Archive for February, 2009


Kenny Chesney Not Gay

February 13, 2009
The pillow soon felt the full force of Kenny's heterosexuality.

The pillow soon felt the full force of Kenny's heterosexuality.

In a recent Playboy interview, Kenny Chesney has made it clear (again, apparently) that he is indeed no fan of man-on-man action. I’d always assumed he wasn’t, considering the country music world is running neck-and-neck with the rap world in rampant homophobia.

I’m not going to quote the Bard here, but he really seems to be putting a lot of effort into putting this rumor to rest. Which is fine. Job security and whatever. But then he throws in the classic, “I’ve got a long line of women who could testify that I am not gay.” He even makes the claim that he was “…over 100 women several years ago.”

What a stud.

He managed to lock down Renee Zellweger (featured in US magazine’s 2008 list: “100 Somewhat Attractive People”) for an entire four months. Presumably, the divorce was the result of Zellweger realizing she had married a fiercely heterosexual douchebag with over 100 random sexual encounters under his belt.

Oddly enough, none of these 100+ belt notches has stepped up to verify his claim to the hetero throne. Maybe someday one will and lay our fears of a homo-contaminated country music world to rest.

#37 (out of 100 and counting): “Oh, yeah. Kenny’s straight. I went out with him for a couple of months. His favorite thing to do was have me put on his coat and hat before banging (can I say ‘banging?’) me up the ass.”

The more Kenny talks about his rampant cocksmithery and non-gayness, the more he’s beginning to resemble this guy:



Talking Smack

February 8, 2009


What’s the difference between a thief and a junkie?

A thief will steal your money. A junkie will help you look for it.

William S. Burroughs understood this mentality, because he lived it. I’m not sure what process is involved that turns a junkie into a folk hero. Especially a junkie who killed his wife during a drug-addled reenactment of William Tell’s trick shot.

Perhaps it was his way with words:

You pick up this working girl
hooked on smack
hustles and scores
that’s all I do she says
she says, ten bucks for head, fifteen for half-and-half
three hits a day a thirty-five per

you say
that’s at least seven tricks a day
but she says, sometimes I get lucky
once a guy gave me a bill and a half just to eat me
only time I ever came

you think you can save her

you hock your color tv
it keeps her off the street a whole day
your typewriter for one jolt
then your shotgun, your watch
a week later you say, listen I’m a little short
but she says, no scratch no snatch
you say, look it is better to give
she says, beat off creep

One night they bust you on the street in your skivvies
trying to sell your shoes
you tell them who you are but they nail you
she happens by
she says, christ you look fucked
she says, hang tough

you don’t say anything
you just think

what a bum rap for a nice sensitive guy like me

Love to credit this monologue properly, but I am only familiar with it from its use in this track. In the original, PQM dropped the entire sample into an extended drop. King Unique drops Burroughs all over the track with some added effects tweaking on the “vocals”.:

PQM – You Are Sleeping (King Unique Mix)

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Functioning Operating Systems are for Chumps

February 6, 2009


My perfectly functional, two-year old IBM crashed last week, taking with it my connection to the outside world, my financial information and my precious, streamlined XP. It has since been replaced with a new HP featuring the ultimate RAMpire, Windows Vista.

Ah, Vista. I’d heard so much about you. The sorority girl of OS’s. Cute as a button. Dumb as fuck. Microsoft hasn’t tried this hard to look like a Mac since, well, Windows 3.0.

FAIL #1: Vista will not allow me to install the driver for the HP monitor that came bundled with my HP computer. HP finally refers me to a third-party patch which does the trick. In fact, Vista itself states that it would prefer that you run your own account as a Guest, leaving the administration to Microsoft.

FAIL #2: All of the various control panels have been renamed, no doubt as the result of extensive research showing that people don’t like to find what they’re looking for. Especially useful stuff.

Of course, no retail package computer is complete without a line of bloated, incestuous programs preloaded. Let’s take a look:

ISPs: AOL, Earthlink, MSN, Prodigy, CompuServe, Delphi, GEnie, Skynet, Yoyodyne

Microsoft “additions”: MS Narc, MS Brick, MS Backdoor, MS Money 2009: Nigerian Inheritance Edition (featuring Christian Okoye), MS UnderClock, MS MemoryLeak, MS Office Home Edition (most features, including “Save” disabled), Windows Live Update (with new “Always Downloading” feature)

Other trials: Real Player 9 with Ad Server technology, Windows Media Player 9 (now with autocorrupt), HP Games (featuring “Click Thru gameplay), Rhapsody Music (now with AutoBot, “the spam server you can own!”)

Now the real battle begins. Administrator versus Microsoft in an effort to trim down the 79 (!!!) processes running at startup. Should be an epic battle, especially when dealing with the Windows Genuine Advantage spyware, which has turned down more claims of legitimacy than Wilt Chamberlain.

It’s nice to see Microsoft learned from its troubles with XP.