Archive for the ‘Fake News’ Category

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Internal Documents Show TSA Knew of Backscatter Imaging Radiation Problems

March 16, 2011

The TSA is back in the news again as maintenance reports have indicated that their backscatter imaging devices are emitting up to 10 times the radiation originally claimed. Understandably, this isn’t sitting well with the general public, who are now concerned that they are being robbed of valuable years off the end of their lives along with their dignity.

The TSA and the manufacturer of the device have claimed that all this stemmed from a simple misunderstanding in terminology. However, the leaked instruction manual for the Backscatter Imaging Device (or as it is popularly know, “PornoScan”) clearly indicates there were already concerns when the units shipped.

As safe as any high-powered electronic device operated by glorified security guards.

PORNOSCAN QUICKSTART GUIDE

Congratulations on your purchase of a federally-mandated PornoScan!  We know you have several less humiliating options to choose from when it comes to anti-terrorist devices and we’re glad your employers have chosen the PornoScan to serve and demoralize traveling citizens.

ASSEMBLY

First, take a moment to familiarize yourself with the contents. You should have (several) boxes, each containing (several) parts. Make sure you have everything needed to assemble your PornoScan, including a Phillips screwdriver, 151 self-tapping screws and a B.S. (minimum) in nuclear physics.

You’ll need two people to assemble this properly. When prompted, refer to the included assembly diagram. (Not included. Please call the Help Desk for replacement instructions. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.)

Note: your PornoScan (or Backscatter Imaging Device) contains time-sensitive depleted uranium. Failure to fully assemble this device will result in escalating isotope instability, which can quickly result in full core meltdown. (See Appendix 4.b. “OH SWEET JESUS, MY FACE!!!”)

To avoid causing undue passenger alarm, these mandatory stickers have NOT been shipped with your scanner.

CONTROLS

Now that your PornoScan (PS) is fully assembled, it’s time to familiarize yourself with the control panel. Let’s take a look at the four (4) status lights:

Power” – When power is on, this button will glow bright green. Due to improperly isolated isotopes, this light will also glow bright green when the device is off. A replacement containment device is on the way. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

Note: The PS puts out a shitload (metric) of radiation when fully powered. Please maintain a distance of 15-20 feet when “Power” button is lit.

Standby Power” – A “power saving” setting. This will allow the device to quickly “boot up” upon passenger entry. This light will glow red when activated.

Note: This lower setting should allow you to come safely within 10 feet of the device. Be prepared to run 5-10 feet in under 0.2 seconds should a passenger enter the device thereby returning it to full power. Additional note: does not actually save power.

Standby” – Pretty much what passes for “Off” these days. Can still render you sterile within a diameter of 5 feet. Should you need to approach the device (for instance, to power up the PornoScan), please ensure your genitalia are covered with your hands and your body turned 30 degrees perpendicular to the egress of the machine. This button will glow orange if activated or if “Power” button is currently green.

PANIC” – This status light will glow red at all times UNLESS a meltdown or other catastrophic failure is detected by the onboard computer. At that point the light will switch off. DO NOT PANIC. When the PANIC light goes out, a signal is sent to the nearest TSA headquarters. Please remain calm and await further instructions. (Allow 4-6 weeks for signal delivery.)

Note: PANIC indicator light will go out when  “Standby Power” is activated. This is a normal control panel function. Do not panic unless instructed otherwise.

OPERATION

With the controls functional, it’s time to put your PS to work. In addition to providing the illusion of safety, your PS is also a time-saver, freeing up the time you usually spent mentally undressing passengers and allowing you to brush up on your gun handling skills and anger management courses.

The powerful patented “Backscatter” system now allows you to fully undress passengers without leaving your desk or closing your browser window. For added safety, post the included “Clothing Optional” sign above the entrance to the device.

Note: As is indicated by the “Backscatter” terminology, this device is chock full of flying atoms doing God knows what. Please keep door closed when not in use.

As passengers enter the noisy and possibly brightly glowing PornoScan, they may become apprehensive, especially when informed that their hands need to be in what is normally a stickup victim pose. Calm them by suggesting fun “role-play” activities like “Pretend you’re on a roller coaster,” or “Act like you’re at a party where the DJ is busting out some old skool hip hop.”

There may also be concern expressed as to the safety of the untested device itself, in particular the amount of radiation used to provide the naked scan. If your assurances that “Hey, I’ve been working with this thing for X number of hours and I’m still OK” fail to calm the passenger, refer to the information provided in Appendix 2.b. (“No, I’ll Tell YOU What Your Rights Are“) to answer their queries with various threats of detainment.

