On Drinking: the Manhattan

Vitals:

Ingredients: Rye, sweet vermouth, bitters

Category: Cocktail

Reach: 72″

If it were a Shakespeare play it would be: Henry V

—-

This, friends, is the cocktail to which all others must answer. It has the right number of ingredients (3), it uses the right liquor (whiskey), and it’s fucking tasty. Some bars will serve it to you on the rocks. Never order a cocktail from those bars. The Manhattan must be stirred, strained, and consumed in less than four gulps. These things are simple, people.

Now, up top there I said it should be made with rye — and that’s true. But it’s not the only way. A Canadian blended can make a fine Manhattan. So can a nice, spicy bourbon (Wild Turkey). I’ve had some good Jameson Manhattans. Whatever you’re using, there are just a few simple rules:

1) For the love of god, stir the thing.

2) Don’t skimp on the vermouth or the bitters. This isn’t a martini; you don’t get extra points for drinking it “dry.” If you want a glass of whiskey, order a glass of whiskey. If you want a Manhattan, put the vermouth in there, at least 3-to-1, and a few firm shakes of the bitters.

3) As mentioned previously: drink it quickly. People who sip cocktails do not understand the point of cocktails. And a corollary: don’t drink them out of a goddamn fishbowl. These things are pretty small — five or six ounces.

The Manhattan is a noble drink. It shows you drink for the journey, not the destination — but also that you know what to do when you get there. In fact, I’m going to have a couple right now.

–TDS

There is right in the universe

I am an English major. Or rather: I was an English major–the august institution that is the University of Minnesota tossed me out into the world a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve mostly been leading the life of an honorable drunkard:

Cheap scotch:

Only the finest

Cheap smokes:

Because lites are for pussies

Oh, did I mention the rum?

Ahoy!

Plenty of that too. Times are tough for a young wordsmith (although I grant that times never have been, nor will they every be, easy), and so one looks for glimmers of hope wherever they may present themselves.

So, let’s play a game.

You’re a telecom company. Hot shit, indeed. You sign a contract which “shall continue in force for a period of five years from the date it is made, and thereafter for successive five year terms, unless and until terminated by one year prior notice in writing by either party.”

When can one party terminate the contract?

a.) At any point (allowing for the one year’s notice) after the first five years.

b.) Any time at all (again allowing one year’s head’s up).

c.) When the Lions win the Super Bowl.

If you said “a,” you are Rogers Communications, and that wrong answer cost you millions of dollars. That last comma just snuck up and boned you in the ass. This makes me immeasurably happy–punctuation matters! Four years of English Lit didn’t teach me much, but it did get me far enough to (apparently) supervise contract semantics in Canada.

–TDS

White riot

Sigh.

I can’t stress enough how stupid that whole scene was. I wandered over around 10pm-ish, since I have a moth-to-flame-like reaction to… well, to flame. But this was the height of idiocy–frat boys trying, and failing (!), to flip over cars that had done nothing wrong except to park on a residential street. People starting fires because… well, why not?

The cops screwed the pooch here too. It took them forever to even make an attempt; at one point, they decided to drive a fire truck straight into the mob, which answered the truck with the expected hail of bottles. Brilliant move there.

My diagnosis: a bunch of kids who didn’t have the balls to go to the RNC last summer, but still wanted to be able to say, “brah, I got tear gassed!”

-TDS

…thanks for asking

For reasons uninteresting even to me, I’ve let my blogging slack lately. Well, no more–I’m back in the game (and making South Park jokes in titles to boot). And for the past few weeks, I’ve been kicking the term “supergroup” around in my head; specifically, I’ve been pondering this.

I’m more than a bit late to the game in re: talking about this band. But suffice it to say, over the first few days after the single dropped, more than a few internet-types wantonly tossed about the “supergroup” label. (If you care terribly about specific examples, well… rot in hell.) And quite frankly, it’s a title that doesn’t seem to fit here in the slightest–unless we want to call “anything with Jack White in it” a supergroup, which is stupid on its face.

