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Assoc. Escort Holdings ’09 10-Q Highlights

August 11, 2009
Rufus prepares himself for Take Your Daughter to Word Day

Rufus prepares himself for Take Your Daughter to Work Day

A selection of key information from Associated Escort Holdings, LLC’s filing for the 2009 fiscal years. All notes by Rufus “Pimp Daddy” Kane, owner and CEO.

MANAGEMENT’S DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS OF FINANCIAL CONDITION AND RESULTS OF OPERATIONS

CAUTIONARY STATEMENT ON FORWARD-LOOKING INFORMATION
The following is a discussion of our financial condition and results of operation for the period January 2009 – July 2009. This discussion will include various forward-looking statements about our industry, demand for services and projected results. They include statements regarding our expectations and strategies regarding the future. The words “believe,” “expect,” “anticipate,” “better have,” “will be gettin’ mine,” “schemin,” etc. are intended to identify these forward-looking statements (“how it’s gonna be”).

OVERVIEW
We are a city leader in the world’s oldest profession, providing 24-hour service to three of five New York City boroughs. In February, we acquired a 20% stake in Skip Tracee’s Bail Bonds, a joint-venture that should allow a maximum amount of cash (“coming and going”) and limit our employee’s (“bitches’”) down time. We also have a 4% stake in Greyhound Bus Lines, as a show of gratitude for the incredible amount of potential employees they provide us with.

QUANTITATIVE DISCLOSURE ABOUT MARKET RISK
In the ordinary course of our business, we are exposed to earnings and cash flow volatility resulting from changes in general economic forces, massive fluctuations in earnings due to irregularities in convention scheduling, “bitches” not having my money and general police corruption. Other potential risks are discussed below in “Risk Factors (Pimpin’ ain’t Easy)”.

RISK FACTORS
Despite near-constant demand for our services (“half-and-half”) and a steady influx of Midwestern girls looking to “make it big,” pimping still remains a difficult venture. Some of the many debilitating factors are listed below:

Employee Burnout
Due to the hectic work schedule, highly physical job demands and undue pressure from law enforcement and city officials (“street hassle”), we have experienced an 18% drop in total number of “bitches” who “better have my money.”

One area of concern is our current lack of a retirement plan for our employees. As of now, retirement plans are addressed with the proprietor (Lucas “Pimp Daddy” Kane) informing the workers that they may not quit (“laying down the pimp hand”).

Although threats of physical violence have proven effective in the past, we have found that our customers and competitors are often willing to carry out our threats with little to no warning (“beaten us to the punch”).

Sorry, ladies: Pimpin' (big, medium or small) is not EOE-compliant

Sorry, ladies: Pimpin' (big, medium or small) is not EOE-compliant

Decreasing Levels of Naiveté
As PSA’s, new reports and the grapevine (“gossipin’ bitches”) continue to expose Midwestern ladies to the negative aspects of our business, we have noticed a sharp drop in the number of starry-eyed teenagers arriving in New York City to become actresses, singers or state senators.

We may be forced to turn to our own city for new employees, which may prove difficult as these New York City bitches has seen it all, and are often running their own criminal ventures (“game”).

Workplace Injuries:
In addition to the high number of contusions, broken bones and trunk stuffing suffered by our employees, repetitive stress injuries are now affecting the proprietors of fine hooking businesses in the form of “pimp hand,” a debilitating illness that decreases the effectiveness of a well-placed backhand (“sho nuff”).

Without an effective “pimp hand” in place, our stable of employees (“hospitality workers”) may soon fall into a permanent state of “gettin’ uppity” or “mouthy.” Our competitors may use this state of fucked-upness to make their move (“aw hell nah”). It also negatively impacts our profitability as our employees (“hostesses”) is kickin’ back less and less and using more vacation time.

To sum up: bitches do indeed still “have my money,” only less of it and at longer intervals. (“Shit’s unacceptable.”)

Negative Portrayal in Popular Culture
As movies, tv shows and after-school specials, etc. (in addition to the issues listed above, under “Decreasing Levels of Naivete”) continue to portray our business (“pimpin’ ho’s”) as one full of immoral, violent reprobates (“evil fuckers”), our continued success as a business entity cannot be guaranteed.

We have banded together with other “escort service managers” to form an anti-defamation group (PIMP – “Pimps Is Merely People”). We are proactively laying down our “pimp hand” (or alternate hand, if current “pimp hand” has not received clearance for return to duty via doctor’s note) to clear our names. We are focused on addressing several issues including:

  • Pimping not being easy
  • These Cadillacs, furs, hat feathers and grills won’t pay for themselves
  • Neither do the incredibly ostentatious decorative canes
  • We just tryin’ to get ours
  • Who else is gonna get you laid, no questions asked?
  • We want Times Square back
  • When it comes to vehicles, we always buy American
  • Where my money at, bitch?

-CLT

11 comments

  1. I am dissapointed to see that in your SEC form 10-Q, you failed to mention the impact of Craigslist no longer offering to list your services. While this would be considered a forward looking statement, your choice to omit this vital information is curious. Fo shizzle.


    • There’s a lot of curious omissions but the most glaring inaccuracy is that fact that the filer refers to himself as both “Lucas” and “Rufus.” That’s also going to draw some SEC heat.

      Thanks for the fact checking, TL. Always good to see you.


  2. You’re too damned funny. That’s just brilliant. Concept and execution. Well done, CLT.


    • Thanks, Don. A pleasure to see you.

      As is to be expected in these tough times, no openings are available at the “management” level, even for someone so disciplined in the art of melon-balling as yourself.

      There are other openings, of course. *cough*

      But the hours are long and the money isn’t even yours, apparently.


  3. I’m just speechless.

    Have I mentioned lately how much I worship your mind?


    • Many thanks for the worship, CC. Us minor dieties often opine about pimps, hookers and financial statements.

      Great to see you, CC.


  4. Once again another dream dismantled by your ever persistent journalistic blog-side manner.


    • I hate to rain on the many parades of those aspiring to be pimps, but the job just ain’t what it used to be.

      Compare that to the carefree times referred to in Jules “Top Dollar” Childs’ 1967 biography, The Joy of Pimping. Those were the days. (Except for hookers. They never really had “the days.”)


  5. Retirement is a hooker’s “day”, just ask my mom. Whoops…


    • Hahahahaha!!!!

      Mom!!! Come check out what Rooster wrote!


  6. [...] Lion Tamer: Assoc. Escort Holdings ’09 10Q Highlights, the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll, and the Fancy Plans Guide to AFI’s Top 100 Films [...]



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