FEATURES

Let’s take a quick look at the newest features in the PornoScan 1.14 (beta). Here’s a brief list of the items your PS can detect that your average TSA agent can’t:

  • Unusually sized genitalia
  • Prosthetic devices (incl. unusually sized genitalia)
  • Confiscatable items such as high-dollar watches, jewelry and gold fillings
  • Sarcasm

In addition, the latest in bomb detection technology allows the PornoScan to detect these type of explosive devices:

  • Bundled dynamite with a clock/timer/fuse attached.
  • Black, globe-shaped bombs with a fuse attached.

Note: If timer is running or fuse is lit, DO NOT PANIC. Check “PANIC” light. It should be “on” (off). Evacuate terminal of all crucial personnel including TSA members, airline employees and gift shop staff. Next, calmly herd passengers and suspected terrorists to the nearest empty tarmac where they can be safely detonated. Finally, give yourself a pat on the back! You’ve just averted domestic terrorism!

The TSA agents quickly discovered her cast was made entirely out of "bomb."

HELPFUL TIPS

Pregnant women and women with infants will often try to smuggle their own fluids on board through the use of their “breasts.” Most of these suspects will have somewhat of a haggard glow about them. APPROACH WITH CAUTION. In addition to harboring “breast fluids,” their glow will often turn to vitriolic hatred once confronted.

Other women may be carrying saline or silicone in their “breasts.” To date these fluids have not been linked to terrorist activity. Play it safe and investigate further.

Good luck in your fight against terror! Armed with this information (and your gun) you should prepared to deal with any uncomfortable situation!

(Addendum: The manufacturers of the PornoScan and your management team would like to remind you to refer to the device by its proper name [Backscatter Something Something] while on duty.)

-CLT

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Rescued from the Cutting Room Floor: The Best Previously Unpublished Charlie Sheen Quotes

March 8, 2011

Charlie Sheen prepares for an early morning strafing run by summoning his cocaine-serving robot.

Due to the nature of the beast that is the white, powdery monkey on Charlie Sheen’s back, many of his interviews have been trimmed to fit the time allotted. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your level of fascination with this ongoing train wreck), this means that some of Sheen’s biggest proclamations have been excised in order to fit his self-absorbed ranting into an hour-long interview format.

The following is a brief selection of quotes that never made it to the airwaves due to time constraints or some sort of editorial concern over exactly how much “crazy” they were allowed to air uninterrupted. Enjoy.

  • “I’m currently crafting a trained army of attack falcons… well, more of an air force, really…”
  • “Gary Busey? Jake Busey? Winners! Third book of the Necronomicon being written now by these gnarlingtons.”
  • “I sleep only 40 minutes a night, serenaded by air raid sirens and Norwegian black metal.”
  • “Those of us who are actually still rad are still using ‘rad’ all the time. A new wave of BMX destruction is at hand, all before you get your fuckin’ Venti whatever, yuppie.”
  • “TZ [Todd Zeile] and I have spent the last four nights cock-blocking down at the Chicken Ranch because we are insatiable and our waters run deep, my friend.”
  • “We’re also druid shadow priests. Chaotic neutral. No alignment. Take that however you will.”
  • “[Jon] Cryer is buckwheat pancakes with oat bran seasoning. He’s like Jiminy Cricket crossed with John Harvey Kellogg. I’m not sure he’s ever produced semen in his life.”
  • “It’s not a mixtape without Sister Christian. Write that shit down, Alan. Gospel.”
  • “While doing Shaolin monk training with Keith Carradine in Tenochtitlan, Mexico, we ate Alfonso Ribeiro’s heart. A warning: don’t bet on bullfights. You can’t beat the locals.”
  • “Blowing money on coke and hookers is nothing. You aren’t really spending money until you’re ordering Kharma speakers online at 3 am.”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, the only legitimate president we’ve had in the past 600 years was Thor, or as he was born, Nikolai Tesla.”
  • “Do you what makes me absolutely histrionic, absolutely batshit crazy? Just coke, bro. Just this essence. It’s the rich man’s ‘white lightning,’ man. Without it, empires fall. Markets collapse. Human life is devalued. Santa dies.”
  • “I once had sex with seven women simultaneously. It was like Jesus with the five loaves and fish but instead it was with penises and tongues. When you’re winning, doors open for you and miracles are commonplace. Commonplace enough to be almost annoying.”
  • “[To a member of the studio staff] Your mom’s like Aleve, d-bag! All day strong, all day long! In the ass!”
  • “Two albums. Both with Mojo Nixon. Next year.”
  • “I’ve been certified as a nutritionist in 14 states. 40 minutes of sleep a night leaves you a lot of downtime. I maximize.”
  • “If I go down or CBS invalidates my contract, I’ve got a whole list of Hollywood people’s real names in my lawyer’s safe. Try me, Chaim. I have data. DOB. DNA maps. For real.”
  • “Scientologists have Jennifer Grey’s real nose. I traded it for their alchemy secrets.”

