Functioning Operating Systems are for Chumps

February 6, 2009


My perfectly functional, two-year old IBM crashed last week, taking with it my connection to the outside world, my financial information and my precious, streamlined XP. It has since been replaced with a new HP featuring the ultimate RAMpire, Windows Vista.

Ah, Vista. I’d heard so much about you. The sorority girl of OS’s. Cute as a button. Dumb as fuck. Microsoft hasn’t tried this hard to look like a Mac since, well, Windows 3.0.

FAIL #1: Vista will not allow me to install the driver for the HP monitor that came bundled with my HP computer. HP finally refers me to a third-party patch which does the trick. In fact, Vista itself states that it would prefer that you run your own account as a Guest, leaving the administration to Microsoft.

FAIL #2: All of the various control panels have been renamed, no doubt as the result of extensive research showing that people don’t like to find what they’re looking for. Especially useful stuff.

Of course, no retail package computer is complete without a line of bloated, incestuous programs preloaded. Let’s take a look:

ISPs: AOL, Earthlink, MSN, Prodigy, CompuServe, Delphi, GEnie, Skynet, Yoyodyne

Microsoft “additions”: MS Narc, MS Brick, MS Backdoor, MS Money 2009: Nigerian Inheritance Edition (featuring Christian Okoye), MS UnderClock, MS MemoryLeak, MS Office Home Edition (most features, including “Save” disabled), Windows Live Update (with new “Always Downloading” feature)

Other trials: Real Player 9 with Ad Server technology, Windows Media Player 9 (now with autocorrupt), HP Games (featuring “Click Thru gameplay), Rhapsody Music (now with AutoBot, “the spam server you can own!”)

Now the real battle begins. Administrator versus Microsoft in an effort to trim down the 79 (!!!) processes running at startup. Should be an epic battle, especially when dealing with the Windows Genuine Advantage spyware, which has turned down more claims of legitimacy than Wilt Chamberlain.

It’s nice to see Microsoft learned from its troubles with XP.


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