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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 2 – Garth Brooks

October 17, 2009
Roberto prepares for Daylight Savings Time with several stabbing and thrusting exercises.

Roberto prepares for Daylight Savings Time with several stabbing and thrusting exercises.

Garth Brooks is back. Ending eight years of self-imposed retirement to start an open-ended run of shows at the Wynn in Las Vegas, Brooks has dusted off his hat, boots and false sense of entitlement.

Picking up where he left off in 1993, Garth is moaning about how he’s getting fucked by all his freeloading fans. Granted, he does mention other “artists” (of course, none by name) and breaks out his gold-plated hanky for a good old bitchfest.

Brooks prepares for his rigorous Wynn shows by "tripling-up" at their famous buffet.

Brooks prepares for his rigorous Wynn shows by "tripling-up" at their famous buffet.

Our government’s not doing anything about piracy. Until we can hear what a day of radio is like with no music, until this place sits silent because the music creators and the artists and copyright (holders) are not happy because they’re not being protected like everyone else is, then, yeah, I would like that power myself.”

First of all, what the fucking fuck? The government’s not doing anything about piracy? Where in the hell did he get that idea? Did he spend the last 8 years living in a tin-foil coated basement somewhere in Montana?

The government is spending a great deal of time bedding down with ASCAP and the RIAA to make sure that copyright protection continues its steady march to perpetuity. Just last week the House Judiciary Committee approved the hilariously named “Performance Rights Act” which will ensure that radio stations get to pay even more for the privilege of advertising the major labels’ artists.

On top of that ASCAP and BMI are pushing their respective legislators to increase the performance royalty fees that radio stations already pay.

So first the RIAA tags the stations for playing the sound recording and then ASCAP reams them again for royalties due to the musicians playing on the recording. A nice double-dip with all the subtlety of a revolving-door gangbang.

So, obviously Brooks is ill-informed or just genuinely stupid. Let’s flashback to his original enemy: used CDs.

Garth used his considerable weight to blackmail Capitol into blocking shipments of his latest album to stores that sold used CDs. This came back to bite him right in his label’s ass thanks to some anti-trust activity. Despite his best efforts to piss everyone off, In Pieces went on to sell 10 million copies in the U.S. alone.

The end result of 6 months of "cheek sucking" workouts.

The end result of 6 months of "cheek sucking" workouts.

Not content to rest on his huge piles of money, Garth continued to bitch and moan about his hard knock life until he was tossed under the wheels of pop culture with his ridiculous Chris Gaines “concept album,” which touted the soul-patched pop-country  pre=”pop-country “>chubster as a “conflicted artist” who was all angsted-up by life in the public eye.

So what is Garth Brooks’ problem?

Tough to say. According to the RIAA, he’s the best-selling solo artist of all time.

Brooks has sold more than 128 million albums in the U.S., according to the Recoding Industry Assn. of America, second only to the Beatles’ 170 million albums. Brooks has outsold the Fab Four — more than 68 million to the Beatles’ 58 million — in the 18 years since Nielsen SoundScan began monitoring retail sales in 1991, two years after Brooks released his first single.”

Couple that with his lucrative concert tours and the man has to have more money than Oprah Winfrey (or possibly U2).

So why can’t he shut the fuck up and enjoy his success?

Garth appears to be one of those (highly-stabbable) “sore winners” whose life revolves around concerns that his boatloads of millions may be leaking nickels and dimes somewhere. Apparently all the time off allowed him to mellow into a fat, bitter shit who wants everyone to pay for everything, like they used to in the good old days before people could decide what they wanted to do with their purchased property (CDs) or had any choice in how they got their music delivered (single-song mp3 downloads or *gasp* piracy).

Check out his “I showed them” take on his meeting with iTunes:

“Sweet guys. They’ve allowed me to come into their building several times and pretty much tell them how much I didn’t like the system. They listen. But iTunes won’t do what (it) needs to until (musicians) find a way to join together, and show them what an iPod sounds like with no music. … They truly think that they’re saving music. I looked at them right across the table with all the love in the world and told them they were killing it. Until we get variable pricing, until we get album-only (downloads), then they are not a true retailer for my stuff, and you won’t see my stuff on there.”

I cannot fathom how this must sound to him when it comes out of his mouth. I’m sure he feels he’s coming down from Mt. Sinai with the tablets but to anyone else who has actually seen how the real world (and music industry) work now, it must sound like the disjointed ravings of bitter retiree who’s sure the world would be better if we could just go back to the good old days of poodle skirts, lead paint, asbestos and the labels raping you out of $17.99 for a couple of good tracks and 50 minutes of filler.

“Album-only downloads?” I’m sure Garth is invested heavily in Time Machines of America if he thinks he can get a majority of Americans to welcome his “Buy One, Buy ‘Em All” plan. That shit went out with Discmans and Fen-phen.

Garth displays his vestigial opposable thumbs.

Garth displays his vestigial opposable thumbs.

But he’s not through yet. Garth’s mouth has unlimited foot space (possibly due to elective surgery). Here’s his contradictory and pure evil plan for getting back what’s his:

“I’d love to see us get it together, and that’s one of the things for the next five years is to try and figure out how. Athletics has it — anti-trust. That’s the only way these guys get the attention of the leagues they work for. Until we can unionize, until we can bond together, we have no power.”