-CLT

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Buy American! The Benefits of Purchasing a Big 3 Vehicle

October 19, 2010
The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

[Still not blogging, but actively planning my return. Until then, here's a piece that has lost a little timeliness, but still contains a laugh or two. Possibly three. Definitely less than five. Originally published May 22, 2009.]

There has never been a better time than now to buy an American car. Apparently. What with your tax dollars all tied up, you’d think they’d be giving them away. But until that point, here are a few of the many reasons to buy American!*

*Exclamation point required by stipulations of federal bailout.
The ! makes it patriotic.
  • Free up the next election day! By purchasing a Big 3 auto, your vote is already cast for Obama in the 2012 election.
  • Kilometer markings still in small, unobtrusive font size.
  • Park without getting towed at your local VFWs.
  • 30% domestic content, which is 15% more than your domestic content.
Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

  • Your warranty is backed by the U.S. government, an entity known for its swift action and efficient problem solving.
  • The opportunity to finally use the phrase: “I liked it so much I bought the company!”
  • Guaranteed to contain at least 22% subsidies.
  • Adjustable gun rack option means even your Neon can look manly.
  • Runs on E85, an environmentally-friendly biofuel consisting of good ol’ American corn and bullshit.
  • At 15 MPG, you’ll stimulate the economy plenty.
  • More seating area and larger interior mirrors make rush hour multi-tasking a breeze.
    @asshole: i’m going 70 in the snow stuck behind the orphanage bus.
    @asshole: i’m going to try to pass them on the shoulder.
  • Horn plays latest Toby Keith fight song.
  • Purchase allows you to proudly state that you fought in Vietnam. Purchasing the rust-proofing option adds “…and lost <limb of your choice> fighting for your right to purchase this fine vehicle, with no money down and no payments for 60 months, on approved credit.”
  • Allows your scab ass to safely sneak past union picket lines.
  • Now you can stop saying, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” and start saying, “That thing got a Hemi?”
  • Avails you to a wide selection of decals featuring Calvin urinating on various vehicle logos.
  • 40% less “You aren’t from around here, are ya?” harassment.
  • If you die in a collision with a foreign-made vehicle, you automatically go to heaven. God bless America!
  • 30% more bumper sticker room than the leading foreign competitor. (Note: VW Bus not included in this comparison.)
  • You’ll earn the undying respect of Donald Mills. (Note: Valid until Mr. Mills dies.)
In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

  • Unsafe at any speed? Sounds like a dare to me!
  • 2010 Humvee features ELF-deflecting crumple zones and a year’s supply of Enzyte.
  • Fewer savage beatings by UAW goons.
  • Receive the Big Three Insider newsletter, featuring real estate deals in Detroit, MI.
  • Buy any full-size truck, receive a complimentary ’85 Cutlass for the yard.
  • Will allow you to continue believing that Born in the U.S.A. is one of the most patriotic songs ever written. (Note: will also allow you to continue believing that R.E.M.’s The One I Love is a beautifully romantic song and should be played at your wedding.)
  • According to J.D. Power and Associates, the Chevrolet Camaro is still the “#1 choice for meth users/dealers.”
  • Buying a German car is like giving money directly to Hitler. Unless you’re cool with that, in which case it’s like giving money directly to the Jews.
  • Korean and Japanese cars contain too many choking hazards.
  • As you struggle through your latest layoff, you can rest assured that your purchase helped keep the real American heroes “working.”
  • A nation of stupid, obese children will benefit from the government’s “Too Big to Fail” program.
  • Do we really need to say the thing about the terrorists winning? You should know this by now.
  • You probably should have read the fine print before signing Gingrich’s “Contract with America.”
  • Bylaw 412.3(b) of Obama’s “Buy American!” policy states that “no fewer than one (1) in three (3) first sexual experiences must take place in a vehicle containing a minimum of 60% domestic fabrication.” The policy goes on to state that “such (American) vehicles are generally roomier and more suited for awkward groping” than their foreign counterparts, as well as being more prone to actually running out of gas.
  • Complimentary CD of Lee Greenwood’s greatest hit.
  • As a result of John C. DeLorean’s consultation, random “bonus” vehicles will ship with 2-4 kilos of cocaine in the door panels.
Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Brought to you by: The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe

There’s no better vehicle for your golden age driving than the 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe, featuring ample seating for six and a wheelbase of 38 feet. Relax in the comfort of leather seating (from poached free-range cattle) and genuine ivory highlights. The all-encompassing luxury and silent ride, thanks to Lincoln’s patented “Deathclock V-12,” will whisk you away to a simpler time.

A time when the speed limit was 35 mph. Everywhere. A time when youngsters had their pants pulled up, their eyes down and their mouths shut. A time when enjoying a party line didn’t mean dialling a 900 number. A time when quality products were made by Raybestos, Union Carbide and the Universal Music Group.

A time when heading out to a social event with a live band meant safe, chaperoned dancing and punch, rather than shameless full-contact grinding and a lecture about the trade deficit. A time when women and minorities couldn’t vote. A time when black was the only color for cars and white was the only color that mattered.