Nobody knows who Jack Lawrence is at all; Dean Fertita is just “that guy who plays the keyboard for Queens of the Stone Age.” I suppose depending on how you feel about The Kills (and I happen to feel rather strongly, thank you very much), Alison Mosshart might turn a few heads, but still… Conservatively, 98% of people who have heard of this new band only know it as “that thing with Jack White playing drums.” Fact.

The problem with “supergroup,” really, is that it… well, it’s a meaningless term. Anything that can simultaneously describe ELP, the Damn Yankees, and The Firm only obscures more than it illumnates. It’s lazy. Call it a side project, or something. Or how about “a new band”? That seems to cover it nicely.

Oh, and by the way–the songs are actually good. This pleases me. And whatever it is White is doing with this Third Man Records things intrigues me; if nothing else, he’s capable of recording lots of music extremely quickly, and with three bands (with the Stripes and Raconteurs) there’s the potential for a high volume of new material. As long as we can keep him away from Alicia Keys…

–TDS

Oh, For Fuck’s Sake

Now, as you will learn over time, I was an Obama voter. I thought
John McCain would have been a uniquely awful president, especially when
having to deal with other countries (which, I hear, is a big part of
the job).

I also, though, caucused for Clinton and supported
various other longshot candidates before that. And I did not sign up
for this:

“So we the taxpayers are going to eat a ton of bank losses that should
instead be borne first by stockholders and bondholders This program
should be labeled the Pimco bailout plan, since the giant bond fund
holds a lot of bank debt. That show what a fiction Obama’s populism is.
It’s mere posturing and empty phrases. Look at where the dough goes,
and it is going first and foremost to the big money end of town.”

Read on.

(h/t)

I have very little tolerance for this sort of thing. And by “very little,” I mean “no.” I have plenty of beef with this White House so far (which I’m sure you’ll hear about in due time), but this is some straight bullshit.

-TDS

Superb Advice for Social Situations

Daughters of the world: your education shall not be complete until you have absorbed the lessons of the most important of all etiquette books: “The Recently Deflowered Girl.”

What to do?

Study up.

-TDS

Haiku Reviews: “Tonight: Franz Ferdinand”

Well, hello everyone! I’m the Dispassionate Shepherd. Here’s what you need to know about me: I quite liked the first two Franz Ferdinand albums. Then, they went away for a few years. So now that they’re back with a new set of songs, I thought I’d run through them, haiku-style. That should be fun, right? So, let’s get to it.

Ulysses:
Lead single brings some bounce;
Just enough guitar, while still
Showing the new synth.
GRADE: B

Turn It On:
Generic dance-rock.
Uninspiring guitar riff screams:
Quick! The skip button!
GRADE: D

No You Girls:
Much better! Hook pounds,
Playful bass carries the day.
Successful sing-along.
GRADE: B+

Twilight Omens:
Synth says “mystery,”
Bass takes back seat for first time.
Plus, crude math class jokes!
GRADE: B-

Send Him Away:
Franz as lounge act? Sure.
Harmonize those vocals, boys!
Guitar and synth blend.
GRADE: C+

Live Alone:
Loneliness and bass.
Who needs guitar anyway?
It’s there, just barely.
GRADE: B-

Bite Hard:
Quiet opening.
Then, the stomping. Then, the rock!
Slow build for the win.
GRADE: A-

What She Came For:
Another sing-along,
Vocals take over, until
The monster solo.
GRADE: B-

Can’t Stop Feeling:
Total filler track.
The album’s already short,
Why waste extra time?
GRADE: F

Lucid Dreams:
Warning! Eight minutes.
Earns its length, though. Everything
Good about Tonight.
GRADE: A

Dream Again:
Slow down and enjoy.
The album’s cool-down section
Begins with a win.
GRADE: B+

Katherine Kiss Me:
Acoustic? Ok.
Finish on a relaxed note,
Turn in for the night.
GRADE: B

I’d call the albums a success, overall. A solid B, at least. Not complete victory, but close enough to keep me satisfied for another four years or so…

-TDS