CLT’s Hand-Cranked Quote Machine v.3March 7, 2009
More from the archives, hand-copied by Tibetan monks in between bouts of fasting and self-immolation…
Did you ever notice, the only one in A Christmas Carol with any character is Scrooge? Marley is a whiner who fucked over the world and then hasn’t the spine to pay his dues quietly; Belle, Scrooge’s ex-girlfriend, deserted him when he needed her most; Bob Cratchit is a gutless toady without enough get up and go to assert himself; and the less said about that little treacle-mouth, Tiny Tim, the better.
Early in life I developed a distaste for the Cratchits that time has not sweetened. I do not think I was an embittered child, but the Cratchits’ aggressive worthiness, their bravely borne poverty, their exultation over that wretched goose, disgusted me. I particularly disliked Tiny Tim (a part always played by a girl because girls had superior powers of looking moribund and worthy at the same time), and when he chirped, “God bless us every one!” my mental response was akin to Sam Goldwyn’s famous phrase, “Include me out.”
The church is our only secular institution in which the half-educated speak to the half-converted.
Have I uttered the fundamental blasphemy, that once said sets spirits free? The literature of the past is a bore — when one has said that frankly to oneself, then one can proceed to qualify and make exceptions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
A classic is something everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Clergyman: a ticket speculator outside the gates of heaven.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Clare Boothe Luce
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
Johnny Mercer on a British musical
Parsifal – the kind of opera that starts at six o’clock and after it has been going for three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.
Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
The love of money is the root of all virtue.
George Bernard Shaw
He was audibly tan.
Virtue is its own punishment.
It is not a fragrant world.
Life is a long lesson in humility.