The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe: Speak English or Die!

-CLT

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Exclusive Clive Cussler Interview!

October 6, 2010
Clive Fucking Cussler and his fucking watch

Clive Fucking Cussler and his fucking watch

[To be fair, he's no more or less talented than any other author who has passed the threshold of "writing" and headed for the greener pastures of "manufacturing." However, he does have a certain look about him and won't stop showing of that damn watch. Originally published July 21, 2009.]

The following contains transcribed excerpts from a Q&A session during Clive and Dirk Cussler’s promotional tour for their new book, Sparta. Following a publicist-approved interview (read it here), in which Clive discussed, among other things, his new watch, his product placement of said watch into his novels, his product placement of himself into said novels, a little more about the watch and various other watery items.

The Cusslers then threw caution to the wind and began fielding questions from their gathered fans. All audio and video of this event has been seized by their intrepid publicist, leaving only this record of how everything went more than a tad Pete Tong (ask Nobbly).

Publicist Merle Aaronsen (MA): Alright, folks! Now, we’ve got a real treat for you! Clive and his son, Dirk have agreed to a short Q&A session. Just raise your hand if you’ve got a question. Just like back in school.
[some appreciative laughter, mostly from Dirk, whose laugh can be charitably described as an 'insane giggling.']
MA: Yes?
Thomas: Hi, Thomas XXXXXX here. Big fan. I’ve read most of your latest novels. I just had a question: are you planning a followup to The Deep?
Clive Cussler (CC): [brief silence, clears throat]Ah. I think you may be confusing my work with Peter Benchley’s. Or vice versa.
A wonderful man, Peter. A wonderful, humorous man… with, uh, a rather unhealthy collection of pornography. Not that I’m judging. He was a witty and thoughtful guest during many weekend getaways, paid for by our mutual publisher.
MA: Thanks. Always a pleasure.
CC: Witty, delightful and hopelessly addicted to painkillers. When he was down we used to cheer him up by playfully referring to him as “Admiral Painless” or “Bluebeard the Rapist.” [laughs]
We prefer to remember his playful qualities and mastery of the sea. Not the other, troubling aspects like the stalking charges brought against him by Jacqueline Bisset. Many of us in his inner circle would never have seen this side of him, if he hadn’t invited us to his London mansion and shown us his so-called “Bisset Shrine.” I still get chills. And a bit of a woody. [laughs] She was quite the looker!
Anyhow, The Deep is by fucking Peter Benchley. Next question?

Not Clive Cussler (note lack of prominently displayed watch)

Not Clive Cussler (note lack of prominently displayed watch)

Alice: Hi, I’m Alice. I had a question regarding your co-author, and son, Dirk. He seems to be coming—
Dirk Cussler (DC): [giggles for a few seconds]
Alice: —into his own. Will he be writing a few novels of his own or branching out to another area of fiction?
DC: I’d like to handle this, Dad. While I have seen much improvement over the years, we, at this point, do not consider it wise to split up the franchise any more than it already is. The kind people at all of the bookstores have informed us that there is simply not enough shelf room for all of novels as it is. In fact, they have seen sales slip because of… what’s this here?
[inaudible discussion, voices of CC and MA occasionally surface, but nothing of use]
DC: … cannibalization. Sounds terrible! Maybe we should make smaller books! [giggles]
CC: He’s right. And well-trained. While we do have many ideas and watches to push, the novel mill suffers from its best friend and unfortunate bottleneck, the bookstore. Trying to find space to plunk another story in between Clancy, Patterson and Nora Roberts is like trying to pitch a tent in an outhouse. Some seamen vernacular there.

Donald: Hi, Donald here, retired Navy. I noticed that early on in Sparta you referred to the frigate displacing nearly 6,500 tons of water, which would be true if it was fully loaded. But nowhere leading up to this statement do you give any indication that it would be.
CC: Well, it very well could have been. Perhaps they had loaded at the last dock—
Donald: No. No. In fact it says here, “…the frigate, running light after offloading the last of the rescued crew, displaced 6,500 tons of water, like so much air out of a balloon…”
CC: [silence] It… it may have been a Class B, which are known to displace—
Donald: Two sentences later it says it’s a Class C lightweight frigate—
MA: I don’t think this line of questioning is going to help sell, I mean aid in enjoyment—
Donald: I mean, not to nitpick, but you severely overstate the amount of torque allowed by that motor type and I think you may have forgotten to carry a 1 or something when figuring the fuel efficiency—
CC: I don’t think this is going anywhere. We have a staff of fact-checkers to verify this stuff, do we not, Merle?
MA: Absolutely. They—
CC: And I will not be questioned as to the veracity of these claims! These are books written for enjoyment, and while I appreciate you bringing this to my attention—
DC: Dad, remember what doctor said about the stress—
CC: You’ll shut the hell up, Dirk. I splash your name on the book and what? You can’t even check these things out? They have to show up in public?
DC: But I can’t understand the fact-checkers. Merle outsourced that job. Venkater…man…swo… Have you talked to them? It’s like nothing gets through, no matter how loud or slow I talk—
Donald: I’d also like to point out that the Mary Celeste’s name is misspelled no fewer than 8 times between chapters 16-20. Sometimes as Marty, McLeste, Virgin Mary Celestine, Mary C. Less—
MA: This has been a problem, but I can assure—
CC: You can’t assure shit! You get a handle on this or I am out of here. The Silver Phantom is parked right outside, and I can drive it myself, believe it or not—
DC: It needs fixing. The door handle fell off when the chauffeur didn’t open my door. I had to get it myself because he was angry that I had been kicking his seat—
CC: Will you please refrain from talking? Please! I would like to see a return to some propriety here and I want that man out.