Pause for breath and some oxygen to the brain. He likes anti-trust but wants to unionize into one group that would oversee the entire record industry, presumably with the power to set prices regardless of market demand and constrict delivery methods. Sounds like a monopoly to me.

Back to King Garth, RIAA mouthpiece and jackass supreme:

“I want us to be able to come together and represent as a whole to tell the nation. … It has to be placed in the right hands, so it can’t be one person, but a board that represents music, its creators and its content owners. I think that’d be more than fair to stand up and say, ‘Look, you’ve ignored us, because there’s 50,000 of us and 300 million voters. You’ve ignored us, and now to show you, we would like to just simply stop for a day,’ and see how dry this world gets.”

Wow.

Garth is no longer just interested in the music-buying public. He now wants 300 million voters to take it in the ass because starving artists like himself are outnumbered and outgunned by Joe Public and his considerable lobbying power.

Hey, public. Meet dictator-for-life Garth Brooks. He’d like to welcome you with a hearty “fuck you” in appreciation for your purchase of 128 million albums during the course of his career.

There is a silver lining to this colossal bullshitstorm: Garth is offering to swing his massive, platinum-encrusted weight around until he gets his way, even if that means pulling all major label music off the radio for an entire day, just to show us stupid “little people” what’s the motherfucking what.

To raise awareness for "totally screwed" multi-platinum artists like himself, Garth Brooks will eat all major label music for one day.

To raise awareness for "totally screwed" multi-platinum artists like himself, Garth Brooks will eat all major label music for one day.

I say let him.

I haven’t listened to the radio in years and there are millions of hours of independent music just dying to fill the void. It would be better for the radio stations, the indie artists and the world in general.

So please please please. Pull that shit off the air. Teach us a lesson, Garth, you spoiled 47-year-old brat. Smack us around with your superiority. Kick us right in our deserving asses with your size 3 jack-boots of cowboy justice (+1). Show your loyal customers that you made them, not the other way around.

Or better yet, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Go home and count your money, you fat bastard. Pile it all into huge stacks, knock ‘em over and start again. Go wander your mansion or take one of your several cars (or horses… whatever) out for a spin. Go get a botched tonsillectomy and a good case of tetanus. Whatever shuts you up.

Go Roberto. Get him. Fuck you, Garth.

Sincerely,
Joe Fucking Public
300 Million Strong

-CLT

24 comments

  1. First of all, I find the photo of Garth with his “opposable thumbs” to be mildly disturbing. Is it just me, or does he bear an uncanny resemblance to a little person born without the luxury of forearms? (It could very well just be me, I haven’t been pausing for breath to re-oxygenate my brain enough lately)

    Although I would never admit it publically (except on comment threads), when I was an angst-ridden teenager going through my first emotional break-up, I did find solace in replaying “The Dance” over and over on my Frisbee-sized Panasonic Discman (I was also obsessed with Nirvana’s “Polly”, but only because I misunderstood the lyrics and thought it was about a girl who’d been dumped by her asshole boyfriend).

    My point is…well, I guess I don’t really have one. Except to say that a) Garth has been irrelevant ever since he cheated on his wife and ended up marrying that Wynonna Mcentire lady, and b) it’s obvious that he’s only driven by two things; greed and ego.

    But then again, name a Musician turned Celebrity turned has-been who doesn’t suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Their self-worth isn’t based on the same value-system that us regular folk use for reference, which is probably why they’re rich and famous, while many of the truly inspirational musicians out there will never know what it’s like not to have a day job.

    I agree. Let him teach us all a lesson by taking away our mainstream music for a day. And while he’s at it, he should take away “The Dance”. Permanently.

    Because if I ever listen to that song again I’ll probably end up in the ER, suffering from self-inflicted stab wounds to the ear drums.


    • Hahaha!! I think you are dead on in reference to Garth’s misshapen body. I think he may have eaten his forearms but I’ll need to do an autopsy to confirm that. (Please, please, please let me do an autopsy.)

      You are also spot on in reference to ego-driven celebs. The loudest bitching about “lost” revenue always comes from the Garths and U2s of the world. Oh, and Gene Simmons of all people.

      Either way, you hear a lot less from those still trying to make, whom you would figure would benefit the most if we all agreed to go back to 1989.

      I’m all up for signing whatever petition they’ve got out there to take away the mainstream for a day. I’d even sign up for the lifetime extension. I can live without it and I would imagine that everybody else will find some way else to get thru the day without Lady GaGa or Garth Brooks or even fuckin’ Nickelback.

      Thanks for the thoughtful comment, bschooled. Always great to see you.


    • HA!

      I’m not gonna to lie to you, if I knew how to pirate a lunchbox, I’d probably do it…

      (I go through them like pez)


    • Gene simply made that statement that pretty much everyone who wasn’t him or a current KISS member was a full-blown musical pirate.

      And we were all like, that’s what you get for fucking my mom. And if you didn’t, then Wilt did.


