CLT’s Hand-Cranked Quote Machine v.4

"Graceful Exit"

This should be the final quotes post. For now. If you would like a transcript of these posts, please send $29.95 (American or Zimbabwean currency only, please) to:

Capitalist Lion Tamer Holding Co.
d/b/a Amalgamated Spats
3431 Annex B Road, Suite 42
LaBrea, CA  92071

Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery from DHL Pony Express.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Brendan Gill

Ah, love. The walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else.
Max Headroom

Marriage succeeds love as smoke does a flame.
Nicholas Chamfort

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
Kin Hubbard

There are two kinds of music – good music and bad music. Good music is the music I want to hear. Bad music is music that I don’t want to hear.
Fran Lebowitz

I find nothing more depressing than optimism.
Paul Fussel

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
Kin Hubbard

People could make the world a nice place to live… if there weren’t so goddamn many of them.
Clayton Heafner

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
H.L. Mencken

Carter is your typical smiling, brilliant, back-stabbing, bullshitting Southern nut-cutter.
Lane Kirkland

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn’t the slightest intention on putting it into practice.
Bismarck

A cross between Rambo and Mary Poppins.
Peter Fenn on George Bush (Sr.)

You must believe in God in spite of what the clergy says.
Benjamin Jowett

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Kin Hubbard

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Everyone would like to behave like a pagan, with everyone else behaving like a Christian.
Albert Camus

Working with Julie Andrews is like being hit over the head with a Valentine’s card.
Christopher Plummer

He’s the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
Mamie van Doren on Warren Beatty

I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.
Malcolm Bradbury

Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s; and unto human beings what?
Stanislaw J. Elec

Judge: a law student who marks his own papers.
H.L. Mencken

Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.
Anonymous

-CLT

Quotes Vol. 3
Quotes Vol. 2
Quotes Vol. 1