Dirk Cussler (left) making his dad happy by not talking; attempting to smile

Dirk Cussler (left) making his dad happy by not talking; attempting to smile

[some scuffling noises and a few protests, but it sounds like Donald leaves on his own terms]
Donald [somewhat faintly]: Fuck you, Clive! Do your research!

MA: I think we have time for a couple more, but let’s keep the questions fair, shall we?
Mark: Hi, Mark here. I was doing some research—
CC: [some sort of warning growl]
Mark: —and I came across some statements you had made concerning your naval knowledge. It reads, and I’m quoting here: “no one has time to do the research. It’s just the way it is. I’ve been cranking novel after novel for years without any issue. Here’s what you need to know. Ships float. Except when they don’t.”
CC: I don’t recall saying that…
Mark: Quite possibly not. The anecdote indicates that you were probably drunk. Anyway, I guess my question is more of a statement. Or an accusation. There seems to be some indication that your research is very weak to say the least—
CC: Get him out, Merle. Get him out or I send my idiot son out to your house for the weekend. I know the pets will probably rebound but I’m sure those repairs couldn’t have been cheap.
MA: I’m getting him out. You keep that little moron away from my house.

[At this point, we are left to deal with little more than some muffled talking, as Mark is presumably being escorted out. There is no parting shot from Mark, but there does seem to be arguing between CC and DC with only a couple of audible phrases. One from DC: ...it would be happier with a saddle on it but then I think Merle scared it... One from CC: ...Jesus Christ Almighty! I should have named you after a blunter object...]

[Some general concerned chatter resumes in background along with the Q&A, which Clive sadistically decides to continue.]

William: Hey, um… kind of a weird question… the Sparta book seems to have a lot, and I mean a lot, of homosexual overtones. Is this intentional?
CC: The fuck if I know. I barely read the damn things. Ask my son.
DC: I just wrote some stuff and then Paul (Kemprecos) edited it.
CC: Well, there you go. He’s Greek, for Christ’s sake. That explains that. Next question.
William: Actually, it’s in one of yours written with Dirk, according to Thriller in a Manila. I don’t think that Paul was involved—
CC: You have got to be fucking kidding me. Is anyone reading these things before they hit the shelf? I’ve got a brand to maintain. I should be getting drunk night after night and counting my money until my hangover goes away. I’m not going to micromanage this mill. Merle, you are about 30 seconds from hitchhiking home with Zorro the Gayblade over here. Let’s wrap this up. I don’t know why I even bother.
Did you all get a copy? I had better see more hands in the air. This is bullshit, Merle.
DC: Dad, dad. Let me get your pills—
CC: The only thing you need to get is few thousand more brain cells. I’ll just give God the benefit of a doubt and assumed they’re backordered. Get our stuff, Merle. You help too, monkeyboy.
DC: I would like to thank you all for coming. Merle and I appreciate your support—
CC: Put that fucking note down.

MA: I would like to take one more question.
CC: What? [inaudible] fired for [inaudible] complete abortion of [inaudible] your ass in a fucking sling [inaudible]
MA: [inaudible] resignation when I get back [inaudible] embarrassing yourself [inaudible] looks like about 10 years old [inaudible] this publicity [inaudible] asshole for not taking a child’s question.

Ma Cussler steps into the fray...

Ma Cussler steps into the fray...

CC: Alright. [very heavy sigh] One more. From the youngster towards the back?
Youngster: Is this the line for the Harry Potter midnight release?

[some crashing noises, yelps from the audience, a mic hits the ground with a burst of feedback]
DC: DAD! YOU’VE GOT TO—
[sound of fist hitting flesh]
DC: MY EYE! MOM WAS RIGHT—
[more noise, some indeterminate, a loud roar from Clive(?)]

