Archive for February, 2009

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Art of the Remix v2

February 13, 2009

Today’s case study: the Rapture.

The Rapture is one of New York’s finest dance punk bands. Their music tends to be more weighted towards the dance end of the spectrum and their punk is of the decidedly post- variety. Post-post-punk to be exact (thanks for clearing that up, allmusic). They look like this:

the-rapture-lrg

and are most definitely not to be confused with the Rapture, which (although spelled the same) apparently looks like this:

th_rapturepaint_orig

The Rapture (Christian version) is some sort of a mass soul harvest, wherein God declares all bets off and retrieves those headed to heaven without much concern as to whether this “is a good time for them.” Presumably, the summoning will instantly convert believers into Polyphonic Spree members and all cash into St. Peter’s Pearly Gates Amusement Park and House of Worship Fun Bux.

Those left behind will be forced to deal with a catastrophe on par with what the Y2K bug was supposed to do, if only the tinfoil hat brigade has been right. They will also have to deal with the huge discrepancy between the number of people who thought they were going to heaven and the number that actually went.

SCENE: Family driving to church…or synagogue

MAN: Anyway, the homeowners association isn’t going to be able to legally make me take down the “Jesus Hates Fags” sign in our front yard. Not only is it a moral statement, but it’s also protected by their precious “First Amendment rights.”
WIFE: I think you’re confusing morals with bigotry… *yoink*
CHILD1: Mom?  *yoink*
MAN; CHILD2: WTF?
(Dodges suddenly driverless vehicles and crashing plane.)
MAN: This is bullshit.
CHILD2: Fuck this, I’m going Wiccan. Oh. And I’m gay, Dad.
MAN: Jesus…
(Car demolished by suddenly driverless semi.)

On to the remixes:

the Rapture – Get Myself Into It (SebastiAn Mix)
Banging, charging remix by one of a new wave of French DJs/producers that retains some of the original funk and definitely all of the handclaps.

the Rapture – W.A.Y.U.H. (Claude VonStroke Drops Your Panties Mix)
More of a techy, somewhat house-like feel to this one. Nice work on the vocal samples and the bass progressions are hella catchy.

Bonus:

the Rapture – Out of the Races and Onto the Track
Early single by the punk funkers, featuring some galloping percussion and a fair bit of yelling. Used to magnificent effect in the “Pre-Saturday Night Party Party” scene during the opening minutes of “Rules of Attraction.”

All mp3s are only temporarily available. If you like what you hear, please support the artists. If you wish to have a track removed, please contact me at 2timegrime@gmail.com.

-CLT

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Click Fraud: an Insider’s View

February 13, 2009

-CLT

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Profiles in Randomness

February 13, 2009

foreigner

Who: The Foreigner, one of the “heels” of the Robot Fighting League (featured in the Futurama episode Raging Bender).
Catch Phrase: I’M NOT FROM HERE!!!  I HAVE MY OWN CUSTOMS!!! LOOK AT MY CRAZY PASSPORT!!!
Contemporaries: the Clearcutter, Billionaire Bot, the Chain Smoker, Sgt. Feces Processor and the Gender Bender.

-CLT

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Kenny Chesney Not Gay

February 13, 2009
The pillow soon felt the full force of Kenny's heterosexuality.

The pillow soon felt the full force of Kenny's heterosexuality.

In a recent Playboy interview, Kenny Chesney has made it clear (again, apparently) that he is indeed no fan of man-on-man action. I’d always assumed he wasn’t, considering the country music world is running neck-and-neck with the rap world in rampant homophobia.

I’m not going to quote the Bard here, but he really seems to be putting a lot of effort into putting this rumor to rest. Which is fine. Job security and whatever. But then he throws in the classic, “I’ve got a long line of women who could testify that I am not gay.” He even makes the claim that he was “…over 100 women several years ago.”

What a stud.

He managed to lock down Renee Zellweger (featured in US magazine’s 2008 list: “100 Somewhat Attractive People”) for an entire four months. Presumably, the divorce was the result of Zellweger realizing she had married a fiercely heterosexual douchebag with over 100 random sexual encounters under his belt.

