CLT’s Hand-Cranked Quote Machine v.3

March 7, 2009
"Not Guilty"

"Not Guilty"

More from the archives, hand-copied by Tibetan monks in between bouts of fasting and self-immolation…

Did you ever notice, the only one in A Christmas Carol with any character is Scrooge? Marley is a whiner who fucked over the world and then hasn’t the spine to pay his dues quietly; Belle, Scrooge’s ex-girlfriend, deserted him when he needed her most; Bob Cratchit is a gutless toady without enough get up and go to assert himself; and the less said about that little treacle-mouth, Tiny Tim, the better.
Harlan Ellison

Early in life I developed a distaste for the Cratchits that time has not sweetened. I do not think I was an embittered child, but the Cratchits’ aggressive worthiness, their bravely borne poverty, their exultation over that wretched goose, disgusted me. I particularly disliked Tiny Tim (a part always played by a girl because girls had superior powers of looking moribund and worthy at the same time), and when he chirped, “God bless us every one!” my mental response was akin to Sam Goldwyn’s famous phrase, “Include me out.”
Robertson Davies


The church is our only secular institution in which the half-educated speak to the half-converted.
W.R. Inge

Have I uttered the fundamental blasphemy, that once said sets spirits free? The literature of the past is a bore — when one has said that frankly to oneself, then one can proceed to qualify and make exceptions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

A classic is something everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Mark Twain

Clergyman: a ticket speculator outside the gates of heaven.
H.L. Mencken

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain


Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Clare Boothe Luce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
Ambrose Bierce

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Ambrose Bierce

I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.
Johnny Mercer on a British musical

Parsifal – the kind of opera that starts at six o’clock and after it has been going for three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.
David Randolph

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.
Aldous Huxley

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Jack Benny


I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
Edith Sitwell

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
David Brinkley


The love of money is the root of all virtue.
George Bernard Shaw

He was audibly tan.
Fran Lebowitz

Virtue is its own punishment.
Aneurin Bevan

It is not a fragrant world.
Raymond Chandler

Life is a long lesson in humility.
James Barrie


Quotes Vol. 4
Quotes Vol. 2
Quotes Vol. 1

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