CC: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS! I’M CLIVE FUCKING CUSSLER!
[more smashing noises, shelf tipping over(?), concern has turned to near panic]

Youngster: I SAID, IS THIS THE LINE—
[loud thud, feedback, then silence]

-CLT

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Branson, Missouri Calendar of Events

September 26, 2010
Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

[Hiatus swiftly turning into a sabbatical. Here's another from the archives to keep the dust from settling... Pay close attention to the botched BTO joke. Originally published May 12, 2009.]

Summer’s on its way and it’s never to early to plan for a visit to garish Branson, Missouri. Birthplace of Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Airlines, Branson offers many varied events for the discriminating traveler. In fact, nothing sums up the Branson experience more than discrimination!

May

  • Jim Nabors Circus and Sideshow
  • Bing Crosby: Fatherhood (6-drink minimum)
  • Planter’s Nut Tasting: Spotlight on Filbert
  • Blue Angels Flyover
  • Branson Young Republicans Present: Beginner Trust Fund Investment
  • UFC! 22
  • American Idol Contestants #344, #12,077 and #61,008
  • Infomercial Taping
  • The Best of the Sanitized Internet: Brought to You by AOL
  • Shat! – The Life and Times of America’s Most Beloved Entertainer. A William Shatner productions featuring William Shatner as himself.

June

  • Andy Rooney: the Original Shock Jock
  • The Hour of Power featuring the Reverend Al Sharpton
  • Cops:Live!
  • Nickelback: 75 Minutes of Your Life That You’ll Never Have Back Tour
  • Annie, Get Your Gun featuring Charlton Heston as himself
  • Robert Fulghum: Tiresome Platitudes for Everyday Situations
  • Estroven Presents: Hot Flashes of Passion featuring Air Supply and Rick Astley
  • It Feels a Little Damp! Might Rain! Better Bring a Coat! – Daily weather brought to you by Up With People!
  • Community Service Theater Presents: The Vagina Monologues featuring Dana Plato and Lisa Bonet
  • Does This Look Done?: Your Guide to Branson’s Early-Bird Buffets
  • Napalm Death – All Ages Show

July

  • Rosie Grier’s Microwave Cookery and EMT Training
  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner - starring Sinbad! and Carrie Prejean. Spencer Tracy’s role will be played by Brian Dennehy; Katherine Hepburn’s role will be played by C-3PO in a wig.
  • Expired Copyright Film Festival
  • Russell Simmon’s Def Comedy Jam
  • Sansabelt Presents: Pat Boone in the Round
  • David Cross Insults Your Belief System
  • The Minor Chords: Barbershop Quartet Stylings from John Oates, Jim Messina, Art Garfunkel and Andrew Ridgeley
  • Christopher Reeve in President for Life: The FDR Story (cancelled)
  • An Evening with Mr. Donald Mills
  • An Introductory Guide to Black Presidents
  • Tony Robbins: The IMAX Experience

August

  • Some of the Boys Are Back in Town! Three-fifths of Bachman-Turner Overdrive reunite to sing their greatest hit, over and over.
  • Dame Edna’s Ballet of the Transgendered
  • The Strangely Inappropriate Antics of the Stanford Marching Band
  • Agreeing to Disagree: Your VCR and You
  • American Flagg! – A Patriotic Musical
  • Blissfully Unaware Productions Presents: Watersports: Fun pool activities to guaranteed to provide the most “bang” for your “gang!” Also included: Our famous Afternoon Delight Buffet including Ron J.’s famous footlongs, fish tacos, tossed salad, cream pies and the winning entries from our Caribbean Meat Jerk-Off!
  • Who’s On First? starring Bill Buckner and Jack Clark (4-drink minimum)
  • Panthers Can Be White: An introspective look at the MC5 and the revolution that never was
  • Regis and Kathie Lee Together Again! – Now starring in David Mamet’s Sexual Perversity in Chicago
  • Bitching About How Things Used to Be: Featuring commentary from Sinbad! (“Women be different than men”) and Yakoff Smirnoff (“Russia be different than America”).

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3

September 21, 2010
[And here it is... the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of the Past.” As in previous installments (see here, and also, here) we will cast a jaded eye back at the various scoundrels, ne’er-do-wells and boy band managers that secured the Lion Tamers place in history as society’s black eye.

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Jerome Noble Lion Tamer
As the proprietor of upscale strip-mall favorite “Barnes & Noble Heavy-Ass Coffee Table Books,” J.N. gained a reputation for only stocking the most ostentatious titles, each weighing no less that 25 lbs.

He is shown here handling, with disastrous results, Vol. 14 of the U.S. Constitution, on his way to the discount table. Only mildly popular, due to the tremendous amount of revisions, amendments and missing pages, all volumes of the Constitution usually wrapped up the year collecting dust with other deeply discounted tomes.

Older versions were often found placed next to such illustrious and swiftly forgotten favorites, such as The Collected Doodles of Lance Bass, Freight Cars of America, The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein, and Booze Broads and Bedlam, the last of which soon became the children’s cherished sketch pad due to its enormous size and completely blank pages.