Oddly enough, none of these 100+ belt notches has stepped up to verify his claim to the hetero throne. Maybe someday one will and lay our fears of a homo-contaminated country music world to rest.

#37 (out of 100 and counting): “Oh, yeah. Kenny’s straight. I went out with him for a couple of months. His favorite thing to do was have me put on his coat and hat before banging (can I say ‘banging?’) me up the ass.”

The more Kenny talks about his rampant cocksmithery and non-gayness, the more he’s beginning to resemble this guy:

-CLT

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Talking Smack

February 8, 2009

bayer_heroin_bottle

What’s the difference between a thief and a junkie?

A thief will steal your money. A junkie will help you look for it.

William S. Burroughs understood this mentality, because he lived it. I’m not sure what process is involved that turns a junkie into a folk hero. Especially a junkie who killed his wife during a drug-addled reenactment of William Tell’s trick shot.

Perhaps it was his way with words:

You pick up this working girl
hooked on smack
hustles and scores
that’s all I do she says
she says, ten bucks for head, fifteen for half-and-half
three hits a day a thirty-five per

you say
that’s at least seven tricks a day
but she says, sometimes I get lucky
once a guy gave me a bill and a half just to eat me
only time I ever came

you think you can save her

you hock your color tv
it keeps her off the street a whole day
your typewriter for one jolt
then your shotgun, your watch
a week later you say, listen I’m a little short
but she says, no scratch no snatch
you say, look it is better to give
she says, beat off creep

One night they bust you on the street in your skivvies
trying to sell your shoes
you tell them who you are but they nail you
she happens by
she says, christ you look fucked
she says, hang tough

you don’t say anything
you just think

what a bum rap for a nice sensitive guy like me

Love to credit this monologue properly, but I am only familiar with it from its use in this track. In the original, PQM dropped the entire sample into an extended drop. King Unique drops Burroughs all over the track with some added effects tweaking on the “vocals”.:

PQM – You Are Sleeping (King Unique Mix)

All mp3s are only temporarily available. If you like what you hear, please support the artists. If you wish to have a track removed, please contact me at 2timegrime@gmail.com.

-CLT

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Functioning Operating Systems are for Chumps

February 6, 2009

vista-fail

My perfectly functional, two-year old IBM crashed last week, taking with it my connection to the outside world, my financial information and my precious, streamlined XP. It has since been replaced with a new HP featuring the ultimate RAMpire, Windows Vista.

Ah, Vista. I’d heard so much about you. The sorority girl of OS’s. Cute as a button. Dumb as fuck. Microsoft hasn’t tried this hard to look like a Mac since, well, Windows 3.0.

FAIL #1: Vista will not allow me to install the driver for the HP monitor that came bundled with my HP computer. HP finally refers me to a third-party patch which does the trick. In fact, Vista itself states that it would prefer that you run your own account as a Guest, leaving the administration to Microsoft.

FAIL #2: All of the various control panels have been renamed, no doubt as the result of extensive research showing that people don’t like to find what they’re looking for. Especially useful stuff.

Of course, no retail package computer is complete without a line of bloated, incestuous programs preloaded. Let’s take a look:

ISPs: AOL, Earthlink, MSN, Prodigy, CompuServe, Delphi, GEnie, Skynet, Yoyodyne

Microsoft “additions”: MS Narc, MS Brick, MS Backdoor, MS Money 2009: Nigerian Inheritance Edition (featuring Christian Okoye), MS UnderClock, MS MemoryLeak, MS Office Home Edition (most features, including “Save” disabled), Windows Live Update (with new “Always Downloading” feature)

Other trials: Real Player 9 with Ad Server technology, Windows Media Player 9 (now with autocorrupt), HP Games (featuring “Click Thru gameplay), Rhapsody Music (now with AutoBot, “the spam server you can own!”)

Now the real battle begins. Administrator versus Microsoft in an effort to trim down the 79 (!!!) processes running at startup. Should be an epic battle, especially when dealing with the Windows Genuine Advantage spyware, which has turned down more claims of legitimacy than Wilt Chamberlain.

It’s nice to see Microsoft learned from its troubles with XP.

-CLT