confused ‘epitath’ with ‘epithet’ will be presented with complimentary ‘Fucking Asshole’ tombstone, dictionary…”
– “Likewise, those confusing ‘incentive’ with ‘invective’ will be presented with Hooked on Phonics Vol. 1, union representative position.”
– “Attendees’ narcolepsy claims will be investigated and punished.”

-CLT

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4 comments

  1. I would nominate you for a Darwin award if you were to die, except you’ve already reproduced.

    Which is actually a good thing, since most of the world is filled with imbeciles. Nice to know my kids could have some intelligent cohorts.


    • I’ll do whatever it takes to earn that Darwin award. Shootout with myself, get onto a celebrity’s privately-owned plane, anything…


  2. The world needs more homoerotic action film star
    puppet wranglers!

    I remain continually slayed!


    • Continually Slayed,

      While your family should know about your lifestyle choices and saucy puppet shows, it is always your decision as to when to tell them.

      Perhaps a coming-out party is in order. Here’s a recipe for a great appetizer that goes well with crushing moments of awkwardness and painful rejection.

      RR

      (Recipe not included. Please send $5.99 to Rachel Ray’s Party Guide, Winnetka, NY 01579. Please reference recipe #45003 “Pervert Party Mix”.)



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