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Elijah Montegarde Lion Tamer
A former sideshow performer and the 1903 winner of the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division” award, E.M. would often “entertain” guests with various feats of daredevilry featuring his indoor cannon.

Named “Congress,” not after the hair-triggered legislative branch, but rather in a very blatant and poorly thought out attempt at subtle innuendo (the other side says “Sexual”). “Congress” was often used as a very frightening form of foreplay in his deviant rumpus room, or “War Office.” E.M. often lamented that no matter how explicit he was about his preferences in his many Craigslist personals, most “War Office Key Parties” tended to be sparsely attended “sausagefests.”

E.M. died alone from a self-inflicted headwound as did “Little Elijah,” who succumbed to a self-inflicted gunshot wound from E.M.’s pistol, “Little Congress.”

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Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer
The richest man of all time, O.R. amused himself as only the insanely rich can: by doing insane (and insanely expensive) things. He spent a little over $7 million ($380 billion in today’s dollars) on reconstructive surgery in order to become the largest man on the Eastern seaboard.

Once finished with this physical ordeal, O.R. found it easy to “pocket” Congressmen and Senators, forcing them to run the legislative treadmill for years at a time.

With the Capitol building converted to a rib smoker, O.R. headed east to terrorize Europe and Asia. After a minor struggle with the 300-foot Spectre of Fascism, O.R. strode, unchallenged across Asia. His comeuppance finally occurred in downtown Osaka, Japan, where he was defeated by the eight wonder of the world: Mecha-Godzilla.

Though his outsized remains were greeted by thousands of mourners stateside, astute observers of the funeral noticed a disproportionate amount of “Thank god he’s dead,” and “It couldn’t have happened to a bigger prick” comments, leading modern historians to subsequently place mourners in quotes.

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Roderick Arthur Lion Tamer
Another in a long-line of circus and sideshow performers within the Lion Tamer clan, R.A. turned his years of scamming and entertaining rural yokels into a long run as the official Jester to the President.

After various attempts at politically-charged piano tunes and scathing Letters to the Editor, R.A. soon settled on his bread-and-butter, riding around like a idiot on his handcrafted Silver Dollar Unicycle. Having never bothered to learn juggling, R.A. would simply wave his hands about in a somewhat carefree fashion, using a sort of proto-juggling mime. More often than not, his act consisted entirely of his rolling, fake-juggling antics, all set to the “Benny Hill” theme for maximum comic effect.

Universally reviled, R.A. nonetheless lived a successful life. His show ran for 34 consectutive years as government red tape constantly delayed his dismissal and his multiple appearances in tear-jerking melodramas (The Good Doctor Adams Who Made Laughter from Tears; Good Morning, French Indochina!) gained him new fans, while simultaneously alienating his old ones.

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Phillip Albertson Lion Tamer
A consummate ladies’ man and clotheshorse, P.A. was often seen gadding about town, gold watch on a chain and rohypnol in his pocket. He is seen in this etching, posing for an etching while asking the artist’s assistant if she would like to come see his etching as soon as it is finished and hanging in his bungalow.

Blessed with a smooth tongue, a full head of hair and an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix Online, P.A. tore through the fairer sex of Upper Illinois, leaving illegitimate children and bounced checks in his wake.

During his declining years, P.A. began to take stock of his life. As the wolves of paternity bayed mercilessly (and metaphorically) outside his window, P.A. suffered a change of heart, when it went from “ticking away normally” to “not really working at all, is it.”

On his deathbed, P.A. asked his numerous bastard offspring and former paramours to gather close, at which point he delivered his final message to the world: “My will has never been proven legal. Good luck dealing with the state of Illinois and my next of kin, whom I alienated years ago.” His body was buried in the St. Mary Hospital parking lot, after being hurled from the 23rd story window.

His legacy lives on, however, as the tougher restrictions and faster moving wage garnishments have been entitled “Phillip’s Law,” which also requires those arrested for child support non-payment to post signs in their yard stating that they steal from children and single mothers and are required to stay at least 500 feet from bars, casinos, hotels and family planning clinics.

-CLT

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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 2

September 12, 2010
[Thanks to a Dashboard date change, everything old is new again. Just like your virginity, having been restored to its rightful place (presumably near the "swimsuit area") by a good old fashioned bout of praying. Originally published on June 7, 2009.]

As discussed in the previous installment, the Lion Tamer family history is a rich tapestry of thieves, liars, drunkards and mediocrity. We’ll take a look here at some more Tamers whose contributions to society were quickly nullified by their casually horrific actions.

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Jeremiah Murgatroid Lion Tamer
J.M. was best known for his hideous appearance due to a rare case of “boneitis.” This condition caused his skeleton to grow outside of his skin and troubled doctors all the way into the 30th century, when it was rediscovered in a time-travelling Gordon Gekko-esque businessman. He soon died of complications, having previously bought out the company that was working on the cure.