  2. Fabulous!


    • Thanks, Alan.

      I’ll forward the “Kill Yr Mainstream” petition on to you as soon as I get ahold of it.


  3. For a change, stop being so introverted and just tell us what you really think.

    ;)


    • Hahaha!!!

      “That CLT, so shy and retiring. Let’s draw him out of his shell with some stupidity from Garth F. Brooks.”

      CLT posts.

      “Ohmigod! Quick! Put him back in his shell!”

      Nice to see you, Claire. Thanks for the pointed comment.


  4. Given your listening tastes, I’m surprised you would even allow Garth to infiltrate the pages of your blog.


    • Well, I normally wouldn’t but seeing as he was being so stupid…

      I actually had something lighter lined up but was scrolling thru the posts over at Techdirt and came across his jackassery and it sent me to my writing box.

      I just cannot fathom how the biggest selling musician in the US can spend 16 years pissed off that someone might buy his album 2nd hand or one song at a time.

      Maybe his plumpness is due to him “retaining gall.”


  5. Shit what’s wrong with Fen-Phen? I just snorted 3! Ima gonna be alright yea?? Country is the one and only style of music that I can’t tolerate. The only country that doesn’t’ make me want to kill a cowboy is Family Tradition, Lonely, and some Johnny Cash, but I didn’t have a any choice with those. It was either adapt and learn to enjoy them, or never, ever drink in any bar, anywhere in the world, ever again. You just blew my doors off with the information that he’s the best selling artist of all time. What the fuck’s the world coming too?


    • Scott –
      Not only will you be alright, but the pounds will just fly off along with most of your heart’s “go” power. If you can ride it out, you’ll be sitting pretty and most likely, very short of breath.

      I cannot get behind country music either. At least not what passes for it these days. The older stuff had a lot more kick to it, Cash especially. George “No Show” Jones could wipe the floor with a half-dozen Toby Keiths and he could do with a .25 BAC.

      I hear a lot of country at work (the new stuff) but every so often the bust out a classic and I find myself amazed that I would rather hear “Coat of Many Colors” than anything else they’ve played that day.


  6. And it shows. He has put on a ton of weight. I last saw him sobbing and holding a copy of “The Ruben Stoddard Diet Plan: Quick and Easy Gorging for the Artist on the Go.”


  7. I can’t believe I’m posting this on your blog:


    • I can’t believe it either.

      Something has gone wrong. I should re-check the templates or something…


  8. It was so weird. I really thought the perimeter bombs would go off and sirens would sound and my computer would shut down in a cloud of smoke. But nothing happened. Fancy Plans accepted Dolly smooth and easy like… well.. like a slut who is smooth and easy.


    • WordPress is such a whore.

      It must have gotten its motor revved by Wikipedia referring to her as “voloptuous.”


  9. Isn’t Garth married to that fat singer? Maybe that is what he is so upset about.

    And we already have radio without music…it’s called NPR. Not my cup of tea but only because I need visual stimulation.

    Chris Gaines = dumbest idea ever.


    • Well, if nothing else, his marriage to Yearwood will help keep the front tires and shocks on the family vehicle wearing evenly. That counts for something.

      Nice call on the radio without music. NPR plays bumper music I believe, but it’s usually some obscure bluegrass fiddlist who only play pieces written between 1905-1911 by artists whose names end in either “y” or “l”.

      And as for Chris Gaines, you would have thought his arrival at the arena would be greeted with thorough ass-kicking by his usual crowd, who are easily enraged by dark hair and goatees.

      Couldn’t be happier to see you, TL, although it does not quite rate a “pants party” for me. But I’m sure you brought enough for both of us.


  10. Whole album downloads reflect an antiquated (prehistoric even) understanding of the music listening world. It really is totally out of touch position to take.

    For classical music, sure albums of music are very appealing, but pop-music is not about albums anymore and hasn’t been for many, many years, even if every track was a hit everytime. Album only delivery of any kind of music other than classical, including country, was bound to go the way of the dinosaur in the age of digital delivery over the ‘Net.

    The guy is telling his listeners to do what he wants. That doesn’t make for a loyal customer base for long.


    • Excellent points all, zeus.

      The man is a dinosaur, and like most dinosaurs, isn’t liking his odds among the warm-blooded. He also hasn’t changed his tune, so to speak, in 16 years.

      Why is it that the artists protesting this loss of income are the ones sitting at the top of the heap? That’s what I find most irritating. Metallica, Garth Brooks, KISS, U2… Every rule they want to have put in place will only keep more and more small bands from ever connecting with possible fans.

      Thanks for the great comment, Zeus. Truly a pleasure to see you again.


  11. First of all, he lives in a somewhat modest ranch outside Owasso, Oklahoma, not a tin-foil coated basement somewhere in Montana. Second of all, yeah!


  12. My apologies. “Tin foil-covered ranch.”

    A correction. Now he’s really starting to piss me off. Fucking Garth.


  13. [...] first, “used CDs,” was decried by artists as disparate and incredibly wealthy as Garth Brooks (68 million albums sold) and Chris Gaines (1.1 million albums traded in at used cd stores). They [...]



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