Despite his horrifying appearance, J.M. was a popular man, and was voted “Mr. Communist” three years running. He is pictured here attempting to persuade young Joseph McCarthy and his family to check out the “party.”

His three-year reign as “Mr. Communist” came to an end, when he was photographed shopping at Wal-Mart. He was stripped of his title, ceremonial sash, jaunty ribbons and any remaining skin.

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Abraham Martin Anjean Lion Tamer
As one of the operators of Massachusetts’ first puppy mills, A.M. was an opponent off all things animal-rights related. He worked tirelessly to ensure animal testing remained in place and fired off a fierce rebuttal to Upton Sinclair for his “reckless contempt for slaughterhouse workers,” encouraging him to retract his statements and say hi to his wife and kids, who we wouldn’t want anything to happen to.

He is shown here tweaking a nascent PETA by altering one of their protest signs, this one referencing their opposition of the Lone Ranger’s domestication of his horse. They also pointed out (somewhere) that they were a little miffed with his stereotyped sidekick.

This particular attempt backfired as the addition of the word “imperialism” caused widespread confusion, much like his unfortunate hairdo and his hand-built ladder, which narrowed inexplicably towards the top.

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Wolfram Alpha Lion Tamer
W.A. was a thriving performance artist, whose terrifying portrayal of Santa Claus as a homicidal nudist ruined Christmas for 12 years running. His one-man show, as portrayed in the Billy Bob Thornton docu-drama Bad Santa, did manage to win him the attentions of certain females with a Kris Kringle fetish.

One of his groupies, chanteuse and shoplifter Winona Ryder, is depicted here giving birth to twins during an ill-timed joyride to the hospital.

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Yancy Midcap Lion Tamer
Self-declared “Emperor of America” and amateur inventor, Y.M. is shown here preparing for a test run of his “Self Contained Overland Floating Apparatus.” Behind him is his life-partner Winthrop Danson Bryan, who was his faithful companion of 38 long and closeted years.

Y.M. doted on Bryan, often surprising him with “monogrammed” hats and other accessories. Bryan would return the favor by labelling every item of Y.M.’s clothing with various “hot” phrases, such as “Imperialism,” “Tammany Hall,” “Colonialism,” “Tea Bagging,” and “Too Big to Fail.”

Bryan aided Y.M. with several crackpot ideas and get-rich-quick schemes, including the Auto-Dialer, the Print Your Own Money at Home Movable Press System, the Patent Trolling Work-at-Home Program for the Infirm and Shut-Ins and, of course, Yuri’s Free Viagra, a joint-venture with his Prussian partner.

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Gladstone Rickenbacker Lion Tamer
Being only 5’3″ with a size 6 neck, G.R. had trouble finding properly fitting clothes, in particular accessories such as bow ties, neckties and cravats.

G.R.’s early success as a restaurateurincluded his chain of “Mississippi Fried Badger” restaurants, which thrilled the locals with its selection of fried foods and side dishes. Unfortunately, G.R.’s expansion plans bankrupted the business, as the rest of America was not ready for a fried selection of “critters,” no matter how tasty or secret the recipe.

G.R.’s insistence of appearing in all of the chain’s advertising was also an issue, due to his generally disheveled look, early onset Tourette’s outbursts and bowtie-muffled speech.

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Winstone Zephyr Lion Tamer
Referred to by his contemporaries as a “towering, blimp-like metaphor of a man,” W.Z. was known less for his perfectly competent drumming than his eternal struggle with his greatest nemeses: earth and gravity.

Regarded as “harmful crackpot,” W.Z. was often ridiculed and/or burned at the stake for espousing such views as: the earth revolves around the sun, solar eclipses are God’s punishment for Y.M. and Bryan’s relationship, women be different than men, double-coupon days lead to anarchy and Nickelback write subtle, nuanced music.

His unfinished 3,500-page diatribe, Fuck You Science, went with him to his grave, many of the pages badly singed from his multiple trips to the stake.

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Eleanor Genovese “Ma” Lion Tamer
A prodigious drinker and early proponent of women’s rights, E.G. ran a successful lunch stand, which was an intregal part of Kansas City’s cattle industry. Hailed by local food critics, her lunch stand was named “Stall of the Year” a record eight times. Among the praise showered on her:

  • “If you can get past the overwhelming smell of cow dung, you shan’t be disappointed…” – Kansas City Star
  • “You’ll return again and again for this selection of voluptuous sandwiches, and the view is nothing to thumb your nose at either…” – Midwestern “Events”
  • “After a heaping selection of breast meat, you’ll certainly want to wash it all down with Ma’s milkshake, which brings all the boys to the stockyard…” – FHM Magazine

-CLT

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